the 21 gun salute!

WE'RE MOVING!

2011-02-09T00:45:00.003-05:00

I just migrated all the back posts of The 21 Gun Salute from Blogger to Posterous. Why? Because Blogger's image hosting is FUCKING TERRIBLE (seriously look at all the pictures on this blog they are compressed within an inch of their lives).

SO what that means is that all subsequent posts are going to be on Posterous. All OLD posts will continue to live here. But if you want the new shit! Go here:

THE21GUNSALUTE.POSTEROUS.COM

Where it will continue to live, until I abruptly decide to change it again!

Notorious Party Boy Soundtrack

2011-01-31T16:27:00.003-05:00

Ross and Andy made an awesome mix. It's tight, fast, and very very fun. Follow their ridiculous lives here and listen to/download the mix here.

End of 2010

2010-12-28T14:22:00.003-05:00

Last mix of the year!

is that all you get for your money

20/20 = Yellow Pills
It's Still Rock & Roll To Me = Billy Joel
Movin Out = Billy Joel
You Oughta Know = Das Racist
The Girl U Want (Black Light Odyessy Mix) = Devo
Turnaround = Nirvana
Beat My Guest = Adam & The Ants
Oh Lord = Foxy Shazam
Mr Roboto = Styx
Right On Target = Paul Parker
Listen Up (Arther Baker RMX) = Gossip
Quicksand (Mad Decent RMX) = La Roux

The Chauffeur (Extendo)

2010-12-10T15:11:00.001-05:00

via Nick:

Let's do this!

2010-11-19T12:44:00.002-05:00

It's not a cape I'm wearing, it's a robe!

Useless CDs

2010-11-18T15:19:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to get rid of my useless, obsolete, worthless CDs that have very much defined a large art of who I am. These are some.

SERGE GAINSBOURG: NO. 4

I like the early Serge jazz stuff. He sing-talks his way over much more traditional arrangements and it's nice to hear him as a guy working within the prevailing musical environment, not yet fully discovering his voice yet. (see also: David Bowie "Laughing Gnome", the first Sandman graphic novel, the first Kelly Clarkson album, Batman Begins).

BENNY BENASSI: HYPNOTICA

Similar to Ratatat or Air, Benny Benassi has 1 good song that he makes over and over again. "Put Your Hands Up" is amazing, and the MV for "Satisfaction" is mega-boner-giving. I like this CD bc I like that one song.

SECRET FREQUENCY CREW: FOREST OF THE ECHO DOWNS

Michna used to work at Etherea, which was the nerdiest record shop there ever was. That was where nerds would bring their CD collections of nerdy music to, and get nerdily mocked by the nerds behind the counter bc the CDs weren't nerdy enough (and had a tiny unnoticeable scratch on the outer rim and thus had no resale value).

I liked it though, I came out on top on a couple Morrissey LPs. Before there was Michna, there was the Max Headroom-worshipping Secret Frequency Crew. The almighty SFC? Crews should always have the prefix "almighty" or the suffix "most high," or both.

Almighty Secret Frequency Crew Most High!!!

Also, as to the specifics of this CD, I never listened to this. SORRY MICHNA I STILL LOVE YOU (and anyways I listened to the hell out of Magic Monday).

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: FUTURESEX/LOVESOUNDS

"It's always good to hear someone pretentiously try to be make this huge artistic statement and have it be problematic, then not to try at all." -Yoda

V/A: THE SEXUAL LIFE OF THE SAVAGES: UNDERGROUND POST-PUNK FROM SAO PAULO, BRASIL

What is it with me? I'll buy anything apparently. Not to say this is bad, it could very easily be good. But it's very en vogue for labels to put out comps whose titles are:

BOLD DECLARATIVE STATEMENT or SENTENCE FRAGMENT or EVOCATIVE PHRASE or NAME OF GENRE or SONG TITLE:

Very Specific Sub-Genre Of Music From A Country You Might Not Expect (date range of no more than a few years, typically from the late 70s or early 80s)

MONEY MARK: PUSH THE BUTTON

I have said my peace elsewhere re: noted Beastie Boys footnote, Money Mark. He's AZN, son! AZN PRYD!!! I bet he's eating a chicken gyro somewhere with Mario Caldato Jr, Eric Bobo, DJ Hurricane and Luscious Jackson waiting for the phone to ring.

Sean Lennon is also in this fictional room.

2010-11-18T12:31:00.006-05:00

CHAK!

CHAK!!

CHAK!!!

This is a mix I made for a friend. That's why I use songs I've put up on other mixes in the past. Also, the Mancini thing was mixed live so it falls out of time.

"Imperfections make it fresha!" -etc

muscles: sweaty (shazam remix)
simian mobile disco: tits & acid
justin martin: get low
depeche mode: master & servant
aphex twin: windowlicker
lowfish: no longer accepting complaints
boy 8-bit: the suspense is killing me
kanye west: power (remix)
fabolous: breathe
henry mancini: experiments in terror
2pac: california love (rusko remix)
solid groove & sinden: overbooked
skatt brothers: walk the night

Are you kidding me with this?

2010-11-15T10:08:00.004-05:00

THIS is what Crystal Castles look like. YIKES. Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin you ain't!

Gah! Look at this hirsute man! Looks like he's wearing a hairsuit, if you knowwhatI'msayin! Hey giant twin caterpillars, good thing you're racing to get to the center of that guy's head! Bet THIS GUY doesn't eat pork, savvy?

And don't get me started on you neither, lady-alien! Christ you have the skull shape of a Na'vi priestess! etc etc

Not at all ashamed

2010-11-12T22:11:00.002-05:00

Proud, in fact.

Tron

2010-11-10T10:56:00.001-05:00

DuuuOOOOOOODDDDES (again!)

Tron Legacy - End Titles by Mr HBF

Useless CDs

2010-11-09T13:08:00.006-05:00

TALL DWARFS - FORK SONGS

I bought this bc of the allmusic review of it, which says it's seminal. SEMINAL! Read this!

The acclaimed duo of Chris Knox and Alec Bathgate's 1980s output on the Flying Nun label was profoundly influential on a generation of lo-fi music. Their influence can be traced in the music of Yo La Tengo, Pavement, Smog, and others working with intimate and primitive songcraft. Legendary home recorders, Fork Songs continues to expand their self-built universe and deepen their songwriting partnership. Fearless assemblages of noisy loops, primitive guitars, and household objects are the instruments favored, and the ease with which they sculpt oblique elements into delicate upbeat songs is stunning. Like the Television Personalities, their low-tech methods prove that great songs will transcend recording methods, and Fork Songs is only another crucial chapter in the book of musical invention that the New Zealand duo wrote.

Come on, tell me that doesn't sound awesome. They're basically saying 2 weird best friends recorded an album using weird instruments and important bands like them. I am going to give this another shot bc I sometimes like listening to Jonathan Richman and other man-children banging pots together and singing about whatever they like.

GUNS N ROSES - USE YOUR ILLUSION II

Yeah! What's up, 1991! Memories:

In high school, Jenny got me this on tape for Xmas one year and I never listened to it.
My nerdy debate friend Kumar quoted the Axl rant in "Get In The Ring" to me verbatim, much to my delight and shock.
I still don't know what parts of "Knockin On Heaven's Door" are sung by the guy from Blind Melon.
"Don't Cry (Alternate Lyrics)" < "Don't Cry (Regs Vers)"
The song "Estranged" should change its name to "what in God's name is this music video about, seriously, dolphins?"
"You Could Be Mine" is Eddie Furlong wearing a Public Enemy shirt with Sam from Diff'rent Strokes pumping a boombox (and decidedly not Christian Bale setting up a wire to trick a Terminator while Common hangs around next to him, being all smooth).

BEST SONG: DON'T CRY / KNOCKIN ON HEAVEN'S DOOR (TIE)

SOFT CELL - LIVE

I never listened to this album, I bought it bc I was hoping there'd be some amazing live version on it of a famous song that no one else would ever be up on, a la the Kraftwerk Minimum/Maximum album. Either way, Soft Cell gets a spot in history because of this 12":

SHUGGIE OTIS - INSPIRATION INFORMATION

This is a Pete from TTL record x1000. In terms of music, this is like what I associate with him the strongest. That and his crazy hyena laugh. Shuggie Otis is cool. It's light and pleasant and has that awesome 70s drum machine thing that's on There's A Riot Goin On. Totally springtime apartment cleaning music. Gonna go buy an armchair at CB2, it's so nice.

SERGE GAINSBOURG - AUX ARMES ET CAETERA

I bought this hoping/wishing there'd be an amazing reggae album on it but nope, it's not good. To counteract this, I'm going to put up a bunch of pictures of Serge being awesome.

Useless CDs

2010-11-08T17:30:00.000-05:00

"My CD collection is useless." -Me

TOMMY GUERRERO "SOUL FOOD TAQUERIA"

Let's get one thing straight. I know nothing about Tommy Guerrero. Is he a skateboarder? I guess I know one thing about him. I also know that I live in a culture that fetishizes and lionizes and everything else-izes skateboarders, even though I hate them. I am an old man! I have nothing against skateboarders per se, it's more like how they are the epitome of the Vice culture of slacker cool anti-bros who breeze through shit and are what scruffy, white, non-jock/nerd teenagers should aspire to. Why do people pay more attention if you skate and do anything other than skate (see also: Jackass, the career of Spike Jonze)? People are like "wow you are so connected to the youth so I guess you have your hand on the pulse." In that regard I guess you could produce more egregious things than a CD of mellow hip-hop loops with faux-funk Beastie Boys noodlings on it. Like, is this all that offensive in the grand scheme of things?

I guess not. It's pretty forgettable though.

BEST SONG: uh... Organism? I have no idea.

MSTRKRFT "THE LOOKS"

LOL @ myself. This album is terrible. Guuuuhhh. MSTRCRP is more like it, you know what I'm saying? Good thing bands like SBTRKT are taking their cues from TRRBLKRFT and you can hear their music on RCRDLBL.com. Right? Christ. Taking out vowels is the equivalent of when you're in high school and start using British spellings of things like "humour" and write in a lowercase "i" instead of "I" when referring to yourself (a la Clowes' Felix character in I Hate You Deeply). Guuuh. Remember the Hipster Grifter? Her internet hash tag should be #HPSTRGRFT.

BEST SONG: Whichever one Cut Copy put on their Fabric mix.

VA - KITSUNE MAISON

Never listened to this one either #duh. But if you read the tracklisting it's like a hype-up list for 2005. Au Revoir Simone, Tom Vek, Digitalism, Lo-Fi Fnk and even Architecture in Helsinki in the house! That VHS or Beta song "Night on Fire" is terrible. Kitsune's cool though, they introduced me to Simian Mobile Disco, the best group in the world.

MADONNA - CONFESSIONS ON A DANCEFLOOR

"Get 'Hung Up' at C.Q.S. (CD Quality, Son), son!" -The logic that justified purchasing this. (Also, "Get Together" is pretty good)

SIMPLE MINDS - NEW GOLD DREAM

I kind of feel bad that Simple Minds did "Don't You Forget About Me" bc now that is their footnote in history. They had a lot of other good songs from the late 70s when they were still doing weird cinematic futuristic Blade Runnery songs. This is my "All Prominent 80s Bands Probably Had An Awesome 70s Punk Phase, Wouldn't You Agree, Spandau Ballet?" theory. However this is not always true, since the first Thompson Twins album is FUCKING TERRIBLE.

This song

2010-11-08T00:38:00.001-05:00

Is really good.

Not only do I think of that Norm MacDonald/SNL Weekend Update sketch when I see people dressed like this, I'm also 90% sure that's John Malkovitch in the video.

700th Post!

2010-11-05T13:13:00.020-04:00

The new LCD Soundsystem video for "Pow Pow" is out. I'm not too nuts about this song -- when I saw them play in NY supporting 'This is Happening' they opened with this. Then on Free Record Day the LCD record was a one-sided single 12" of also this. WTF? Why not release Dance Yrself Clean -- the best song on the album? GAH.

This video is shot/lit nicely, features Anna Shmendrick from that George Clooney airport movie, and is kind of dumb. Or maybe it's not? I don't know, I was watching it without the volume on. But it seems that the visuals have literally nothing to do with the song. Here then, is

The 21 Gun Salute's review of the new LCD Soundsystem video, as experienced by someone watching it for the first time on mute.

We begin with a shot of an open book, Disney-style, to the following completely nonsensical and and confusing line:

Yikes. Good thing there's stonemasonry imagery in here! Already I'm like 'This Is Happening'... more like WHAT is happening, you know what I'm sayin!

So. Anna Shmendricken's character peruses an artfully laid out grid of accessories. It's sort of Jason Bourne-y, I kind of like it when you get the "These Are The Tools of the Trade" shot. Nice iPhone and contact lens case! But why do you need a highlighter? I guess it will make sense later? (spoiler alert: it does not make sense later)

So Shmanna Hendrix lifts up her hand and, using After Effects' Lightning Arc preset, cuts a hole through the space/time continuum and walks out the door. This ain't no ordinary lady!

She gets into a vintage car (I'm SURE this was shot in LA) and has a bodyguard that is... who exactly?

Who art directed this? Why is that guy a hideous ex-marine mountain man? Is that the WWF's Hillbilly Jim?

Manya Henjmork wanders into a club looking demure. Now is as good a time as any to ask: if this video's "nowness" hinges on the fact that she's in it, do we agree she is an It girl? I'm not really sure? She's attractive and all but I'm not really convinced that making her the centerpiece of this video buys it anything:

For one thing, she seems kind of out of her league, even in a small label dance music video. Weird. It's kind of like when Christian Bale plays Batman -- he doesn't have his face to act with in costume, so he has to over-act with his mouth and voice. Same thing here -- Anna Hoonjforb can't use her voice in the video, so she relies on super obvious physical indexes for being hot and cute. For example, lower-lip biting.

In real life, this is like the cheating-est easiest way for girls to look cute and vulnerable and sexy at the same time. In a music video it's lazy shorthand, kind of like when protagonists look into a mirror and drench their face in water and then give themselves a good, hard look. Like, stop biting your lip! You have enough make-up and slinky dresses that show your boobs off to communicate your hotness. And failing that, you also have a marketing team and publicist and product manager:

So she sits down next to the most convincingly scary latino actor of all time (Noel Gugliemi). Or maybe it's DJ Muggs. I can't tell.

Point is, he's a masculine serious party guy who should be feared/respected, as evidenced by his idiotic LA hat and girl next to him in a posh bar. Anna's bald assistant Michael Stipe offers DJ Muggs a contract to sign, which he refuses. Anna casts some kind of Egyptian spell on him:

So many candles! What are we, in Stevie Nicks' trailer?

(in trailer VO voice) THE EGYPTIAN SYMBOL FOR SOMETHING!

Next we have bootleg Pharrell sitting at some other posh place. Here is a man to be taken TWICE as seriously, because he has TWICE the number of girls around him and TWICE the amount of candles!

Ancho Henchmobe wanders in with her dangling boobs and gang of bald henchmen like they own the place, and Michael Stipe tries to get Pharrell to sign some kind of document. Pharrell refuses.

His refusal makes Anna so angry that she bites her lower lip again. Yay! The camera adds 10 cuteness! Then she also does the "who, me?" and then casts her Fleetwood Mac spell.

ANOTHER EGYPTIAN SYMBOL FOR SOMETHING. A COMPASS, A "G" AND A RULER, I GUESS!

Cut to bootleg Michael Ironside, sitting in a car waiting angrily for something.

Anna Handjob's gang of idiots show up and negotiate some kind of contract, which is again refused.

Anna, meanwhile, lurks in the background biting her lip, waiting for her opportunity to After Effects this bald clown (so many bald people in this video).

YES! Finally! I had to wait SO LONG before I could stop biting my lower lip and hold my hand up!

THE SYMBOL FOR STONEMASONRY AND ALSO WHO CARES

OK so now it gets "arty." DJ Muggs, bootleg Pharrell, and bootleg Michael Ironside show up in some heavily lit parlor, where they are greeted by various powerful men. There are no candles and women around, so how do we know they are powerful? They are wearing uniforms and business suits, of course.

And also, one of them looks like the greatest fool to ever walk the face of the earth.

Easy there, Elton John's boyfriend! Woof!

Anna, in a desperate attempt to check every item off the Things Girls Do When They Want To Flirt, also plays with her hair.

She wanders out, looking like Celine Dion.

Close up of Angra's face, looking mad? Seductive? Large front two teeth-having? I guess this is the "grown up sexy temptress" shot. She approaches the 3 dudes and there is a flash of white light. This is also where I think the video fails, bc using her as this centerpiece relies on her ability to pull this off, which I do not buy at all.

The next day, Michael Ironside wakes up, looking despondent.

As does Pharrell Williams.

As does the guy from that scary Latino gang scene in Training Day.

Presumably they're soul-less now!

And the last shot is Anyo Hagrid going over her grid of laid-out items, only this time we see brass knuckles? That she hovers over and then moves on from?

The end? WTF is going on? Oh, before I forget, THE END WAS ALSO THE BEGINNING BECAUSE LIFE IS CYCLICAL (see: Runaway). Also this makes no sense whatsoever. It has nothing to do with the song, lyrically. It has nothing to do with the Egyptian hieroglyphics, either. It has nothing to do with anything. It doesn't even make sense. If the guys refuse to sign the contract (presumably one that would sell their souls) why would they still have lost their souls at the end? Is it a commentary on them being soul-less the whole time? Is it a waste of time? The answers are: maybe, and yes.

Fagotron

2010-11-04T18:23:00.002-04:00

Useless CDs

2010-11-03T10:41:00.002-04:00

"So many CDs! None of them are useful." -Me

V/A - MENTAL GROOVE: WHERE IS HERE

I got this CD for one reason and one reason only: "The Beach" by Miss Kittin & The Hacker. Their "Frank Sinatra" had earned them so much goodwill that I was checking for them for months after it came out on 12. They did not really follow up on the hype so much in a lot of ways, but this track was so good I made it the last song on Metal on Metal.

BEST SONG: THIS

JEFF BUCKLEY - GRACE (DELUXO VERSION)

This is funny because Eli just posted that Jeff Buckley's cover of "Hallelujah" is better than the original which both I and Archie Bevins think is hilarious. Jeff Buckley, Jeff Buckley, where do I begin. Girls love Jeff Buckley. I mean like LOOOOVE in the same way they love their cats and Halloween. Him being shit-housed and walking into a river notwithstanding, I guess he was a talented guy, or at least was reasonably talented. It's hard to say, what with him being the son of Tim Buckley, growing up in a musically affluent household a la Mark Ronson or Sean Lennon or whoever else, how much talent is actually inhered, but he sure was dreamy! Girl could get lost in those eyes.

Jeff Buckley was literally a character from Beverly Hills 90210:

Despite this, he performed his "serious music" with such a serious seriousness you had to gag that he had no humor about himself. The only people not gagging are girls who are in love with him. Have you ever been attracted to a girl bc she is hot, and she is like a painter or a collage artist or a musician or whatever and has had her dubious artistic tendencies justified every step of the way because she is hot? Encouraging hot people to follow their creativity is pointless. Hot people are not good at being creative. This is why James Franco's books are terrible, Scarlett Johansson should never talk, and why Stephen King is a good writer and Bob Dylan is a hideous looking man.

On the flipside of this, have you ever known a California sunshine faux hippie guy who just lazed around with his shirt off, practicing yoga and hypnotizing girls with BS philosophies about "how we're all energy man"? That guy, with a larger and more consuming need to be recognized as a genius on his own terms, is Jeff Buckley.

(I don't like Jeff Buckley!)

PHOENIX - IT'S NEVER BEEN LIKE THAT

Phoenix are cool. I never listened to this album. They are "French Strokes" etc and all their songs are always off-kilter for that reason. It's like when you see Japanese approximations of American culture: it's right for the most part on paper, but in execution there's something missing.

ROXY MUSIC - COUNTRY LIFE

The best thing about Roxy Music is their record covers. That's it. There should just be a book of pictures of all their album, 12" and 7" covers and maybe a CD insert that has their 5 best songs. I never fully understood Roxy Music. Were they basically arty Pink Floyd? Consider: [Brian Eno/Syd Barrett] recorded early on with [Roxy Music/Pink Floyd], then left to become a full-time crazy person, and then [Bryan Ferry/Roger Waters] took full control, and focused the band's energies to producing songs about [being quasi-gay/war, British class inequalities, trappings of rock stardom, crazy diamonds continuing to shine on parts 6-9].

MARVIN GAYE - TROUBLE MAN

I did not listen to this either. I bought it bc it's "important." Although it has this "ill break" on it, "kid"!

Weezer Pinkerton Deluxo Version

2010-11-03T10:17:00.001-04:00

Get it while you can

DUUUDDDDDESSS

2010-11-02T10:55:00.001-04:00

DuuuuuuooooooooooDdddes!!

Derezzed - Daft Punk by cyanuro.

Useless CDs

2010-10-28T16:30:00.004-04:00

"Tonight, I'm cleaning out my closet [of CDs]." -Eminem

SKID ROW - S/T

Man, Serato justifies some idiotic purchases. Like this one for example. Do I have long hair (or for that matter, any hair at all? As I am rapidly balding?) Is it 1989, and I am in Jew Nersey working on my Thunderbird? Do I stuff nerds into lockers because I live in Wisconsin? Actually, I guess if I TRULY were into Skid Row, I would live on skid row. None of these things are true! It's only bc I like "I Remember You" and agree with the sentiments of "18 And Life" and "Youth Gone Wild" that I thought I should buy this CD, so as to have those songs in my computer at C.Q.S (CD Quality, Son). Total number of times, in my life, that I have voluntarily listened to/played any of those songs: zero.
BEST SONG: I REMEMBER YOU

SEXY BEAST OST

LOL, myself. This CD is an import, meaning it must have cost me like $25! Guh! This is hilarious that I have this. Why? Because this CD has 2 amazing songs (Mancini's "Lujon" and "Peaches" by the Stranglers), and 11 terrible ones. In a twist surprising NO ONE, the 11 terrible songs are also the ones written by UNKLE (sans DJ Shadow) and South, which is the reason I originally bought this nonsense in the first place. I should have spent my money on DJ Dexta records, YKNOWWHATI'MSAYIN! Anyways, this movie is good. Sir Ben Kinglsey slays and the scenes with the 2 good songs are good. Woof, James Lavelle. Woof as well as oof.

AMON TOBIN - BRICOLAGE

Man, Amon Tobin. Way to use a high-minded French-origin word as an album title. Why don't you call your album Fromage or Patisserie while you're at it? Isn't Amon Tobin Brazilian? I was really into him for a while. Anytime you get one of these post-D&B guys like Amon Tobin or Squarepusher, they are really unrewarding bc the good songs to shitty songs ratio is so poor. I had to listen to 10 songs of fretless bass guitar squooglings before I got to "Port Rhombus." I had to listen to 20 terrible go-nowhere "atmospheric" fake D&B songs before I got to something like "Nightlife". Is there even one good song on this CD? Maybe? All I know for a fact is that if you have this on vinyl it probably goes for decent money on eBay. Ninja Tune lovers are nothing if not completists.

MORRISSEY - LIVE AT EARLS COURT

My first Moz concert was for his "You Are The Quarry" tour and it was amazing, you guys. The first song he played was "First of the Gang to Die," which means that the first time I saw Morrissey, the first thing he said was "you have never been in love" and I was like "you're kind of right!" This was the tour in which he just recently lifted the embargo on Smiths songs (as opposed to the tour he did after which was like a greatest hits tour). One thing I figured out from owning this particular CD is that the live version of "There Is A Light" is the same BPM as "Losing My Religion," so I used to play those 2 back-to-back, until the bartender was like "why the hell would you play the slower, shittier, older version of There Is A Light?" to which I had no reply but to immediately stop doing it. These days I'll go from the LP version to "Common People."

HELIUM - THE DIRT OF LUCK

The artiest, punkiest Asian I knew in high school LOVED THE SHIT out of Helium. He was also in an alt-rock band named after a wrestler and today is a designer who is still super arty. The lesson? Arty people remain arty, and are into arty things. When I tried to follow in his footsteps and bought this CD, I only knew "Pat's Trick" and "Medusa," which are still the only 2 songs I know. If it's 1995 and you're into Stone Temple Pilots, records like this are incomprehensible walls of confusing sound. Is Helium good? "I don't even know anymore." -The Simpsons

Useless CDs

2010-10-26T11:17:00.014-04:00

I have so many useless CDs -- almost as many as I have useless hip-hop records (I have many useless hip-hop records).

TAKUYA SUGIMOTO - MICHI

What the hell is this crap. This looks like the logical extension of Ninja Tune/Mo Wax fetishizing, compounded by a side fetish of Japanese import CDs. Oh DJ Krush, you have so much to answer for. The sticker on the CD sleeve literally says "Phat Electro & Breaks," which is a ridiculous combination of words. I have no idea what this sounds like, I probably listened to it once and put it on MiniDisc in college. I'm sure there's one really nice, jazzy, probably piano-having track over sparse drum programming on this CD that I could locate if you gave me 5 minutes. But is it worth it? I have often asked myself what becomes of short girls. Now I must also ask, what becomes of the dime-a-dozen goatee'd Japanese trip-hop producers?

UPDATE! I totally found that one song! I'm sure this CD cost me like $30, so this is a $30 song, because the rest of the album is terrible: Nagi - "星月夜 Hoshizukiyo"

LIZZY MERCIER DESCLOUX - PRESS COLOR

What's up, pretentious NY no wave art scene of the late 70s/early 80s! Man you may be important but you sure are unlistenable. I wonder if people tolerated Lizzy Mercier Descloux (that name! "Oh hello, I am Lizzy Mercier Descloux. I will not respond to Lizzy.") because she was a hot French chick. They just tolerated her "artistic tendencies" bc they assumed they would bone her after producing her cover of the Mission Impossible theme. Or, knowing the times, she was probably a 5'1" French Canadian with hairy armpits and wore ye olde dresses to express how arty she was.

Also, she recorded this:

Which is totally this:

PEACHES & GONZALEZ - RED LEATHER EP

This EP is fantastic. The lead track is all glitzy sleazy electro house glamor, and the rest of the EP, while at times very juvenile, also has a joyful spark of discovery all over it. It's brash and snotty and punky in all the best ways, following the footsteps of other great Jew punk Joey Ramone in spirit and religion, if not pomped out hair.

BEST SONG - RED LEATHER

THE STOOGES - FUNHOUSE

Iggy & The Stooges remain untouchable in the punk canon for obvious reasons. Watching YT footage of Iggy shirtlessly writhing around in glass/spitting at 1970s clueless jock guys is so iconic it borders on self-parody. Did you know this is Q Magazine's Loudest Album Ever? I put "Down on the Corner" on Metal On Metal years ago, and now just found out apparently there's a single version with an organ over it??? Crazy??? Thank you, Wikipedia?

Kanye

2010-10-25T13:11:00.023-04:00

Has everyone seen the new highly stylized slice of Kanye West's id? It is pretty and ridiculous:

If you don't have 34 minutes to watch, here's a summary:

1. Shot of Kanye running.

Title card: RUNAWAY. Get it, audience?

2. Kanye is driving, and a comet falls out of the sky in front of his expensive European car.

The comet is in fact a black woman who wears feathers.

Kanye carries her away from an explosion in slow-motion, in a manner not dissimilar to Serge's Melody Nelson narrative and the Propellerheads album cover:

Actually, this raises my side-point. A lot has been said of Kanye's relevance more as a celebrity/personality than as a rapper, and I think on projects like this that bears a lot of merit. Kanye is an original American asshole, at this point so rich and artistically free to do literally whatever he wants that he can write a song that publicly apologizes for publicly being an asshole, and perform it at the awards show on which he originally was that asshole -- that song itself also celebrating assholes!

ANYWAYS it called to mind Serge Gainsbourg and I wondered whether or not Kanye was following in his footsteps? I mean, aside from the obvious visual similarity of the way Melody Nelson and Runaway begin, both are half hour concept pieces detailing forbidden love. True, Melody Nelson is visually garbage and as far as I know a lot less obsessed with public persona, but that's not to say Serge himself wasn't obsessed with the public perception of him as an asshole. Kanye and Serge's paths seem similar, but I guess the main differences is that Kanye also produces his music, and is uniquely/irreducibly American in the same way that Serge is uniquely/irreducibly French.

3. Kanye takes Alien Bird Lady (ABL) back to his apartment in Prague and she watches the news, who says that her arrival was a comet:

Kanye turns it off and says "don't trust what the media says about me stuff."

4. Kanye plays the beat to "Power" on an MPC and she falls in love with him.

5. Kanye takes ABL to a parade of British redcoats hauling a giant Michael Jackson float.

She falls in love with these 2 things, which apparently sum up the full range of human experience/progress.

6. Kanye takes it upon Himself to tame the savage beast.

Removing all the trappings of her animal nature, he civilizes her to the ways of high society:

On a related note, remember when Kanye looked like this?

And now he looks like this?

7. Kanye performs "Runaway" in the style of his VMAs and SNL performance.

8. ABL freaks out when she sees that they are eating bird for dinner.

9. After some intense soul-searching and the following verbatim transcription, Kanye and ABL consummate their relationship.

ABL: If I don't burn, I will turn to stone.
Kanye: What do you mean burn?
ABL: If I don't burn, I can't go back to my world.
Kanye: I don't want you to go back to your world. I want you to stay here with me.
ABL: I have to burn.
Kanye: No. I'll never let you burn.

SPOILER ALERT THEY KISS!!!!!!!

10. Following an extremely subtle and elegant visual metaphor, Kanye awakens to find himself alone.

11. Kanye, upon waking up/finding himself alone, runs away (get it, audience?) and sees that ABL has flown away I GUESS THEY WERE NOT SO DIFFERENT AFTER ALL, HE AND SHE, AND ALSO, THE BEGINNING WAS THE END THE WHOLE TIME

Also,

Useless CDs

2010-10-25T08:41:00.005-04:00

Ah yes, here we go. So many CDs taking up room in my apartment. Records too. What I'm saying is, I need to get rid of more shit. I am forever getting rid of more shit.

THE STROKES "FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF EARTH"

Ah! The first visible cracks in the thentofore impermeable Strokes facade came when their extremely bad Stone Temple Pilots cover "Juicebox" failed to electrify listeners (me). The whiny "I'm so tired, can I come to your apartment and complain about the party" lyrics had been replaced by Julian Casarica's unfiltered "WHY DONCHOO COME OVAH HEEEEEAHH!"

And the video! Yikes! Not that the videos for "Someday" and "Reptilia" were legendary but at least they rang some kind of true. The unapologetic over-stylization of the whole thing (old woman bestiality! lesbians! gay downtown bathroom make-outs! cutting edge motorola razr phone!) combined with a totally unnecessary David Cross make for a thoroughly "huh?" experience:

Right? Where's the simple-structured youth-is-fleeting and aren't-we-wistful quality of earlier Strokes efforts? This makes me think the Vampire Weekend 3rd album will also inevitably stink.

BEST SONG: You Only Live Once -- because this was written during Room On Fire-era!

THOMPSON TWINS - QUICK STEP AND SIDE KICK

"Hold Me Now" is forever the burden of the Thompson Twins, but it's not like "If You Leave" made any of OMD's earlier songs any less good. And besides, those are both great songs! The Thompson Twins were so weird. Nevermind that they were basically Color Me Badd but dressed in drag, their songs were poppy, catchy, peculiar and circus-y, dubby, weird and singular. They worked with Grace Jones, so you know they were awesome. Not only does this album feature greatest song ever "Lies", but it also has a song immortalized by John Hughes in a perfect sound/vision synergistic moment:

That song is also the BEST SONG, which is If You Were Here

V/A - GHOSTLY TRY OUTS PT 2

I got this CD for free. I only know one song on it. Ghostly is a good label though. I mean, Michna's on it! If you like forward-thinking downtempo/electronica/techno you can stream it here, but I got this comp basically for the Outputmessage track.

THE STONE ROSES - S/T

NOPE! File under "too white." Haha. Oh man. I remember when I went to the Morrissey night at Sway (do they still do that?) and Paul Sevigneeeee played "I Wanna Be Adored" and "Hallelujah" by the Happy Mondays. I asked him what the latter was and he gave me one of those "uh... the Happy Mondays [you idiotic idiot]?" and I was too ashamed to ask him what the former was.

Well, good thing anglophile Kevin was there, who informed me it was the Stone Roses. I eventually bought this album somewhere, presumably convinced of its importance bc of the deluxo CD treatment, and proceeded to listen to it never. I also bought the 33 1/3 book about this? For some reason? Ugh. So many wasted 2003 dollars. Oh well, when I'm not listening to the 19 minute version of "Fool's Gold" (always) I'm thinking about how great "I Wanna Be Adored" is.

Iggy & The Stooges - S/T

This album is amazing! I think! I've never actually listened to it all the way through. The point in my life in which I should have been, I was listening to In Utero over and over and trying to learn how to play "Aero Zeppelin" on guitar. Sure I know all the big songs.

Duh! Sure I do!

I never have any inkling or desire to listen to important late 70s seminal punk albums UNLESS I'm reading Please Kill Me, in which case I want to listen ONLY to it.

BEST SONG - 1969

This Guy Is Raising $10M to get Weezer to Break Up

2010-10-06T13:11:00.002-04:00

Hilarious.

http://www.thepoint.com/campaigns/campaign-0-1079

Celine Dion is Amazing

2010-10-01T15:07:00.001-04:00

In case you never saw it:

Duck Sauce

2010-09-27T23:40:00.001-04:00

Wonderful.

download

Useless CDs

2010-09-26T23:54:00.005-04:00

Ugh! CDs! Too many of you! Get rid of you! I must! -Yoda

TENACIOUS D - S/T

Is this CD funny? Does this CD rock? The answer to both questions is a very qualified yes, depending on how old you are. I would never make anyone my age listen to "They're All Gonna Laugh At You," but if you're 15 you better put on a diaper and have Kleenex ready because you will cry and shit with laughter. Looking at my copy of this CD, there is somehow neither a BMG Music Service nor a Columbia House UPC code on the back, which leads me to believe that I MUST HAVE PAID MONEY FOR THIS? Probably at Tower Records for $18.99? That is ridiculous.

On a side/related note, I bought the Bourne Supremacy DVD today at the Brooklyn Record Riot because I really like that franchise of moveis, and I texted my ex-RM about it, and he said "why would you buy a DVD of anything?" and at that moment I asked myself the same question. DVDs! Hilarious! So dated already.

This CD is funny, I guess. "Fuck Her Gently" will forever remain the most popular song on this album, especially because Jack Black goes "ZANZIBAR!" in it. Other than that I have literally no recollection of any other song on this album. Weird things about it: the Dust Brothers produced it. Dave Grohl plays drums on it. Bob Odenkirk wrote one of the songs on it. Other than that I would say that this album kind of pushed Jack Black beyond the pale for me. I like him in High Fidelity and in School of Rock, and everything else has been kind of Blughs.

THE FALL - 50,000 FALL FANS CAN'T BE WRONG

Yes they can be! You know what? If ever I was going to follow my dream of becoming James Murphy, I would force myself to like this and Pylon. Because even a cursory glance at the song listing makes it interesting:

1. "How I Wrote Elastic Man" - was homage'd by Elastica
2. "Hip Priest" was homage'd by LCD
3. There's a cover of "There's A Ghost In My House"! Northern Soul BARNSTORMER! (what they now refer to as "massive choon")
4. Plus it has "Totally Wired" and "Mr Pharmacist" which are the only 2 good Fall songs I know.

So... maybe the Fall are worthwhile? Anyone out there have opinions?

SADE - LOVERS ROCK

Remember when I said that Wilco, Bob Dylan and Springsteen were "too white" for me? Well, Sade ("it's pronounced SHAR-day.") is too black for me. Am I Naymond's mom? Nope. Will I ever have relations to this album? Nope. Why do I have it. I have no idea.

DJ QBERT - WAVE TWISTERS

Haha! There was a year when I was really, REALLY into Wave Twisters. I would "get blunted" (AKA "get bliz-nigh") and watch the VHS of this, which is a funny sentence to write. I would try to get my friends into it too. Wave Twisters is extremely dorky, and like all things related to ISP, only really digestible in 2 minute doses. Sorry, John Carluccio, but Skratch Notation never took off, because it is FUCKING IDIOTIC. I can appreciate self-mythologizing and "let's elevate skratching to an art form" but I never bought it.

Turntablism is neither an art nor is the turntable a musical instrument. Not to say that there are not people who are very talented that can make strong arguments in that favor, bc there definitely are (DJ Shadow though technically I guess he uses samples, DJ Dexta, Kid Koala, Qbert, D Styles, etc) , but it's the same thing with comics. The form itself is already limiting and the standard is so low that if you are intelligent/talented and make something that elevates the form then congratulations, Alan Moore, Dan Clowes, and Chris Ware! But that does not mean the entire medium itself is now no longer "just for kids," it just means that you are very talented and you made a great work.

Also, try to watch this without getting a seizure. Not to say it is "poorly done" because I think it actually is pretty revolutionary and extremely, unapologetically weird, and SO OBVIOUSLY the result of doing an insane amount of drugs:

AL GREEN -14 GREATEST HITS

I'm listening to this right now. Al Green is so good. I'm gonna keep this CD.

Useless CDs

2010-09-17T20:23:00.003-04:00

Wither thou goest, Useless CDs feature on The 21 Gun Salute? Thou art here again!

I finally moved apartments. Part of my whole reason for doing Useless CDs was to give each CD a proper send-off before I gave it to iPodmeister.com in exchange for an iPad. During this process, 2 things happened:

1. I realized that I actually still want to keep my CDs, bc I feel like I will still want them at some point down the road, I don't know, to give to my kids or something? It's not rational.

2. I realized that in order to get an iPad for my CDs I would need to give them like 800, and I can only muster like 250. So... yeah.

RIO BAILE FUNK "FAVELA BOOTY BEATS"

I stand by what I wrote before about Baile Funk. It is unlistenable garbage. Then again, you're not really supposed to put it on in the background while you listen to NPR and make old man tea:

Nope, you're only really supposed to listen to it at deafening volumes while you're sweating your face off in a Scion-sponsored rave in Miami. Otherwise it becomes an unbearable listening experience. It's akin to hearing airhorns. Is it fun to hear an airhorn in a live DJ set? Yes. Would you listen to a CD full of airhorns? No. Does likening Baile Funk to unlistenable garbage make me a racist? Yes, but this is not new.

BEST SONG: Popozuda Rock'n'roll

BEST OF THE TOADIES

Ha ha, I have this, and by that I mean, YES I have this. (fist pump) I love the Toadies' first album so much I went to see older, balder Toadies perform it pretty much in its entirety (along with the requisite new songs) 2 years ago. What sticks in my brain is how totally indebted to the Pixies they are. The weird time signatures, gothic/dark/water based/religious lyrical themes, screamy voice/singing voice stuff are all there. And I truly think the Toadies were a cut above the rest of the 90s ilk. Toadies, Elastica, Pulp. Anyone else?

YO LA TENGO "GENIUS + LOVE"

Ask me how many times I listened to this. Ask! The answer is zero. I like how YLT are famous/proud for being the world's oldest, ugliest band of old ugly men and one ugly woman. Not to say that I don't like Yo La Tengo. "Our Way To Fall" is beautiful and touching, as is "Autumn Sweater" and about 100 other songs by them. Anyways, I don't really have anything bad to say about YLT. I like them, given half a chance!

ROD LEE VOL 1: OPERATION START-UP

Yikes. See above re: this shit is no fun to listen to at home, but fun to listen to live? Now that I write it out the answer is still no. Bmore is fucking terrible to listen to live. I like it when you throw it in there in a party set then dip out of it, but to hear Sing Sing drums for 20 minutes is unbearable. The Highs and Mids on those drums are fucking ear-splitting! Bmore house in the house!

DAVID BANNER CERTIFIED

I never listened to this. I got it for free. But David Banner "Like A Pimp" is the best song in creation, as is "Play" if for no other reason than its boner-inducing video. I would have put it on the Top 10 Boner Givingest Music Videos Of All Time, except for the fact that, like all bad porn, you will just begin to get a boner and then look at Banner's hideous grill-faced mug.

"Full stop. Both machines."
-Joe Matt

Also, David Banner reading the generic "BUSINESS" section of a newspaper = LOL. Move over 50!

The Neverending Party, Part 2

2010-09-17T15:00:00.003-04:00

Wow I can't believe I found this. Lloyd and I made this in 2003. We were working together at Turntable Lab and he was like "we should make a party CD with no bullshit on it. We should call it The Neverending Party, Part 2, and you'll be DJ Falkor and I'll be DJ Atreyu."

I was like "OK this is a good idea" and we recorded it to 4-track in my apartment over a few days. It's all done from vinyl, no big deal, the mixes are pretty straightforward but I still like this mix a lot. I remember distinctly having to mix everything in the headphones and listening to everything back on the headphones, because I didn't have a monitor, and we had to do a lot of punching in to make them perfect. Every time he heard a good mix Lloyd would pump his fists with his eyes closed and headphones on.

Also, when I put the CD in my iTunes apparently someone out there put the tracklisting up already! Crazy. Now to find the album art (Pete Photoshopped me and Lloyd's face onto the Neverending Story poster).

YEAH!

The Neverending Party, Part 2

I had this idea

2010-09-10T16:20:00.003-04:00

You can ask my old roommate to verify, but I had this idea first. I was going to do 2 versions of the Inception trailer, the first one was using the OG trailer's footage and doing my own acapella audio, and the second was using the OG trailer's audio and doing my own video. Either way I never did it, these guys did, and despite sour grapes I think they did an awesome job.

Arcade Fire

2010-08-30T17:50:00.003-04:00

Let me just start by saying that I am not an Arcade Fire fan. Moving on.

They have a new web video that utilizes Google Maps to create a personalized video for you, depending on where you grew up. HTML5 = the future. It's all based on separate windows popping up. It's kind of amazing and makes a good argument for the viability of the web as its own medium. Also its success hinges on personalized nostalgia, so of course I like it.

Best viewed in Chrome.

Watch that shit here!

Bomba Estereo

2010-08-28T13:46:00.003-04:00

I produced a live show with this band from Colombia called Bomba Estereo for my job. Here's my 2 favorites from the show:

More here!

STFU: Ice Cube

2010-08-19T14:05:00.003-04:00

*via the AV Club.

Useless CDs

2010-08-02T18:22:00.001-04:00

Useless CDs! Useless CDs! ~~Useful CDs!~~ Useless CDs!

DEAD MILKMEN "BEELZEBUBBA"

Dead Milkmen are great. "Punk Rock Girl" was my first taste of what snotty wise-ass punk could be. Ie- poppy, sarcastic, appealing to the 10th grade cleverer-than-you part of your brain, and way dorky. This set the stage for bands like NoFX, and also the set the bar open for abuse by bands like Goldfinger. But at the beginning, things were good!

This album has great jams like "Brat In The Frat," "I Walk The Thinnest Line," and "Bad Party." I will always have a place in my heart for Dead Milkmen, thanks to my cuz. Also, the one time I saw Eli at the Woods he requested I play this, and when you're at the Woods and Eli requests you play this, you ignore him and play La Roux, and then a few minutes later you play this, because you never hear this out.

BEST SONG: Punk Rock Girl DUH

DUKE ELLINGTON "MONEY JUNGLE"

Hey, it's jazz! Look at all these either heroin addicts or future heroin addicts hanging around recording music together. From left to right we have Morgan Freeman, Bill Cosby, and Reggie Watts. Thanks, guys! #racist

V/A "ELECTRO SLASH DISCO_"

This was purchased as a part of my "Because Of Serato, Get Everything At C.Q.S. (CD Quality, Son)" campaign. Actually, the track listing on this is intensely good. Like, I will never get tired of hearing Konk's "Your Life" on any comp because that song is always the best. Plus Quando Quango, Lime, the Pablovia Raban mix of "You Don't Know," etc etc. Cop this shit, son (or daughter) of my loins!

BEST SONG: Konk "Your Life"

ELLA FITZGERALD "COMPACT JAZZ LIVE"

Ella Fitzgerald is a fucking crazy woman live. I used to think that Bobby McFerrin and George Kranz in coked-up scat-off would be the most intense live show ever, but I am in fact wrong because when Ella Fitzgerald starts scatting she scats way hard and does it for like 5 minutes. I keep forgetting that for the most part, jazz musicians, despite all the album covers portraying the contrary, were all basically fuck-ups and drug addicts, and when you put them on a live stage they would go off.

BEST SONG: "I Can't Give You Anything But Love" in which she impersonates both Louie Armstrong and Rose Murphy!

BELLE & SEBASTIAN "PUSH BARMAN TO OPEN OLD WOUNDS"

There was a 5 minute window of opportunity for me to get into Belle & Sebastian. It was right after I somehow convinced myself that Postal Service was a good band and I was pliantly receptive to the elitist ramblings of Pitchfork. During this standards-relaxing haze, actual literal thoughts of mine included "Belle & Sebastian is pleasant!," "Look at their Smiths-inspired packaging!" and "I'm sleepy!"

Matador, never one to back away from an opportunity to repackage with a tacky badge, re-released B&S's first EPs to the delight of I guess a few people and to the curiosity of me. It is this hardbound double deluxo disc that I made my first forays into the twee limp-dicked dandyisms of B&S. And I don't necessary dislike them! Jams like "This Is Just A Modern Rock Song" and "The State I Am In" make a strong case for staying in bed, drinking tea, and complaining about how difficult it is to be white and wear perfect clothes.

File Under: the thinly spun gossamer of our own fleeting youth / lilting / Virginia Astley

VELVET UNDERGROUND "VU"

Speaking of the burden of being white, I only bought this because of Stephanie Says, which I know from Wes Anderson. But it's not bad otherwise, there's an early version of "Andy's Chest," plus "She's My Best Friend" ended up on Reed's 70s album Coney Island Baby. Although I guess that doesn't detract from how shitty Lou Reed otherwise is.

By the way: poignant or cloying?

I Trusted You

2010-07-26T01:32:00.000-04:00

Avalanches

2010-07-23T01:22:00.001-04:00

I forgot that the Avalanches existed, and that they were wonderful.

GIMIX mix

The Avalanches ~ Electricity (DJ Harvey Night Club Re-Edit)

Also, this is incredibly dorky, but I was really into it at the time.

sleeveface dance

2010-07-22T00:54:00.001-04:00

*via nacho veal slice

My Spoiler-Free Review of Inception

2010-07-17T14:56:00.000-04:00

Fuck all y'all motherfuckers

2010-07-13T19:14:00.001-04:00

FOR REALZIES

Useless CDs

2010-07-11T23:00:00.002-04:00

There may be a little confusion about the "Useless CDs" series. This is not necessarily for shitting on CDs I own and hate. I'm getting rid of all my CDs and some of these I love and some of them I hate and most of them I totally forgot I ever even owned. Thus, this series is kind of a send off for them. Hmm?

TODD RUNDGREN "GREATEST HITS"

Rundy! The Runt! Todd Rundgren rules. I say this based on three songs by him that I like. Those songs are "Hello It's Me," "Couldn't I Just Tell You," and "I Saw The Light." Also, he's like the original Ric Ocasek: both are these enormous, loping Abraham Lincoln motherfuckers that are hideous Frankensteins. Remember what I said about judging people's music based on what they ended up looking like? Well, feast your eyes on this steaming bowl of amazing:

Right? Like, what? Also he produced Bat Out Of Hell, so everyone can sit down and shut up now.

UNKLE "PSYENCE FICTION"

LOL.

BEST SONGS: Celestial Annihilation, Unreal, Unkle Main Title Theme.

TORI AMOS "STRANGE LITTLE GIRLS" & "SCARLET'S WALK"

The reason I have these lesbian piano albums is because at one point in 1995 I had a huge crush on this girl who was a writer and she was way into Tori Amos, so of course I became way into Tori Amos. The funny thing is, once I decide I like something, I will follow my completist urges and buy basically everything they have ever recorded. I also will not apologize or flip-flop on liking it. So yeah, I'm a Tori Amos fan and saw her in concert, and also have opinions about what her best B-Sides are ("London Girls" and "Sandwich Song"). I really liked Little Earthquakes and Under The Pink, thought Boys For Pele was a bit overblown and gratuitous, loved Choirgirl Hotel, and basically stopped following her after that. Of course being an object-obsessed completist, I still duly bought albums like these -- Scarlet's Walk (which I never listened to), and Strange Little Girls: her covers album (featuring hideous versions of "97 Bonnie & Clyde" and "Happiness Is A Warm Gun" and an extremely unironic cover of Tom Waits' "Time").

What's funny about Tori Amos (and there are many funny things about her, including the fact that she's literally a character in Neil Gaiman's Sandman series), is that she's such a hippie drippy new age earth mama that she literally believes each of her songs is a living breathing entity with its own personality. Also, she literally lives in a castle in England. I realize I'm using "literally" a lot but when you're writing about Tori Amos you have to use it to ground the conversation because she's FUCKING CA-CA.

THE BYRDS "FIFTH DIMENSION"

Kyle recommended this to me while we were working at the store together. I need to listen to it more, I currently have no opinion about it.

WILCO "YANKEE HOTEL FOXTROT"

Nope!!! Sorry, white people, but Wilco is not cutting the mustard for me. It falls into the "Too White" category. I know no one is ever allowed to say anything bad about Bob Dylan, ever, but Bob Dylan is also too white. So is Bruce Springsteen.

Isn't this album revered by Pitchfork devotees as being the only worthwhile modern album not recorded by Radiohead? Also, is the character Richard Katz in the new Jonathan Franzen novel based on Jeff Tweedy?

The funny thing is, I am currently listening to this album as I type this, and I'm like "this isn't so bad, actually." What ever happened to the courage of my convictions? I'm so easily swayed. It's totally nice and unobjectionable, and even though being inoffensive is not a selling point, I realize I'm an old man now and pleasant music is pleasant to listen to.

"I know what I hate, and I don't hate this." -Mr Burns

Bieber VS Chairlift VS Violens

2010-07-11T21:55:00.000-04:00

Sunday, Son!

2010-07-09T17:51:00.001-04:00

Kyle and I are selling some records in Brooklyn. Come by and see what records we don't want anymore.

The Same Song

2010-07-08T08:50:00.003-04:00

How is this (admittedly good) song

Not literally the same as this (also good) song

Underwear by FM Belfast

2010-07-06T13:24:00.002-04:00

Beautifully shot/edited.

*via

Useless CDs

2010-07-05T20:00:00.010-04:00

I have boxes of useless CDs. It's funny to think that in the transition from analog to digital, I was like "ah yes, when I am done transitioning to CDs, I'll truly be a citizen of the future."

"Looks like I'm going to have to buy the White Album again!!!" -Tommy Lee Jones, Men In Black!!!

Let's discuss.

TROPICALIA: A BRAZILIAN REVOLUTION IN SOUND

I like Tropicalia. It's a totally soft, pleasant, psyche-lite genre that is completely unobtrusive, lilting, like a bath, and has flutes and sometimes fuzz guitars. At its best, like Caetano Veloso's "London London", it borders on Beatles/Jonathan Richman/man-child territory, but at its worst, it can just be an endless cacophony of clanging bells and screaming Portuguese. The fact that it is a genre with way intense sociopolitical roots is annoying but ignorable. I mean, I found out about this genre through Beck, I'm not about to go read Tropical Truth (which I actually bought and intended to read as a part of my "educate myself" initiative, but then I read the first 15 pages and used it in my "prop open my bathroom door" initiative). In any event, Tropicalia has tons of weird and beautiful songs/moments, my favorites of which came from either Caetano Veloso and Gal Costa. I never got into Os Mutantes for some reason, but I'm sure they have their moments in the sun too.
File under: Pleasant, along with BBQ, suntan lotion, and naps.
BEST SONG: Gilberto Gil "Bat Macumba"

THE CLASH: GIVE 'EM ENOUGH ROPE

This is the 2nd Clash LP right? Can I get a confirmation, Fletcher? This is I believe the "stripped down, back to basics, no-nonsense, not unlike getting your balls served to you with eggs benedict etc" album with only 10 songs. I still prefer the first album and London Calling over this one, but the album opener "Safe European Home" still stands among the best of the Clash poppy/anthem songs, also because it's basically about their going to Jamaica because they love reggae, but then being terrified of it because of the drugs/violence and running away back to England and being like "phew! We may have terrible dental hygiene and horrible food options in our soccer-obsessed monarchy, but at least there's no scary Jamaicans around." Ha ha, the Clash. The Jamaicans they met must have been like the Santeria-practicing George Clinton-looking ones from Predator 2.

PIXIES: BOSSANOVA

I never really listened to this. Is it good? "Velouria" is good, as is "Is She Weird." Anything else? I honestly don't know.

JOHN COLTRANE: A LOVE SUPREME

Ha ha! Yup. And by yup I mean NOPE. In a shark-jumping moment of "I must force myself to like this in order to be a well-informed citizen of the world," I have probably spent a cumulative 2 hours of my life listening to these swirling, 7+ minute skronkaphone bleatings. A Love Supreme is possibly the most punishing musical experience I've ever subjected myself to, not only because it is "difficult jazz," but also because Coltrane's sax solos are headache inducing. Yes, Coltrane was a smackie and yes, he found God and recorded this, but no, that does not make it enjoyable to listen to.

And perhaps most upsetting of all, the sax playing is so atonal and insane that I can't even do my favorite all-time joke over it, which is to talk in a Don Pardo voice and say "featuring GE Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band! Musical guest! Sting! And your host, Sting!"

THE GO-BETWEENS: 16 LOVERS LANE

What the Christ is this. Is this band Australian or something? And this album is supposed to be the "indie Rumours," because there was all kinds of inter-band humping/breakups during the recording sesh? GTF outta here. Does this gaggle of clownbirds look like it belongs next to Fleetwood Mac in any capacity?

You wanna get the Rumours comparison, you gotta at least have an insane drummer.

BEST SONG: Dreams, by Fleetwood Mac, which is what I'm listening to, instead of this.

Art Alexakis, Noted Fool

2010-07-02T13:08:00.000-04:00

Useless CDs

2010-07-01T01:01:00.003-04:00

Farewell, my entire CD collection!

Am I a Christ-damned philistine for not being super into Ennio Morricone? I guess it's basically ignorance. This is one of those things like I should have a friend who's super into Morricone and makes me a mix CD of his best stuff. Also, this friend should be a cute Italian chick, and I should be conflating my affection for her with Morricone's compositions. Then Jay and Mark Duplass will write a go-nowhere mumblecore film about my story. Until this happens, I'll be glad to listen to Morricone Lite like this song or Henry Mancini. BTW? If you ever need to hear the ultimate Mancini jam, it's either "Experiments In Terror" or "Lujon." Those tidbits are offered freely into the internet, all you have to do in return is tell me 1 song I should listen to by Morricone (no corny Spaghetti Western nonsense!).

What up, Beatnuts sample! Also, remember the HD versions of CDs that existed for a little while? They had like gold discs, and "SuperDiscs" or some such nonsense, and albums like this, which were released with "MOST PERFECT SOUND technique (192 kHz/24 BIT)!" I'm pretty sure I bought this just to get the Beatnuts sample, and also because Ernest Ranglin had a ska/jazz CD called "Below The Bassline" that was really good.
BEST SONG: Love & Happiness

Hey, Lady Day. How did Namond from the Wire describe you? "Pretty but sad"? I think I purchased this to function specifically as make out music. It's nice but also a little intense. Like, when you're making out casually and a heroin addict from the 50s is singing in the most emotionally naked way about how these foolish things remind you of her. In general, music during romantic times is a little iffy. I used to make out to Portishead and DJ Shadow, which is no less intense in the case of the former, and significantly less timeless in the latter. Also, never have relations to dance music. As a rule in general, I think people should avoid doing repetitive tasks to dance music.

A girl I was seeing made me a mix, and she put the song "The Saturday Boy" on it, and that song is both amazing and inextricably linked to her in my mind now. It is weep-worthy, notable also for its inclusion of a completely emotionally-mismatched-but-somehow-fitting trumpet solo.

This comp is the reason I got really into funk. You gotta hand it to Rhino comps, they are remarkable at the repackaging game. Despite the ridiculous cover for this CD, which is one note shy of the SouthernPlayalistiCadillacMuzik CD, the linear notes are always informative, and are perfect for you if you are me and I am in High School. That's when you should be listening to this! That's actually when you should be listening to all music, for reasons of emotional purity. But also because Rhino is basically your cooler older brother. They know most of their shit, and are democratic about handing that information off to you.
BEST SONGS: "Express Yourself," "Groove Me," "I'll Take You There," "Me And Baby Brother."

green eggs and DAAAAAMN! pt 2

2010-06-30T10:42:00.002-04:00

Music: "Rill Rill" by Sleigh Bells

Part 2 to this.

With: Helene, Eric, Sumer

Useless CDs: All of Ninja Tune

2010-06-30T01:00:00.003-04:00

My CD collection is going the way of the MiniDisc, or for that matter, the LaserDisc (aka the giantest possible disc). Before I throw away these so-called Compact Discs, why don't we discuss the music on them?

Yet another Ninja Tune-era purchase. It occurs to me that some of you may not be familiar with Ninja Tune/Mo Wax, and that when I make fun of myself for being corny/into them at a certain point in my life no one knows what the hell I'm talking about. Here's a brief summary of the two labels:

NINJA TUNE
Sometime in the 90s, 2 pretentious but talented British DJs formed a group called Coldcut, and released an album called Let Us Play!, which while very dated to the breakbeat/dnb/"electronica" scene, had an amazing/iconic cut and paste jam called "More Beats + Pieces." WARNING: if you are about to hear this song and expect to get your mind blown, you must be 16-21 years old, think you're a genius because you "know about postmodernism" and be the kind of person that values cleverness above all else. Otherwise it will be just a bunch of dreck to you. Even the video, with its visual cutting/pasting, is a nerdy nerdfest of "ooh! look at what visuals they decided to sync up to the audio!" a good 10 years before Eclectic Method, who are, not uncoincidentally, also British.

Ninja Tune built its reputation trip-hop brick by acid jazz brick. The actual music of Ninja Tune is pretty irrelevant. I liked a bunch of the songs on their label but whatever, I also had a fucking eyebrow piercing at the time. But it is important to note that this music -- "UK Electronica," was like a 60s vision of Tomorrow Land: incredibly dated but seemingly futuristic. Also, coming from a comic book collecting background it felt especially important to be comprehensive in my miserly hoarding of this label's output. It didn't help things that this was like a cyclical, For Nerds By Nerds loop. Ninja Tune would put out a CD version, vinyl version, 10" single, 12" single, 7" single, all with different remixes, covers etc. How they funded this nonsense I will never know. Does England have like a national endowment for their country's arty geeks with pony tails, like Canada does?

MO WAX
Mo Wax was basically the same thing as Ninja Tune, exploiting the "trip hop" label for as much as it could, stone-facedly putting out comps with titles like "Blunted Ass Tripped Out Beatz From Da Blunted Kitchen." Unfortunately, Mo Wax was also founded by James Lavelle, who like Malcom McLaren before him, knew how to bend the prevailing youth tastes of the day to his ridiculous vision. Here was a guy with no taste whatsoever; who became best friends with DJ "Goatee" Shadow; who singlehandedly was responsible for fucking Bathing Ape/Nigo and all its hideous carbon copies. Why does trip-hop/acid jazz go so well with Japanese fetishizing?

(LOL, that link. Billionaire Boys Club? More like the Clown Club!)

Also, very funny: He DJ'd the first Fabric mix CD. LOL. I would wiki him to find out more bio info, but I fear I would only confirm what I already suspect: that this guy is basically Mark Ronson in that he is rich and privileged, and made a career out of continuing to be rich and priviliged. "But Woody, James Lavelle actually slaved in a chimney factory for 17 years, saving every tuppence until he got enough for his first record, which was a 7" of "Apache" by Michael Viner's--!" [stomach punch]

ANYWAYS
Now you understand why I bought all this shit. The Cinematic Orchestra was perhaps the apotheosis of the pretentious side of Ninja Tune, in that this CD is literally a rescoring they did to the 1929 Russian silent film "Man With A Movie Camera." Ridiculous, except for the fact that I bought that DVD at the Lab when it came out, and sold it a year later on eBay for like a hundred bucks!

So pretty much I ran out of space bc I was ranting at Ninja Tune the whole time. But now I've said my peace.

6 seconds for Diddy

2010-06-27T22:57:00.003-04:00

I'm going through my iTunes and killing some old mp3s that I never listen to. I combine my DJ computer's library with my home computer's library, which might explain why I have both the 10 minute and the 5 minute versions of "You Spin Me Round."

I came across this little anomaly which I thought was interesting:

The first version of "Hell Yeah" was from I don't remember where. The second version is from a Jay-Z remix CD we sold at the Lab for a little while. They're both the same song, but with one slight difference: the second version has Diddy doing a 6 second intro before the song.

This is ridiculous bc the song already has Jay-Z doing a 3 second intro "we together on this one! What are you going to call us now!" So, like, Jay-Z is already being proprietary before the Dead Prez song, and Diddy is being proprietary before him.

What Diddy actually says on this remix is, like all things Diddy ever says, completely irrelevant. "Shout out to the one they call Just Blaze" etc. But look at that screengrab! I now have 2 versions of the same song, one one of which is 6 seconds longer and .2 MB larger, which is totally unnecessary.

This of course is so purely and accurately representative of Diddy as a person and icon that it bears no further comment.

I guess if I were to remix this I would do a proprietary shout-out before Diddy. We could meme it up, people! Before long this song could be 1 hour long, just with various DJs hyping it up before the track itself, and of course Dead Prez would be the last poor schmoes at the end of the line, holding the bag.

ps- also I have Deadeye Dick "New Age Girl" in my iTunes

Useless CDs

2010-06-25T02:00:00.002-04:00

So long, my literally hundreds (if not thousands) of CDs! You had your time in my home in Scarsdale, then you had your time in college, then you had your time with me post-college. Now it's time for me to throw your shit out in exchange for maybe an iPad or something!

Yay Mylo! You are Daft Punk Lite, it is true. But MSTRKRFT is also Daft Punk Lite, and MSTRKRFT SCKS. Oh man does MSTRKRFT SCK. MSTRKRFT SCKS BG TM, M RGHT? Mylo's so simple and so perfectly made singles "Drop the Pressure" and "In My Arms" are sublime, but what about the faux Avalanches-ness of "Valley of the Dolls" or the Kraft/Kwan triple combo salad apparently music appropriateness of "Otto's Journey"? Also if you have never heard his remix of Freeform Five then that is also another good thing that exists.
BEST SONG: "In My Arms"

Yeah, Parliament. It's sort of impossible to write about Parliament, they're simply too big. Suffice it to say that, in terms of stage theatrics, they do the same things that Kiss or Daft Punk do, except they're black so it's even weirder that they're doing it. Like, if a bunch of nebishy Jews from Queens who love comic books want to dress up like fools then whatever. If a pair of art school French dudes want to be robots because they're aping Kraftwerk, and want to perform live from the middle of a laser show pyramid, sure.

But to be an insane, drug-addled black dude who firmly believes that he is from the Planet Funk to funkify your unfunky existence, and then to CONVINCE LIKE 15 OTHER PEOPLE that it would be a good idea for them to follow you around and build a career around your insanity, and then write songs about Dr Funkenstein (who is clearly Jewish) and SUCCEED?? Yep, I would say that is next level.
BEST SONG: "Flash Light"

I have literally never listened to this. But Brazil is so hot right now! I mean, "Brathil ith tho hot right now!"

I have spoken definitively on Otis Redding before, and so now I have nothing further to add, except for the fact that I bought this CD in Australia, when I wanted to get make-out music. Have you ever made out to Otis Redding? It's the best. It's funny how he gets characterized under "R&B," which is such a huge umbrella that it also encompasses R Kelly, because it is ridiculous to make out while listening to R Kelly.
BEST SONG: "Try A Little Tenderness"/"These Arms Of Mine"

Shoegazer? Because you're staring at your shoes? Because that's where the distortion pedals are? Get it, mom?

"OOhhhh..." -My mind when I learned the above information

After that somewhat anticlimactic revelation, I reclined in my chair and dutifully plugged in my headphones to allow the sonic bath of MBV to take me over.

This is way blasphemous but I (still) don't get it. It's not something like punk music, that I get, and still think is stupid. Nor is it like Pavement, which I didn't get and then discovered that I got.

This is sort of like why do people like swirling guitar feedback in some vague assemblage of song structure? Is this like a heroin/achieving nirvana thing? Is this a Fight Club embracing oblivion and releasing control over yourself thing? Because what I've figured out about my relationship to music over the last few years is that I value escapism above all else. And if you can give me a 2 and a half minute perfect pop song that is the most important thing while it's playing and then is suddenly abruptly meaningless when it's over, then I will be satisfied.

But this?

"EeerraawwwooooooggrraaaoouglaaghHHHHH" -This album, for 45 minutes

Imagine if albums were people. I would definitely hang out with Flood, and I would be in some unconscious way fascinated by Doolittle but be too young to fully understand what the hell he's talking about, but I would walk the fuck past Loveless without turning back.

"Come backkkkkdrreewOOAWWWWW!" -This album anthropomorphized, while busking for change

I'm listening to the album opener "Only Shallow" now. If I were a cool dude I suppose this is what I would've been listening to after getting into Nirvana, but instead I got into Letters To Cleo. My loss, I suppose? Again, it's hard to get into 90s music if you're not 18 and it's not currently the 90s. It seems the songwriting chops are here, but there's something about the overall production that is screaming 90s at me. Like, this chick singing? She is definitely wearing a giant cardigan and not facing me right now.

"I will give this another chance!" -Me, after reading the allmusic review of it.

"Ugh!" -Me, 10 minutes later

Extremely gay records that I own

2010-06-23T00:03:00.003-04:00

In case that picture above is not graphic enough for you, dear reader, perhaps you would like to feast your eyes on a closer look:

Yes, those are indeed tiny little skulls PINNED TO THE GUY'S HEAD. I'm not going to start getting into this album cover, there's an embarrassment of riches. But just take a second to gaze upon it (get it) with a pure heart and pure vision, and accept it for all that it is.

OK, so obviously this record cover is ridiculous. A quick summary of their Wiki page reveals thus:

Worked with Visage and Ultravox

Opened for Gary Numan

Opened for Duran Duran

Had Depeche Mode open for them (!)

STARRED IN RETURN OF THE CHRIST-DAMNED JEDI

Also, enjoy this beautiful, Brian Eno-esque song I ripped off the B-side!

Tik & Tok ~ The Garden

What is happening I literally still do not care

2010-06-22T18:42:00.002-04:00

AAAGGHHH GHAHHAH AAAHHRRGHH!!!

GHHAAHAHA!!

also, rrGHGHARHARHAHAHAAAAGGGHHH!!!!!!

Also, don't disturb me, I'm playing the MOTHERFUCKING MIND CRIME GAME (which is quite stressful)

Useless CDs

2010-06-22T00:01:00.001-04:00

I have so many CDs that I have literally never listened to. Before I throw them into a giant roaring fire, why don't we talk about them?

Pavement. How monumental and difficult are you for a high schooler not so well-versed in indie rock to get into? All I know is that, at the time it was most important (10th grade), arty people with impeccable taste loved Pavement (AKA R.E.M. generation 2), so of course I was determined to like it, or at the very least, understand it. You must appreciate that I was not in a band, did not have alternative friends, didn't skate, didn't drink or do drugs. An afternoon well-spent for me meant drawing at my desk after school, watching cartoons, and listening to Z-100 (Chio the Freakin' Puerto Rican in the house!).

So it was with great trepidation that I dipped my toe into the oblique, murky, un-self-explanatory water that is Pavement's noise-rock. It seemed like if I didn't like it, I didn't like Art. This sounds monumentally dumb to write now, but in 10th grade all you have is your taste in music and stupid T-Shirts.

Eventually I did come to like Pavement (the entry points were "Summer Babe," and "Here," and "Texas Never Whispers," which were all appetizers to build up to the extremely challenging/satisfying Wowee Zowee. In fact, this strategy of overcoming small hills before you take on Mt Everest was replicated unconsciously years later when I read Wild Sheep Chase and Norwegian Wood before attempting Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. We Chinese are timid and cautionary!).

As it relates to this particular album, I never actually listened to it.
BEST SONG: No idea

BEST SONG: Vincent Price's original voice-over session for "Thriller"

In my very limited jazz-consumption phase, I quickly learned that the way one consumes jazz is by following players. The main thing I took away from Kind Of Blue was that I really liked the piano solo from "Freddie Freeloader," which was played by Wynton Kelly. So after a little internet research I found out that he also played with Miles Davis on this album, prompting me to purchase it. Fascinating.

The times this does NOT work are when the artists make a hard left turn at some point. Like, don't listen to Miles Davis' hip-hop album produced by Easy Mo Bee, or to the 15 minute version of "My Favorite Things" by Coltrane unless you want to get a headache. ("more like LEAST favorite etc!")
BEST SONG: The first one, I guess?

I hope that I have already proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Phil Collins is amazing. So let's just accept it as fact and move on. Good? Good.
BEST SONG: How could I pick a favorite? That's like picking a favorite child? I love you all equally ("In The Air Tonight").

Before I realized that a record's gayness is directly proportional to how awesome it is, I stayed away from songs that were "too gay." Now I recant that nonsense because gay songs are often uplifting, powerful, emotionally resonant, etc.

Then again, sometimes they are absolutely none of those adjectives:

IRREGARDLESS it's hard to overstate the goodness of Pet Shop Boys. So many good singles, so many EPIC 12" mixes in their arsenal. So much sadness amongst so much synth lines.
BEST SONG: West End Girls duh

Useless CDs

2010-06-21T11:22:00.002-04:00

More completely useless CDs. Hey grandpa! You use compact disc technology? Why don't you eat more pills from a colorful wheel? Also, I'm getting rid of these CDs and have the compulsive need to excoriate my past purchases.

Yes I have made my point re: Jon Brion/Fiona Apple before. She is good but with him she is very good. He is OK as a singer/songwriter/composer ("Strange Bath" from This American Life in the house!) but is better buttressing Fiona Apple as a producer. It's the classic Buckingham/Nicks duality. They are the ying/yang, and I should know, because I'm Chinese. This album is the official one that Mike Elizondo (???) produced most of, which you should not listen to. Rather, download the original Jon Brion one.
BEST SONG: The ridiculous, Disney-esque "Extraordinary Machine"

I have no idea why I have this. It's because the Fall are "important" and because James Murphy name-checks them because he's basically always doing a Mark E Smith impression. And also I was on allmusic thinking "if I'm going to try to get into the Fall I should start with a universally-agreed upon good abum" (actual literal thoughts) and ended up with this one bc of all the gushing praise.

If anyone out there likes the Fall, I place you in the same category as if you like R.E.M. Both are bands that you like bc you are a certain age and personality type (college, obscure, intellectual) and need to find music that agrees with those tenets of yourself, and there is LITERALLY NO OTHER OPTION AROUND. The Fall are terrible. Their songs are noisy, go-nowhere sprawling messes. There is a reason I only have 1 Fall song in my iTunes, and it's definitely not from this album.
BEST SONG: One of the songs on the bonus disc, taken from the Peel session? Because John Peel is beyond reproach?

I bought this to feed the Serato beast. But beyond that, this comp is pretty great. The tracklisting is unimpeachable: H-Town, R Kelly, Clarence Carter? Imagine getting a strip dance to "Strokin"? Or, imagine NOT getting a strip dance to "Strokin".
BEST SONG: H-Town "Knockin Da Boots"

I must have gotten this one for free. File with Fela Kuti under Boy, I Sure Need To Expand My Horizons, And One Way For Me To Do That Is To Listen To Some [World/Classy/Incompatible With Me] Music.
BEST SONG: uh, Nina Simone? Billie Holiday? I dunno.

Hey, I bought this in Australia! I am worldly. I got this during my "Mo Wax = the end of musical evolution" phase. So much Japanese fetishizing, so many Nigo covers. And also that means basically anything Josh "Goatee" Davis put his Bay Area smooth (but vinyl-dirty!) fingers on was instantly a collector's item. Also this coincided nicely with my "I Love Funk" phase, in which I was basically a walking talking stereotype of a Wax Poetics reader.

"Listen to that drum break, kiiiiiiid!" -Myself

Plus DJ Shadow teams up with Keb Darge, who is I presume British, and thus waaaayyy more into funk 45s (see: Northern Soul), so this is like dick measuring contest, but with obscure funk 45s. In my mind it looks like this:

wtf

2010-06-20T12:18:00.000-04:00

I saw these T-shirts for sale in a corny clothing store and wondered to myself if there would ever be a time, anywhere, that anyone would want to buy and wear either of them.

Like this first one? I'm pretty sure Bob Guccione Jr would not be caught dead in it.

Green Day wouldn't wear it, nor would Phish, Rory Nugent, Craig Marks, or anyone else featured on it. Who is the intended audience for this? Is it people for whom 1995 was the end all be all of pop culture, specifically filtered through the lens of Spin Magazine? Shut up, Spin. Was this a breakthrough issue for you because you finally got that Shannon Doherty interview? Like, WTF??

Also, the less said about this one the better:

Extremely gay records that I own

2010-06-19T18:50:00.002-04:00

RuPaul Supermodel!

Boy George Crying Game!

STFU: Terry Richardson

2010-06-19T12:27:00.000-04:00

Also, while we're at it, this:

I'm done collecting records

2010-06-19T01:14:00.003-04:00

I thought I was done before, but now I'm done for realsies.

Useless CDs

2010-06-18T01:23:00.005-04:00

I have so many CDs! Let's throw them away.
Gina X rules x1000. Her track "No G.D.M." is the last word on unblinking, Germanic icy detachment. Miss Kittin basically stole her whole shtick from Gina X, who is one side to whatever insane coin has Nina Hagen on the other side. She had a bunch of albums, one of which I bought at Other Music. And... it is not so great. Gina X singing instead of making monotone pronouncements from her snow mountain demystifies her whole thing. Ah well, there's always "Nice Mover."
BEST SONG: "Hynosis/Hypnose"

BTW don't let this lousy CD sour you on Gina X. I haven't heard the first album, and she also covered Serge/Brigitte's "Harley Davidson" at one point:

I don't know to what extent Tim Sweeney picked the music for this version of GTA, but I do know that before they had celebrity guestlists on these soundtracks, the music on these comps were pretty much unimpeachable, and also were mastered VERY loudly, which is important if you're a DJ.

Actually what am I talking about, the Iggy Pop radio playlist for GTA IV is amazing. Also remember how Amon Tobin started doing music for video games based on Tom Clancy novels? WTF? My points are:

1. making music for video games can be extremely lucrative, and
2. licensing music for video games can be extremely expensive, and it's a testament to the money-making power of GTA that they were able to license basically whatever song they wanted.

BEST SONG: Eddie Money "Two Tickets To Paradise"

OK, before I write even a single word about this album, how about the fact that the CD looks like this:

"African colors. Subtle." -Clarence Royce

So aside from the fact that the CD image is essentially what a 14 year old high school kid would draw on his notebook, let's talk OutKast. I never actually listened to this album that much, because it seemed to me like they were not exactly super interesting yet. Like they were still deciding if they should drop more acid and TRULY BECOME OUTKAST and were sort of not fully realized yet. Am I wrong? Were they or were they not just a little too into P-Funk still?

"Player's Ball" and "Southernplalistic..." are ridiculous and good. "Hootie Hoo" gets love just because my thug roommates in college would call me that, and "Ain't No Thang" is great because it rhymes "No Thang" with "chicken wing." OK so now I'm just like "what are you talking about myself, obviously this album rules." And I concede! It DOES rule. I think?
BEST SONG: Git Up, Git Out

Dude, what about when you first get into funk music and you're like "whoa hip-hop stole very uncreatively from you!" The first time I heard Leon Haywood I was like "Dr Dre, more like Dr Lay... Zee! Natch! (violent self high-five)"

It's the same thing with hearing the "Jimi Hendrix of the sampler," DJ Shadow. When I first heard that David Axelrod song that he sampled I was like "OK wait a minute, JUST ONE MINUTE HERE, Josh ["Goatee'd" Davis]!"

If you've never heard these funk songs until after the hip-hop songs that sampled them, it's a revelation. It makes you think being a hip-hop producer is easy as shit and that P Diddy has the right idea. Anyways, this comp is mostly Dr Dre samples, and some of it is really obvious but all of it is good.
BEST SONG: William Devaughn "Be Thankful For What You've Got"

I admit I was no prize-winning genius in college. Mistakes were made and my daily life was basically a riot of foolish decisions, both personal and creative. On the musical front though I will stand by any of the dumb shit I listened to. Did I listen to OK Computer while stoned and think it was "my generation's Dark Side"? Probably. Did I dance like a goddamn hippie to Jamiroquai? Almost certainly. Did I listen to G Love & Special Sauce (1997's Yeah, It's Like That in the house! With "I-76" featuring a cameo by Rhazel on vocal scratches? Can anyone out there confirm this?). Absolutely.

OK Computer is a good album, whatever. It is pretentious and dumb and over-reaches at points, but it has songwriting chops and moments of sublime beauty. So you can understand my disappointment when I bought this self-blowjobbing follow-up of what is essentially endless nonsense. Like, WTF is this? It is not an album. It is an hour of whining, first by Thomme Yourkeee and then by guitar feedback squelches and then just by robot clicking sounds. It has 2 good songs: "Everything In Its Right Place," because the whining is not annoying yet because it is the first song on the album, and "Idioteque," which must always be mentioned so as to highlight Gaydiohead's "range." More like take this CD to the SHOOTING range, am I right?

I have distinct memories of my first year in NY, listening to this on my Discman, thinking "this is bad music but everyone likes it, so I must as well." Gah! Spin Magazine, go brainwash me why don't you! It's like that "ever get the feeling you've been cheated" thing, because every subsequent Radiohead album only built on this foundation of For Music Critics By Idiots formula, and the hype only got bigger the less melodic Radiohead's music was!

Argh! Radiohead! So much no that I yell in your direction! Nope!

"I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!" -Jacobim Mugatu

"You tried to be decent, in an indecent time!" -Two Face

File Under:
I Hate This. Why Does Everyone Else Like This? Is There Something Wrong With Me, Or Am I The Only Sane Man Left In An Insane World?, along with Girltalk, Arace Fire, Lost.

Donald Glover

2010-06-17T11:03:00.003-04:00

Whoa! Apparently not only is Donald Glover on Community and an ex-writer for 30 Rock, he also has a hipster-rapper indie career? Which is not annoying? Am I reaching here? Whatever, I like this.

Donald Glover is Childish Gambino

*via rcrdlbl

Useless CDs

2010-06-16T23:00:00.001-04:00

I'm going to sell all the CDs I never listened to! What are they, you ask?

Ghostly is a pretty good label, and Michna's signed to them, but I never listened to this CD comp at all.

"Just be that way sometimes, I guess." -The guy from the first scene in the Wire

However, things turn around weirdly, because when I went to Amoeba in LA, the Freddy Krueger-sweater-wearing West Coast hipster nerds were playing a bunch of CDs, and they were so good I bought them. One was ELO's Out of the Blue (amazing), and the other was this CD, because of the track "Bernard's Song" by Outputmessage.

What is up with Rod Stewart. File under: I Tried, Lord Knows How I Did Try To Get Into This. Rod Stewart is a tart. This is true. But also you get to that place where you're like "weren't the Small Faces an important band? Isn't Maggie May a must-liker?" Sure... I guess. I mean, "Ooh La La" is awesome, but I like it because it is nostalgia in music form, and also because of Wes Andersen ("Sad but true!" -Metallica). So to sidestep that whole important-to-know-about thing, let me just say that sometimes it's easy, tempting, and time-saving to figure out whether or not you will like artists just by looking how they turned out. In the case of Rod Stewart, it is this:

YUP! Not going to spend the time. Get over into that area over there, next to Elton John. Ironically, my favorite 3 Rod Stewart songs are latter day ones: "Forever Young," "Some Guys Have All The Luck," and "Young Turks." None of which are on this comp, BTW!

Kevin from the Lab once asserted that I would like two brit-pop bands on sheer principle. One was the Stone Roses (nope), and the other was Primal Scream. Stone Roses I should give another chance, because "I Wanna Be Adored" is no question an amazing song. Primal Scream on the other hand always ventured one step too many into the big-beat territory. It was like Stereo MC's or something? Whatever, I never gave it a chance is the point. And bands like this that are WAY dated are hard to get into after the fact. It's not like missing out on the first Violent Femmes album because that is timeless and can be appreciated by any adolescent teenager who wants to get laid.

Nope, anything that is all bright and shiny and WAY 90s'd out sort of cannot be embraced after its time. For example the first, biggest, most Primal Screamiest track, "Movin' On Up." What is this, exactly. It's like a fake "Sympathy For The Devil," plus gospel choir, plus fake Happy Mondays drugged-out non-singing, plus "Praise You" rip-ff ("NO Woody, this isn't like Praise you! Praise You is LIKE THIS!" -a fool). Mmmm unless I'm getting a ride home from track practice in a cooler older guy's car who has a British GF and I'm 15 or something this isn't blowing my skirt up.
BEST SONG: None

This is a comp of early house, mostly on a mellow/vocal side. Joey Negro typically is pretty immaculate in his taste. And there's tons of good stuff on here, but it's just too... soulful? Too black? I don't know. I'm a racist, I guess. I like my house either super over-the-top fist-pumping, or mega 80s warehouse in Chicago Trax-y. Late night tracks like "Luv Dancin" are pretty untouchable, but usually I like my house assy, not classy.

Nope! Sorry Soul Jazz, at this point you've squandered the considerable goodwill I've accorded you for being the label that told me about ESG. It matters to me NOT A WHIT that you found an early NY no wave skronk-jam featuring Jim Jarmusch on vocals. Try as you might to tempt me with yet another Glenn Branca song, I ain't chompin! Nope, still not buying it (although in another, more literal sense, I clearly bought it).
BEST SONG: Clandestine "Radio Rhythm (Dub)"

In conclusion, this:

Butt

2010-06-13T20:04:00.001-04:00

*Via Helene

5 Songs

2010-06-09T18:56:00.012-04:00

I just put up a new comic on my comics site.

I figured I may as well link all the songs here, because this is a blog about music, and doing that would make sense.

Is this.

Is this.

Now I know I've written about kiddie touchers in the past on this blog, but Gary Glitter really does deserve special treatment. Not only because he was a kiddie toucher while also being a glam artist, which is basically screaming out "definitely do NOT trust me with your children," but also because the lyrics to "Hello" seem like a challenge to adults to arrest him.

To wit:

Hello, Hello! It's good to be back [from prison, where I was sent, for child-molesting].

Did you miss me [under-age child], "Yeah!" while I was away [in prison, for touching you],
did you hang my picture on your wall [because in my mind, you enjoy me touching you in your privates]?

Did you kiss me [in the picture, to convey your sense of loss at not being molested], "Yeah!" every single day,
although you couldn't kiss me at all [because, again, I'm in jail for being a pedophile]?

And did you love me, "Yeah!" like a good little girl [who is literally 11],
Did you tell that naughty boy [who is in your peer group] not to call?

Did you love me, "Yeah!" in your own little world [because of your lack of experience, because you are a child],
Although you couldn't see me at all [because I was incarcerated for being a sexual deviant]?

It goes on like this but you get the idea.

Useless CDs

2010-06-06T23:17:00.007-04:00

I have so many CDs and am getting rid of them! These are they:

That's right! RJD2, remember when you were being built up as the new DJ Shadow? Now of course that is the most ridiculous sentence anyone could ever say. But at the time, shit was SO REAL and I myself got caught up in the hype that Def Jux was going to be the new Mo Wax. What does that sentence even mean? That El-P is the new James Lavelle, who himself was already the new Malcom McLaren? Yikes.

Either way, RJD2 is/was adept at making sample-based, emotional and cinematic tracks that were more than the sum of their parts. The first track "The Horror" for example is basically Justice's "Genesis" a few years earlier. Both tracks are heady, over-the-top and aggressive album openers that seem to announce "we are WORTH the hype!" Aside from that, there are exactly zero other things in common between RJD2 and Justice.
BEST SONG: Ghostwriter

I TRIED! Oh lord how I did try to get into Roxy Music. They have many great singles. Their albums on the other hand are kind of impenetrable and weird and not at all the fun kind of glam. Bryan Ferry's voice is so tremulous like it's a not fully realized David Lynch movie or something. I bought Country Life and used to play at the Lab store all the time in an attempt to brainwash myself into liking it, and all that happened was a drug-addled homeless man came into the store and danced like he was at Burning Man.

Roxy Music has so much going for it. Ladytron is named after one of their songs! But then again, is Ladytron actuallly a good band? Are they really? No they are not. Also, Brian Eno was totally in them! And then Bryan Ferry later recorded with Johnny Marr! Brian Eno is pretty unassailable in the coolness dept (no joke, this track from Apollo Atmospheres pretty much makes me weep from beauty assimilation). But Johnny Marr? Mmmm last I checked your solo CD was not exactly revitalizing the British economy. So I am conflicted. Roxy Music has a strong track record with singles. The extended version of "Dance Away" is perfect, but unfortunately not on this comp.

I believe I've made my stance on Electronic clear elsewhere on this blog.

Basically it's: You are supposed to be amazing because of math (Johnny Marr + Bernard Sumner + Neil Tennant). Unfortunately, you are terrible.

Get outta here Royksopp! You guys had your chance at wearing the crown for Quirkiest European Dance-Pop Producers and you blew it!

You blew it.

"Eple" is, no duh, your best achievement. I say this because anyone who's ever had the misfortune to listen to your other single "Poor Leno" must realize that all the good things about "Eple" are conspicuously absent in everything else that you have done.

But what is more insulting is when artists for their follow-up single are like "Only Built For Cuban Linx PART TWO!" because Royksopp's latter day single "Happy Up Here,"despite having an amazing video, might as well be called "Eple PART TWO (but with a Nice & Smooth sample)!!! aka We're Back!!!" And now, properly vented, I will never write another word about Royksopp.

This album is, in fact, amazing. I think my first ever conscious thought about hip-hop was "how does the rapper remember all those words?" This was like in 7th grade or something. My friend Dave, who is the WASPiest Jew in the world, turned me on to Public Enemy, and I also remember feeling a little subversive thrill in T2 when Eddie Furlong is wearing a PE shirt. I was like "I could totally hang out with John Connor (actual literal thoughts)!"

To this day, Enemy Strikes Black is still my favorite PE album. Yes there are earlier ones with better, rawer songs, but this was the first one I ever got into, and tracks like "Shut Em Down," "Lost At Birth" and especially "Can't Truss It" blew my mind apart with the production style. Not only that, but look at this! What kind of Chinese kid at 13 would even begin to be able to understand what the fuck this is:

Right? I mean, I STILL have no idea what any of those things mean. That is the power of self-mythology.

Useless CDs

2010-06-04T00:02:00.010-04:00

I'm throwing away all my CDs! Or, more accurately, I'm giving them to some German guy in LIC in quantities of hundreds in exchange for an iPad or new iPhone. In the meantime, let's stroll mercilessly down self-lacerating memory lane, shall we?

I'm conducting a poll. Is PJ Harvey actually good? Or is she basically punk poetess Patti Smith, but produced by Stephen Albonzo? I mean, look at that cascade of Jewess hair! Does that hair have important insights into the dialectical nature of labor and gender? And what about those two caterpillars trying to kiss in the center of her head? What do they have to say about the film Tootsie? So many questions, so many dryly produced drum sounds.

The only PJ Harvey song I like is "Down By The Water," which is not on here. So why did I buy it? Probably because I read the allmusic review of it and was like "I'M into unsettling emotional honesty in my music!"
BEST SONG: No idea whatsoever "Man-Size"? I think I have that on 12 somewhere.

Positive K's full length is a totally good hip-hop album. As we know there is a shameful dearth about +K available online, so here's my only piece of trivia that I know about him: He does both the boy and the girl parts in "I Got A Man." So, yeah.
BEST SONGS: Carhoppers, Nightshift, Got A Man

Haha! This was my "make out" CD for about 3 months.

"This is the most appropriate music to make out to." -My brain

Ah well. Anyone else remember when Tru Thoughts was threatening to become the new Ninja Tune? I was always ready for the transition, and then I realized that this was basically St. Germain and that the only place it should be playing is at the W hotel lobby, while you complain that you can't get WiFi in your room.
BEST SONG: Snakes In The Grass

Is this the worst Morrissey album? Is there even one song on here I can name? The answers are: probably, and no. Bonus fact! The linear notes features the following quote:

"On this glorious occasion, of the splendid defeat." -Anthony Newley

I bet that made sense to Moz in 1997, but it means nothing to no one now!

This is basically the greatest music in the world if you're in the right mood for it. It's the dumbest, happiest, most urgent there is, and if you never saw "End Of The Century" you totally should.
BEST SONG: Judy Is A Punk

My buddy JP put this out as a sampler to his blog Music For Robots (they were the first to blog about Vampire Weekend! Booya!) and to be honest I only listened to it once or twice. They also have another volume to this series, which I listened to a lot more.
BEST SONG: Ave D "Just Keep Dancing"

Hahaha! Or, as I would write in Spanish, Ja! Ja! Ja! Ja! No fooling I used to like Rancid a lot. It's funny because at the time I thought this album was way "too punk" and only liked a few songs off it bc I was way more into the pop-punk of Let's Go and Out Come The Wolves. After Op Ivy went kaput and Jesse whatever-his-last-name-is became a hare krishna and was replaced by walking punk stereotype Lars Frederiksen, Rancid was basically Op Ivy but way dirtier. And I was not so much into this album.
BEST SONG: Hyena

Man, I was still buying CDs in 2006? Jesus Christ. Way to stay ahead of the technological curve, myself. Ratatat is basically a one-trick pony but that trick can sometimes still surprise. The only problem is that trying to listen to a full album of the same trick over and over again is akin to getting drunk off Zima/Hooch/Smirnoff Ice.
BEST SONG: Wildcat

Yup. I was trying to get into bop at one point. I don't think think I ever understood this. Jazz from the 60s was at least pleasant to listen to in repose. This on the other hand is all music that should accompany B-Roll of New York City as it's being built.
BEST SONG: Move, because that is the first song and the one I heard the most. The second best is Jeru, because it is the second song.

This album is totally good. "Be My Girl - Sally" is the weirdest song ever and Sting was still 15 years shy of being the worst.
BEST SONG: So Lonely

Oh man, this album. I was late on RHCP, which is for the best bc it allowed me not to be a complete dolt. No offense to this band's actual musicality/originality, but Anthony Kedis is a giant moron, and Flea isn't exactly coming in first place at the regional Science competition either. I remember this being one of the first albums I looked at and was like "Jesus how much music is on this CD anyways?" a la The Chronic.

It's funny bc RHCP sort of hit all the sweet spots. For a band of half-naked monkey-bodied white boys, they got to be produced by George Clinton AND Rick Rubin, covered Sly & The Family Stone, and dedicated their album to Mike Watt. Not that the Minutemen were the greatest band in the world (sorry RHCP, Michael T Fournier and Jack-Ass*), but this kind of excessive pop culture fluidity and confidence is eerily suggestive of the Beastie Boys.
BEST SONG: Under The Bridge

*Yes, the Minutemen song is "appropriate" as the Jack-Ass theme, but I find it funny that it's # of hits on YT are 1/4 less than the Party Boy theme song.

This is still the best!

Useless CDs

2010-06-03T00:04:00.011-04:00

I'm getting rid of my CDs! Let's talk about it!

STFU, Kiss. Forget what my friends and rock critics say, you are a terrible band. Gene Simmons is a narcissistic, mind-games-playing shithead, Paul Stanley is a strutting transvestite who screeches nonsense at lowest common denominator mouth-breathers, Peter Criss is the Garfield who wrote "Beth" with Bob "I'm personally responsible for all the bad parts of The Wall" Ezrin, and Ace Frehley... well I don't really know anything bad about him. I doubt Ace is his real name though.

Among the people who like Kiss: Weezer, Chuck Klosterman, Archie Bevins, and um Nirvana. Like, gah! People with taste who like terrible things, go over there with fans of Lost! The argument for this band of chowderheads is always that they were so shocking because they dressed up like fools. You know who else dresses up like fools? Clowns. Would I go to a concert to listen to clown music? Or Gwar? People also argue that Kiss's music is "good." Unfortunately, it is not good. It is typical glammy 70s over-produced, too many guitars having build-ups to a shitty chorus cock rock.
BEST SONG: New York Groove, which isn't even on this hits double album! Christ!

Frank Sinatra is the best. The end.

Frank Zappa, not so much the best.

My friend Craig loves you.

I tried, I mean I REALLY tried in high school, when I didn't know anything about music to like you. Peaches En Regalia is a wonderful song. The other 5 songs on Hot Rats? Not wonderful songs. Not to say that Zappa doesn't have his moments, I really actually do like the One Size Fits All album, I just don't really like the 794 other albums he has, nor am I particularly found of his hideous brood: Moon Unit, Dweezil, Twig, Piper, Track, Willow, etc

What up, 2004! I see you! I read this thing once about FF where they basically were like "yeah, our bassist doesn't actually know how to play bass. He's a fey art/design student. We chose him because he looks real good" and I was like "huh!" Makes sense since FF were basically a flash-in-the-pan band, despite the fact that this album with its at-one-point ubiquitous single had several good jams on it.

The best thing that came out from these dudes after this album was, regrettably, the remix Justice did of "The Fallen." Oh yeah, the best mix (corniest mix) I ever did in my life was with "Take Me Out" -- it's the part in the song where the instruments drop out after the lead singer goes "I want you.... to" and then I dropped in "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" and Morrissey comes in and goes "take me out, toniiighhht." YESSSS I am carrying on the proud tradition of pointless vocal transitions! It's lonely at the top! Even though you player hate, we still etc
BEST SONG: Michael

Yup. File under "Can" and "Ennio Morricone" because this is another band I "should" know about but actually only know that Justice sampled them. Ugh! I am the worst!

Back when I had my shit together and actually knew about new music, I saw this band play at SXSW, and they were amazing. The big seller for me, and still the only song I know by them, is the 10 minuter on this album "Baro Foro." This live clip pretty much sums it up.

Here we have a compilation that is literally titled GRLZ: Women Ahead Of Their Time. You hear that, icky penis-having boys? Grrrrrrls rock! Put down that frying pan! Burn that bra! Women's suffrage, and also womyn! This collection of vagina punk reveals the following information:

Delta 5 were a female Gang Of Four
Skronky NY noise Ze bands with saxophones and bouncy basslines are always annoying no matter how well-packaged or from England the comp is
The Slits cover of "Grapevine" will always be the best song on any comp
Morrissey obviously was drunk on wine when he endorsed Ludus
Rip Rig And Panic. Ugh.

Jazz! I like Grant Green. He seems so young and fresh-faced. I wonder if he ever got addicted to heroin. Oh wait, he was a jazz musician? Got it. Total smack-head. There was a brief period where I really was into Grant Green because he did the "Vibes & Stuff" sample, but my whole deal with jazz is that I always felt like a phoney bc I wasn't a jazz musician and thus "couldn't appreciate it." I still basically feel this way, but the big tentpole jazz albums still have a soothing effect on me, like Kind of Blue or whatever, but definitely not Love Supreme. That is honking goose jazz.
BEST SONG: Love Walked In

This Heart comp has exactly 4 songs you should know.

"Barracuda," which you have not experienced till you see Michael T singing/karaoking to it on his birthday at Bar 13 and you just got to NY a month ago and WHAT IS GOING ON
"Crazy On You" because, obviously, of this
"Magic Man" because of the part 2 of the song where the minimoog comes in
"Straight On" because it is the best Heart song.

NEEEEERDS!

2010-06-02T23:32:00.003-04:00

I just started listening to this new podcast called "Stuff From The B-Side" that is put out by How Stuff Works. In the same way that the 2 hosts from How Stuff Works are giant Alpha Nerds, so too are the 2 dudes in this one. Thanks to these Magnum Geeks, I know now who the Harry Partch referenced in the WFMU call is.

Much music nerding out here, which if you're into (I am) you can listen to, including podcasts about pre-Kraftwerk Krafwerk, music used as torture, and whether or not Coldplay plagiarized Joe Satriani.

Stuff From The B-Side Podcast!

If you actually look at the player you'll realize it's some new high-falutin' Web 3.0 player which is actually terrible. For one thing, in the "share" bar there's literally 7 pages of link to codes, and not a single one of them allows you to embed the player in a blog post. Also, the only way to see all the episodes is to click "podcasts" in the upper left corner of the player. Thanks, design.

*Via Nick

iPodmeister.com, Part 1

2010-06-01T23:01:00.009-04:00

The end of an era? The inevitable fact of CDs going the way of the Minidisc is now completely unignorable. It was always unignorable I guess but for a long time I didn't think so because I would still rationalize purchasing them, thinking I would make various edits of songs I liked and that would require me to have them all on CD.

Well, I ended up not making any of those edits, and instead I have a bunch of CDs that are taking up room in my apartment.

Going to flea markets now I see more DVDs than ever lying amidst the ruin of Iron Man comics and Star Wars ephemera. It's not all gold like the Ursuala mug, dear reader!

No, sometimes it's DVDs of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets too (full screen version). So in an attempt to finally exorcise some meaningless nostalgia in CD form, I'm going to conduct a bold social experiment on this blog. I'm going to take about 80% of my CDs and submit them to iPodmeister.com, a site that trades CDs for various Apple products. Here's a handy table that explains everything:

The digitizing column is if you want them to take all the music off the CDs you send them and put them on a DVD for you in mp3 format.

BTW if you actually do the math, that breaks down to roughly 60 cents a CD.

I've always had my doubts about this. First of all, WTF. Why would anyone want a bunch of Color Me Badd CDs, let alone hundreds of them. So after a little research it becomes clear that iPodmeister has a bunch of rules, eg- no CD singles, none of your band's shitty promo CD, no scratches on the CD, no giant Case Logic binders with 100 CDs in them, etc. This is because there is apparently a market for my Fatboy Slim CDs, a market overseas where people don't have mp3 players yet and are still using Discmen while rollerblading to the movie theater where Speed 2 is playing. If this is true it actually highlights the urgency with which I should hop on the iPodmeister bandwagon, because it's only a matter of time when the rest of the world starts mp3 player-ing it up, and by then the CD will finally and truly be an ancient artifact.

In any event, who cares! If I can get rid of my CDs I listened to probably once in my life in exchange for a precious precious iPad, why not?

Also I would like to point out that if I did, in fact get an iPad, it would be the most ridiculous thing in the world, since I literally already own an iPod, an iPhone, a MacBook and an iMac. I mean, shut up myself. But oh mannnn an iPad!

So step 1, the biggest step of all, is aggregating my shitty CDs and going through them and deciding what stays and what goes. I figured why not blog about this, since 1. I personally don't know anyone who's ever gone in for one of these potentially shady exchanges ("iPodmeister"? Really?), and 2. if I'm going to violently exorcise the past I might as well get some blog LOLs out of it.

Here, unedited, are CDs I have paid money for at one point in my life.

Vintage Pop
This comp rules! It's all bubblegum pop and includes the Jaggerz, the Sweet , 1910 Fruitgum Co, etc etc. Aso, It kind of makes me pre-emptively miss the wealth of available information from linear notes that you don't get with mp3s. Like, "Seasons In The Sun" was written by Jacques Brel AND Rod McKuen? Christ can you imagine what that was like.
BEST SONG: "Saturday Night" Bay City Rollers

3 albums by Ani Difranco
I admit I really liked Ani Difranco for a little while, because I am apparently a lesbian. But after awhile I realized that I am in fact a heterosexual male and stopped listening to it. Also because her albums got kind of bad.
BEST SONGS: Buildings And Bridges, Come Away From It, and I have no idea because I never listened to Revelling/Reckoning

DFA Remixes Chapter 1
I bought this just to get the DFA mix of Metro Area's "Orange Alert." Also to get their mix of "Deceptacon" at CD quality son! (hereafter referred to as CQS, which is very much a legitimate argument I have internally used against myself to justify the purchase of a CD, ie "I have the Hot Chip remix already, and I already have the Le Tigre one too. But that's on vinyl. This is CQS!!! [buys CD]).

DJ Krush s/t
Yep I bought a LOT of Krush records. He had his moments for sure but for every one of those moments he had many shitty jazz crossovers with some Japanese MC chicken-clucking his way through Krush's "atmospheric" beat. Do you like Acid Jazz? I certainly did. Or at least, I thought I did.
BEST SONG: On the Dub-ble

Lio Premier Album
I have no idea why I bought this. I know where I bought it though! Other Music. This is definitely one of those standing around killing half an hour, go to Other Music and get all "based on the packaging I would LIKE THIS! It's on Ze records!" and buying it. It's synth/disco/Kid Creole/calliope circus music, very weird, and has a whiny voiced hot French chick singing over it. So it has its moments, but on the whole, not worth the (I'm guessing) $19 I spent on it.

Liliput 2xCD
Another Other Music purchase! Damn you, Scott and Duane! JK, for every one of these CDs I didn't like there was at least... one that I liked? Joking. I probably would really like this if I gave it a shot. I just never did. I mean, I like Le Tigre and the Gossip for Goddess's sake. Riot Grrrrrrrl! I'm actually listening to this for the first time now. It's not half bad ("it's all bad!"). I like Elastica and Chicks on Speed and they basically are ripping off Liliput. The only difference is that this chick's voice sounds like... Jello Biafra sometimes. Gah! OK, listening to it now is making me think I should "give it another shot." Aaaand, I shoot myself in the foot.

Amon Tobin Permutations
This CD has a few scratches on it. At this point I am worried about just how draconian the iPodmeister is. Their site basically says "hey friendo! We'll pay for YOU to ship the CDs to US! Ain't that grand of us! Also btw if your CDs have scratches on them we do not pay for them to come back to you." At first I figured they'd be relatively reasonable but now I'm not so sure. Anyways this CD was part of my Ninja Tune days, and though I never really liked "cinematic d&b" (something I just made up for Amon Tobin) I always did like 2 songs on here that were more melodic than drum-programmy.
BEST SONG: Nightlife

Stay tuned for more navel-gazing, and also to see what my experience with this so-called iPodmeister is. Some basic Q&A with the founder online here, replete with insane intro music, that actually puts some of my fears to rest.

How To Wreck A Nice Beach

2010-05-30T13:22:00.002-04:00

Long-time lab friend Dave Tompkins has written a book, "How To Wreck A Nice Beach" about vocoders, which from what I understand, took up about a decade of his life. I'm in the middle of reading it and it is wonderful. If you've never read Dave's leapfrogging, lateral-moving, cross-cutting, everything-is-connected stream of consciousness writing style it is either wonderful or unbearable to read. I am in the former camp, which is why I recommend the book to you now.

Find out more at Dave's book blog, including a vocoder mix done by Monk from Wax Poetics.

howtowreckanicebeach.com

Yeah, OK

2010-05-29T16:25:00.000-04:00

You win, Hot Chip. This video rules.

Let's play a game

2010-05-25T19:07:00.003-04:00

Go home and do something by yourself. It doesn't matter what it is. You could wash your dishes, organize your room, take a nap, feed your cat, whatever.

While you're doing it, play this song:

Now you are a sad person in black and white. Just make sure at 1:21 you get angry about something.

Hey Spin: STFU

2010-05-24T10:42:00.006-04:00

When I went to SXSW this year, I got a mediocre swag bag that included, among other things, a free year-long subscription to Spin. Now while I have greatly enjoyed Spin before when I was in high school and thought it was "way cooler than Rolling Stone" and literally wrote a paper comparing the two to each other in college, and also plagiarized myself and re-submitted the same paper to a different class when I was studying abroad in Australia, it's been awhile since Spin has particularly held any merit for me.

I still enjoy buying it at the newstand and reading it while eating dinner, or buying it at the airport and reading it for 15 minutes before falling asleep, but by and large our paths don't really cross anymore.

So finally, my first issue of Spin shows up in the mailbox, and it is a doozy. It is Spin's 25th Anniversary issue, AKA their special self-blowjob issue where they mythologize their own greatness. The cover seems innocuous and product-of-a-boardroom-meeting enough: a leather jacket. Part Sticky Fingers homage, part "so classic rock n roll," part "something that is just as hip now as it was 25 years ago" etc yeah sure OK it hits all these marks.

BUT then in the magazine inside it is rendered unacceptable by being a parallel to this:

Like, no. I was going to link that last sentence to a picture of a guy blowing himself, but that would be nowhere near as offensive as rich boob Bob G Jr's self-aggrandizing thesis on how amazingly cool and ahead of his time he was.

"Oh hey reader, in case you didn't know, I used to fuck Penthouse pets like all the time. Just thought you would want to also know that some of them gave me fighter pilot uniforms too. LOL anyways back to the grindstone! FML!"

What is happening I literally do not care

2010-05-12T17:16:00.002-04:00

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WATCH THIS NO MATTER WHAT!!!

The Onion VS Alien Ant Farm

2010-05-11T13:33:00.001-04:00

Once again ladies and gentlemen, the Onion.

Alternahits pt 2

2010-04-28T00:44:00.004-04:00

I bought the Psycho Killer import 12 on eBay recently. Why does EVERYTHING ALWAYS SOUND BETTER ON 12"? I don't know and it doesn't matter. It's so weird holding a record like that in your hands bc I can't help but think how intensely Byrne and the rest of the band must have been micro-managing the design and wanting to be perceived a certain way, etc etc

As I've mentioned before, I'll always find it fascinating to hear alternate versions of songs that are so colossal it's impossible to imagine them any other way. As if to prove this point, there's a different version of Psycho Killer on the import 12, with different lyrics and some violins. Weird! Also I threw on the B-side "I Wish You Wouldn't Say That" just for the reason of why not.

Talking Heads ~ Psycho Killer (Alternate 12" Version) / I Wish You Wouldn't Say That

Syd Barrett Does His Taxes

2010-04-25T21:02:00.002-04:00

*via Hey Mister

Surfer Blood Live

2010-04-23T21:44:00.003-04:00

I shot and produced this band Surfer Blood for my job recently. It was super stressful, since my DP and I were basically shooting a half music video and half performance hybrid for this song "Floating Vibes." They also play "Swim" and "Take It Easy" -- 2 other albums from the LP that I like a lot. The band's kinda Weezer-circa-Blue-y... you can watch the clips and read more here.

Interview with House of House

2010-04-20T18:00:00.004-04:00

I did an email interview with Saheer from House of House for my job. We talk about late night grub spots, influences, why house is huge in Europe and basically nowhere else, and other random stuff. Read here!

Life Is Something Special

2010-04-18T23:55:00.003-04:00

I haven't put new music up in a while, so here's a burn of 2 mixes of Life Is Something Special by the Peech Boys.

Larry Levan, son! Always good.

Life Is Something Special (Vocal mix & Special Edition mix)

Amazing Record Purchases

2010-04-13T21:25:00.001-04:00

Best $2 I ever spent.

Recommended Genres

2010-04-12T11:32:00.003-04:00

From my favorite, Tom Gauld.

Someone lend me $130

2010-04-09T15:30:00.003-04:00

So I can buy this NOW.

From the eBay description:

WE ARE HAVING A SPRING CLEANING SALE THIS WEEK WITH FREE SHIPPING! Reduced and rare! You will never see another one like this. Never washed or worn. This is a mint vintage collectors original 1970's rock Fleetwood Mac Japan Tusk Tour Winter 80' Warner-Pioneer/Ongakusha Tjacket coat. Zips down front with two buttons at collar. Has great red plaid lining that may be waterproof. Very comfortable and hipster emo Members Only kinda cool. Tag reads M. 20" from pit to pit, 23 " from back of neck to bottom of coat and arms are 27" from collar to cuff. Navy blue.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

2010-04-09T11:40:00.002-04:00

And anyone who disagrees can go to hell.

Obama Muslim 911 by WinterBand Unplugged 09112008

2010-04-08T11:44:00.002-04:00

Via Archie:

More info regarding ~~ZZ Top~~ these champions of virtue, from their YT:

This song was written and produced Sept 11, 2008 as an act of patriotism and reverence for 911. If you don't believe Obama is muslim check out http://www.barakhusseinobama.name

This is video studio version of the song "Obama Muslim 911" by WinterBand Unplugged

Special thanks to Hayseed on guitar and vocals and especially the Dept of Corrections for allowing him to do this as part of work release.

Please see our CDs and video DVDs at http://www.winterband.com
The chair we are using is the ErgoChair http://www.ergochair.biz

We hope our music is a blessing to you. We mostly play original Christian Bible based songs, original contemporary Christian music. Christian rock music.

Jesus H Christ. Big shout out to the Department of Corrections for letting Hayseed out of the joint! And also can't forget Ergo Chair in the house for providing those absurd bouncy egg-shaped jawns! Also, this is our song "Obama Muslim 911" which, OK, isn't technically a sentence, a sentence fragment, or even a phrase, but more like a tag cloud. Also the outfits. Good Christ the outfits. Is Hayseed or is Hayseed not wearing a literally Klansman Grand Wizard cloak?

Happy literally 85 degree day!

2010-04-07T11:30:00.005-04:00

What's up sons and daughters of Christ, our lord and savior! To celebrate this ridiculously amazingly wonderful day, I'm putting up a mix I put together over this last week of dance shit. I came up with a bunch of these blends in early 2008 when I was practicing at home for the night I played at 205 in the basement with Saheer, which explains why a lot of these songs are a few years old. You know what's weird is that I was looking in my computer for pics from 2007 to put up here and realized that Zubes and I originally came up with this blog in February of 07, so I guess happy 3 years old for this blog? Anyways Zubes had pressing engagements culture jamming elsewhere so she ran away from 21 Gun responsibilities. Zubes come back!

Here's a picture of me from 2007:

What's up, AZN Cyclops! How you be!

2007 Called
***Mixed mostly live from vinyl***

Fedde Le Intro
Luda & Ciara ~ Oh RMX
Boys Noize & Khia ~ Jeffers (Modeselektor RMX)
M People ~ Movin On Up (Roger's Hardubb)
Mr V & Macho (Bob Sinclar blend) ~ Put Your Drink Down/I'm a Man
(Stetsasonic & Torti) + (Connie & Ulysses) ~ Talkin All That Jazz/Connie's Groove
Claude Von Stroke & Barry Harris ~ 7 Deadly Strokes/Dive In The Pool
Human League ~ Open Your Heart (Instrumental)
Technics & Prince
DHS ~ The House Of God
Armand Van Helden & Bobby Konders ~ Witch Doktor/Nervous Acid
(Theo Parrish + Carl Craig) & Dynamo Electrix ~ Falling Up/You
Hercules & Love Affair ~ You Belong (Riton RMX)
The Juan MacLean ~ Give Me Every Little Thing (Cajmere Instrumental)
Mike Dunn ~ Dance You Mutha (Dub)
Krisma ~ Miami

Siriusmo On The Radio

2010-04-03T21:25:00.001-04:00

Is good!

Siriusmo Radio-Mix by Exploited

The 160 Greatest Arnold Schwarzenegger Movie Quotes

2010-04-01T13:12:00.004-04:00

I saw this on Facebook, I saw this on Gawker. Only a matter of time before Videogum, Vulture, et al have put it up as well, so here you go internet, it is exactly what you want it to be. Some NSFW language and violence, btw:

I think what is truly wonderful about this is that the editor probably rented every Schwarzenegger film on Netflix, converted everything into a .mov file, then transcribed every single thing Schwarzenegger has ever said, then grouped certain words and phrases thematically, then threw them all together. This is definitely a labor of love. Also, it is perfect for the list format, especially since Schwarzenegger's entire career was built on one-liners.

What is also wonderful is that Schwarzenegger, like Samuel Jackson, John Lithgow or Alan Rickman, fully embraces his idiotic roles and recites the most preposterous lines with aplomb and... dignity? Somehow it's dignified. Also, as Gawker pointed out, "the only problem with this video is that it's too short." Exactly correct. Just the Mr Freeze ice puns from Batman Forever was enough for 30 seconds:

And we're not even thinking about how ridiculous Schwarzenegger sounds in German, or all the "What If?"s associated with his amazing line from Total Recall "See you at the party, Richter!"

Originally posted at my job here

Enter Smooth Jazz Sandman

2010-03-31T17:45:00.004-04:00

The 21 Gun Salute likes this.

*via my cuz

EDIT:

I have re-watched this video like 30 times since I put it up. It's SO GOOD! I think this for many reasons. One because, like the Arnold Schwarzenegger post above, it's just good editing. Some guy took the time to record an intentionally shitty and smooth jazz version, then had to sync it up with existing footage, while tirelessly slowing down/speeding up parts so that everything came together as seamlessly as possible. Plus, it speaks volumes about how totally shitty and pointless Metallica became after the mid-90s and highlights the extent to which a once powerful song can fall so far. I mean, compare 2010 Metallica to 1991 Metallica:

Obviously, there is no comparison. Youth, alcoholism, thousands of Russian teenagers and Jason Newstead make for an infinitely more compelling performance. These are players at the height of their powers in the primes of their lives. The husky shells they would become 19 years later is of course depressing and a joke. Has everyone seen Some Kind of Monster? Everyone needs to see Some Kind of Monster.

Jess' Beatport

2010-03-30T15:00:00.000-04:00

You can view Jess' Beatport picks here.

3 videos for your shit.

2010-03-28T23:07:00.001-04:00

Lab Radio

2010-03-26T10:50:00.002-04:00

I'm on Lab Radio!

Snack & C'Mish from TTL asked me to drop in to the store a few Sundays ago, drink beer and play MP3s on Serato plates. I was like "sure!" Thanks guys, I had a lot of fun. I played stuff I like (many jams of which have appeared on THIS VERY BLOG) and at the end had an interview where I wasn't talking loud enough and forgot to shout-out Kevin until 20 minutes after the interview ended.

Caveat! The mixer was run through another interface that put a 1-second delay on everything going to the system.

"Who cares." -You

In other words, I was live mixing to a not-live monitor and that explains why a few mixes are FUCKING TERRIBLE. I personally apologize to everyone for the Passions/Stevie Nicks/Fleetwood Mac mixes. When you can't do it live in one-take, you're not a professional, so I'm not a professional.

Aside from that gigantic boner, the set is a lot of fun and I play a bunch of different music. Enjoy!

Listen here

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG etc

2010-03-25T13:31:00.005-04:00

One for Lloyd

2010-03-25T11:20:00.000-04:00

A Fair & Balanced Review Of The SXSW Swag Bag

2010-03-24T16:49:00.005-04:00

SXSW, you were fun and wonderful.

You also failed to provide the A-level swag! I know all the good stuff jeans were at the Levi's Fader Fort, and that was pretty much it. Who's working marketing for all the various groups that gave stuff away, Bag of Swag? Who? This is slightly embarrassing, even for a bag of free crap:

The swag itself is housed in a lovely cloth tote bag, depicting what appears to be Betty Rubble hauling a Marshall stack across Mexico. I guess! Who cares, they probably got a local artist at the last second to make this. And since I like the B-52's, I like this.

Right away the tote is weighed down with a giant phone book listing all the bands. This is the ONLY worthwhile object in the Bag of Swag. It is a comprehensive list of bands, playing times, venues, local cab #s, etc. Essentially, a SXSWepdia.

Next up we have so many crappy magazines. GTF outta here Bass Player. Phil Lesh? Come on you guys, there has been literally 60 years of recorded music since Phil Lesh had his playing style influenced more by Bach counterpoint than by rock or soul bass players (although one can also hear the fluidity and power of a jazz bassist such as Charles Mingus or Jimmy Garrison in Lesh's work, along with stylistic allusions to fellow San Francisco psychedelic-era bassist Jack Casady). Also, guess which sentence in this paragraph excerpts liberally from Wikipedia?

Like, I wouldn't be averse to be reading an interview with Flea (yes I would), or that ogre guy who now plays for Metallica, or that caveman that used to play bass for Nirvana, or even someone wearing a Jaco Pastorious mask. You got thrown into the garbage in the first 2 minutes, Bass Player, and don't think you're getting away with it either, American Songwriter and Music Connection! Only Alicia Keys stays, because she's pretty and I want to see more pictures of her in the magazine.

SXSW is big on themes for their day parties and events, and here are some guides... British Music, German Music, English Folk (apparently different from British Music). The Flatstock 24 guide was tops though, it was a listing of all the vendors who were selling awesome tour prints in one of the exhibition halls at the Austin Convention Center. You can see a lot of the vendors and some of the stuff they have available here. I don't really pay attention to tour prints, and sure Peter Saville and all the books about like Grunge era Peter Bagge/Sonic Youth/Mudhoney freakout posters, but I was very happy to see modern, elegant posters (usually for terrible bands, but NONETHELESS!).

Hey Green Label Sound and Severe Records! It's the 90s! Compact Disc technology is the wave of the future! Now let's go buy some slap bracelets and Koosh Balls! Also, Reebok Pumps and Captain Planet.

No one should give away CDs, for so many reasons. And if you do, come on Severe Records, try to spend that extra 5 cents a CD and make some actual packaging. Trent Rhodes man, you should not be bragging about your position with this CD. Just put in a Polaroid of you picking your nose! I would accept that!

And I actually like Green Label Sound -- there are a lot of neat artists on that sampler, but just... don't make a CD. Give me a fortune cookie with a download link inside it or something.

Precious energy! At SXSW we ate like 11 year olds whose parents were out of town for the night. That basically means fried cheese and street meat for every meal. We didn't even have time to eat delicious BBQ! For as far as vision permitted, there were no salads. If you're vegetarian or vegan, forget it, have fun eating white bread and Diet Coke for dinner. Food options at music festivals are already an embarrassing state of affairs, so the fact that the Bag of Swag gave us an energy bar and some pretzels was like "YESSSS"

Now we're talking some slightly more inventive swag. Good work, ASCAP and, I guess, MySpace! Now MySpace has not exactly been knocking the grand slam viral balls out of the idea park, but flimsy little plastic key ... condoms I guess? are memorable and fun. ASCAP also gets point for pure function: matches. I don't know what "I [screaming mouth] SXSW" means exactly, but sure, I'll put it on. And actual condoms are also a good idea. Musicians like sex, after all.

Here we have what is known not-at-all-affectionately as the dregs.

Aside from the random stickers, which I like, I don't think it's unfair to say "what the hell is this." Midem, what word am I spreading exactly? The word of a red electricity-conducting M? The word of "solutions, business, connections, knowlege" (four meaningless words, placed side by side)?

Hey The Rose, I don't care what your slogan is, it is not physically possible to play a world tour in just one night, neither metaphorically nor literally. And Billboard Bungalow, I don't even know where to begin with you.

This is pretty neat. The top 2 items in this picture are both earplugs. See above with ASCAP re: form < function. Bottom left we have a dinky little first aid kit with 2 Lifesavers (ha! I get it now!) and on the right we have a neat little waterproof container thing with yet another pair of earplugs. Thanks, AOL!

And thank you , dear reader!

*originally posted for my job here

SXSW

2010-03-17T13:11:00.001-04:00

I'm going to be in Austin till Sunday. No new posts! In the meantime, two things:

ONE!
This is really good, duh:

TWO!
I did a radio show for TTL Radio last week and you can listen to it if you have internet power. Simply (this is not simple) do the following: go here and click on the "Listen" tab for the March 11, 2010 show, which will download a .m3u file, which you will then have to open in iTunes. I'll throw up a full tracklisting later but I play a lot of fun stuff, and it's all done live, and there are some GIANT BONERS in the mixing department but in my defense the system was on a 3 second delay from the turntables. Then Matt interviews me at the end of the show, and I believe I make fun of Michna and forget to shout out Kevin till much later.

Reee!

2010-03-16T12:35:00.002-04:00

I made this video the other day. Man I hope it goes viral. To have it go into a viral spiral would be the best. It's hard to make memes, you know? Kids don't care unless you shove a Rick Astley/Cat jumping in or out of something/terrible movie trailer/~~tasteful montage of someone's career~~/screaming redheaded Christian in their face.

From now on if someone starts complaining to you, instead of giving them one of these, how about you give them one of these:

I always found this song extremely offensive. It is the summation of all that is terrible about desperate-last-hurrah-era Eagles. Nevermind old haggard Don Henley, EVERYONE is literally dying on stage here. The very premise of the whole Hell Freezes Over project is offensive -- it's the Eagles obnoxiously rubbing my face in something I don't care about.

-Remember when we said we would get back together when hell froze over?! Well, that's the name of our reunion tour! So FUCK YOU!

-Jesus, Joe Walsh, stop waving that knife around, I get it!

To celebrate this old folks home, Glenn Frey and Henley wrote "Get Over It," which is simultaneously their response to outraged fans/critics who are angry they would reunite (a population of literally zero people*), and their take-no-prisoners tough guy response to the impotent PC-obsessive 90s. Come on, now dudes. What kind of enemies are those. That's like Eminem taking on Will Smith and the Insane Clown Posse.

Also, Wikipedia? Try to pretend to have just a little bit of impartiality. Like,

The song is about Henley's frustration with others (such as TV chat show contestants) placing their shortcomings, failures, mental breakdowns, and financial problems on those who don't deserve it, then believing that the world owes them a favor, to which he replies, "the big bad world doesn't owe you a thing," the constant whining, and complaining of others, even to the point of them blaming their present failures on the past, eventually forces the man to state, out loud, "I'd like to find your inner child, and kick its little ass!" [Exclamation point IN the article!]

LOOK at these dudes:

What's most offensive of all is Joe Walsh's endless parade of "Reee!!!"s. Over time it becomes less a punctuation to Henley's out-of-touch fist-waving, and becomes more like a grating challenge to the listener to get over the badness of the very song we are listening to.

Of course, if I ever brought any of this to the attention of the Eagles, I know what they would say in response.

*You know you've finally gone off the deep end when your band starts addressing anonymous enemies. No names, just "those that prey on your downfall," as Jay-Z once said. Eminem, KRS-One, Nas and Tupac have all fallen down this navel-gazing rabbit hole.

Amazing Record Covers

2010-03-15T23:39:00.000-04:00

Jim Steinman

2010-03-15T13:10:00.004-04:00

Jim Steinman is one of the greatest musical Jews that ever lived. Sorry, Wall Of Jews and Gene Simmons, but it's true. After all, this is the blinding visionary genius who made Meat Loaf a household name (Steinman wrote basically all of Bat Out Of Hell I + II). I mean, Meat Loaf was involved too, I guess, by actually singing the songs, but it is Steinman who penned the epic over-the-top ballad rock operas that have defined Loaf's literally enormous body (of work!).

Rock operas are obviously the dumbest things in the world right after hip-hoperas: even with the windmill-guitar-bashing lunatic antics of the Who in their prime, everything in "Tommy" is terrible and idiotic. We all know this. "A Quick One While He's Away" is obviously amazing, but have you ever tried to sit down and listen to "Pinball Wizard?"

He ain't got no distractions
Can't hear those buzzers and bells
Don't see lights a flashin'
Plays by sense of smell
Always gets a replay
Never tilts at all
That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball
-Shut Up

Not so with Jim Steinman. This sagely semite has written the most urgent music in the world. In "Paradise by the Dashboard Light," for example, when what's her name says "STOP RIGHT THERE! I gotta know right now! Before we go any further blah blah blah" How great is that? That's literally what every single girl has thought in her brain since the beginning of time, and how lucky is whoever it is that got to sing it?

Meat Loaf himself also has never equalled himself when singing Jim Steinman material. "Paradise," "Do Anything For Love" and "Objects In Mirror" are all Steinman jams (the last two had their videos directed by a young idiot named Michael Bay), and when the fat fool released "Bat Out Of Hell 3: What Am I Doing" without the help of Steinman, nobody cared.

Steinman has done a ton of stuff outside of Gigantic Stomach'd Meat Loaf. He wrote a few little songs like Total Eclipse Of The Heart, Holding Out For A Hero, and Making Love Out Of Nothing At All; Andrew Lloyd Webber wants to hump him; he recorded 2 songs for the Streets Of Fire soundtrack; he wrote the only good Celine Dion song.

This song is so amazing it has been released three times. Once by Steinman's band Pandora's Box, twice by Meat Loaf from his shitty and pointless album Bat Out Of Hell 3: Come On Help A Guy Out, and thrice by Celine Dion, hated Canadian. Of these, Celine Dion's version is the industry standard.

Say what you will about Celine Dion being an insane maniac or being the only objective and inarguable index of terrible music, this song is amazing.

Celine Dion > Pandora's Box
because there are simply things you cannot know if you are not famous and have not recorded dozens of hit singles. Simply put, the chick who sings on the Pandora's Box version is inferior to Celine Dion by very virtue that she is not Celine Dion, and this song requires a Celine Dion over-the-top epic-ness.

Celine Dion > Meat Loaf
because Meat Loaf's version is shitty and tossed off. If he had released it during Bat Out Of Hell II: Still Got It, it might have been a different story. His voice is just... off and not as commanding, he looks as out of it and over the hill as he did in Fight Club, and the song is recorded as a duet. NO! The very spirit of this song is about the kind of loss and regret and you can only share with yourself. There's a reason why both the Celine and the Meat Loaf videos are about some distant dead and lost lover.

I will admit though that I do not for a second buy Celine Dion singing this part:

There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow

No there weren't, Celine Dion.

BSGtie Boys

2010-03-10T16:19:00.005-05:00

Whoa. Someone remade Sabotage shot-for-shot with Battlestar Galactica footage.