I'm going to Hawaii for a week. Sorry, 100 people a day who come to this site. While I'm gone, please watch this over and over again:

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What is the most appropriate forum for an intelligent exchange of ideas?

Why, an online discussion board, of course. And if you can't find one of those? Simply browse any collection of comments for any website, and I'm sure you will find a healthy and articulate dialogue. Or you will find the opposite of that.

This post was originally going to be about the most recent bout of comments posted on the YouTube page for arguably the worst song of the 90s( "Name" by the Goo Goo Dolls), but

the more he thought about the angrier he got. -The Corrections

So let's get this out of the way, this is what America has to say about the Goo Goo Dolls:


What's truly upsetting about this is that the above is just the tip of the iceberg. There's literally 112 other fools braying in terrible grammar about how "Name" was the song they lost their virginity to.

But this sinking ship of anger can actually be turned around (stop destroying, start building)!

FUN NEW GAME

Think of THE WORST SONG in the world. The more popular the better. Maybe "Name" jumps the shark a little bit but I'm sure we can all come up with more. Then, go to the YT page of that song and begin your LOL fest:

STAIND "BEEN AWHILE"

(Nick's favorite song in the world)
Preach on, Moscillamix from 1 week ago! Good thing you logged in to tell everyone that "the bass is on effect so dat make dis bautiful song what the hell are you talking about!"

---

DANIEL WHATEVER HIS LAST NAME IS "HAD A BAD DAY"
Christ. I appreciate the value of nesting up in a Star Wars blanket and drinking tea while clinging to your cat and highlighted copy of The Secret but come on people, dignity. Poor salah62al making the perfectly rational observation "he looks alot like timberlake" and getting pounded into the ground.

"NO HE DOESN'T AND SHUT YOUR LYING STUPID FACE RIGHT NOW"-The internet, in response

---

JC CHASEZ "ALL DAY LONG I DREAM ABOUT SEX"
Sometimes though, and this is why the internet is wonderful, that rare exception to the rule appears, and you get a surprising wealth of taste:
OK perhaps this is a bit too much credit. After all, in an all-out assault of reprehensible shittiness you're bound to have a few people be able to recognize. So it's not all bad!

"Yes we can." -Barack Obama

MOVING ON (.org),

The review I wrote for my job about the new Das Racist video started a very, very short back and forth of bilious anger. Rage against the machine!

DUDE what is going on bro! I understand grass-roots marketing and flame wars will "get traffic" and "spark a dialogue" and "virally tweet the digg" but ease up homey.

I also feel I would be remiss in failing to point out that the just-graduated-from-Tuft marketing intern who has a Google alert set up in his Reader left a comment on my McDonald's "I'm Eggin It" post.

It reads thus, presented without commentary:

I refuse to dignify this with an etc

On an unrelated note:

Look at this photograph! Every time I do it makes me laugh. -Jesus Christ

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My roommate made this and it is very very funny.

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On Beatport's blog, they posted an abridged version of Resident Advisor's Top 100 electronic dance tunes of the decade. Using the BP player you can stream and sample a bunch of the tracks, which is great if you're like me and are only sort of up on your current electronic songs. Like, I literally found out about "Silent Shout" through this player. Also that's how I found out about this one:

Omar S ~ Psychotic Photosynthesis (via Extra New Music)

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Is either going to be:

CGI Orukai

or

Box of Scraps

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So now I'm officially on the Mark E bandwagon. I just bought his "works 2005-2009" CD and have been slowly jamming out to it this weekend. I'm really into this track "Plastic People," which is very Wake Up Stay In Bed-esque.

Mark E ~ Plastic People (Medit)

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I saw this band perform at Brooklyn Bowl the other night. I had no idea who they were, and immediately felt like Merlin. I will say this, however. They were truly, truly awful. First of all, take a moment to completely digest the picture above. The keyboard player literally is wearing a neon Girl Talk T-shirt, there's a separate BONGO STAND for the singer, and there are 2 chicks whose only job is to smile while clapping not-in-tandem. I won't even comment on anorexic Andrew WK on the right (AKA the literally second keyboard player)

What I will say is that I think I finally topped my "Motion City Soundtrack? More like No-fun Shitty Clown-crap!" jibe.

When I was like "ugh who is this, the Ugh Boots?" my friend was like "they're from Atlanta, they're supposedly some supergroup called the Constellations," to which I replied "more like they're from Mylanta, some super-poop called the Constipations."

BAM BURN ZING SISS BOOM POW KACHUNK PEACE

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by Archie Bevins, Blogger

OPENING REMARKS:
The only American 2000s music that is appropriate for historical canonization must necessarily be (post-)hip-hop, and must of necessity eschew any mention of (guitar-based) rock music. The 2000s of rock music opened with the frat-tastic dreck of Limp Bizkit and ended with the limpid murmurings of flaccid blog-rockers – we can all agree that these are two sides of the same, insipid coin. These foul approaches to guitar rock both date back to the 1990s, when humorless/macho grunge rock and whining/sarcastic indie rock rose to hideous prominence. Conclusion: the 2000s were the 90s, i.e. they both featured dreadful guitar-based music.

Still in all though, let us not forget that the 90s simultaneously birthed a high-point period of a genius hip hop that will last an eternity, with the sacred and holy trinity of Nas, Biggie, and Wu Tang (or Tupac if you insist on being high-handed about it).* Thus, conclusion # 2: The 2000s were hip-hop’s 1970s to rock’s 1960s, in which high-minded art gave way to the most deliciously crass formalism and meta-studio hyper-drive that the heart could fathom. Thus and so:

THE LIST
(presented in the order in which it was thought/written)

5) Juvenile – “Back dat Thing (Ass) Up”
This seminal Cash Money All Stars Joint is pure 2000s genius. The rhyme scheme is largely predicated on ending every line with “yeah,”** and it's evil and sweaty and all of that. But the genius lies in that sweet post-frisson dissonance between the lyrics and the production: Cash Money producer Manny Fresh claimed that he was drawing on a classical music influence for this song; sure enough it is relentlessly melodic, bordering on the neo-romantic. With cheap synth string patches, the relentless chord progression pulls the melodic lines inevitably forward, putting Juve’s catcalls in a New Orleans at once sacred and profane. Indeed, Manny Fresh himself gets a verse in which the self-embodying contradictions are laid bare: “I'm looking kind of lonely/I'm feeling horny/Put the dxxx in the middle like Monee.”

4) Mystikal – “Shake that Ass”
The 2000s saw the Daptone Records folks assiduously and relentlessly attempting to re-invent the James Brown wheel, studying and replicating every nuance of every drum sound, every bass thump. But Southern gentleman (and Gulf War veteran) Mystikal beat them all to the punch, eschewing all that formalist hocus-pocus and going in for the kill, with this sweating heap of sex genius. It’s worth noting here also that this is one of many 2000s crass hop songs in which the radio edit lyrics are superior to the dirty ones: The opening line of the radio version is “I came here with the mic in my hand.” On the album, its “I came here with my dxxx in my hand,” as if that expression connotes something to be proud of. Anyway, brilliant song that proved that the original spirit of rock and blues (sweat, sex, spare) now lived/lives in hip hop and will never again be seen with a guitar.***

3)Dr. Dre - "Still D.R.E"
See, this is what I'm talking about. Dre was an old man when he made the revolutionarily brilliant Chronic 2001 (30?), and wanted nothing more to do with "dis gangsta bullsXXt." But after the failure of the ludicrously high-minded "Been There, Done That," his white, soccer mom wife famously told him to get back to talking about weed, guns, and "bitches." And he did so, despite the fact that he now found misogyny and violence to be distasteful and embarrassing. But, as as Dre said at the time of the release of the groundbreaking Chronic 2001, "you shouldn't take it too seriously." Now remember, back in the 90s, hip-hop lyrics about ghetto stuff were purported to be (and often were) serious, message-y things, "The Black CNN" and all that. This time out, the lyrics were just some post-modern pastiche that Dre couldn't even be bothered to write (Jay-Z wrote them all on a cocktail napkin while doing a New York Times crossword puzzle).****

Dre was no longer interested in the "social message" of the ghetto, for he was long out of the ghetto, and now found its mores and mythologies to be boring and stupid. But what he was still interested in, however, was continuing to be a musical visionary and genius. Not to put too fine a point on it, but Dre completely revolutionized his own sound with this one: gone are the G-funk samples and any and all 1970s-isms. The new sound is sleek and modern; the drums are quantized within a inch of their life, and not a single note is out of place. The whole thing is mathematically immaculate, shiny and new - the cold beauty of the swiftly-imagined future.

2) JAY -Z - "Hola, Hovito"
Everybody knows that The Blueprint is the last great hip-hop album ever made; others may soon realize it's the last great album ever made. Some might argue that the lyrical prowess of this album undercuts my earlier argument about 2000s hip-hop representing the victory of form over content, and they are - to paraphrase Morrissey - "half-right." On the one hand, the lyrical prowess and substance is undeniable - the winking bravado, the playful insults, the possible G N' R reference ("appetite for destruction, but I scrape the plate.") Once again, however, we remain far removed from any kind of social messaging; this is the story of the personal triumph of a crass capitalist, neighborhood hero, and aspiring hometown hero.

Indeed, and lest we forget, "Hola Hovito" is the one where he declares: "The Sinatra of my day -- Old Blue Eyes, My Nxxxx, I did it My Way!" Which brings us, the long way 'round the barn, to Timbaland, producer of this track. Note that this is the only Timbaland track on this record, and that it does not expressly sound like a textbook Timbo track; that is, the beat remains pretty consistent, there's some vague Latin feels (echoed in the lyrics), and the weird sounds (babies crying, willows weeping, et al) are conspicuously absent. For this reason - because it avoids what we think to be any kind of formula - it also remains the consummate Timbaland track (see author's note). It sits perfectly on the The Blueprint, yet stands utterly alone amidst all the Kanye-related, sped-up 70s soul redux-action that otherwise defines the record. It shares a sweet sense of precision with the modern Dre we heard on "Still D.R.E." (not the keyboards), but it is grittier, sunnier, and ultimately a work of super-humanist warmth.

1) Eminem - "Kill You"
And here, of course, we find the ultimate display of 2000s hip-hop as a neo/meta/post-everything affair. Even with Dr. Dre at the helm, the one guy who was directly engaging the broader issues of American popular cultural and sociological disarray was this ugly slab of white trashy brilliance from Detroit. Fletcher once likened him (memorably and accurately) to "the smartest, most precocious kid in an 8th grade class of hooligans." As a mass audience provocateur, he engages the listening public in issues of race, class, cultural hypocrisy, and popular taste, in a manner that - thanks to the segmenting qualities of the age of the interweb - no pop star will ever do again, ever. Yet he's very a much a "hyper-link" kind of rapper; as soon as he utters an outrageously offensive line ("take it like a slut, OK Ma?!"), he immediately imagines the audience/critics' response ("oh, now he's raping his own mother...after we gave him the Rolling Stone cover!").

At the helm, of course, is Dr. Dre. Now, it has been noted by many that The Marshall Mathers LP follows a similar production style as Chronic 2001, but it is worth noting that Marshall Mathers is far more radical. The music of "Kill You" is as marked by long pauses and silence - and I mean real, digital silence - as it is by its sound. The sheer speed of the guitar parts gets brilliantly daffy, while the chord progression is straight from a Klezmer carnival. But the melodic references remain so perfectly hidden behind the production style, that they emerge as something entirely, horrifyingly original.

In conclusion:
While guitar-based rock music was long-dead well before the 2000s even began, the 2000s saw the final, post-period of hip-hop: the last era in history in which a mass-market, pop music product engaged the culture at large (even the segments of the culture that despised hip-hop still heard it), while still being artistically relevant and important in form, if seldom in content. Thus, the 2000s remarkably marked two simultaneous death knells: hip-hop as a relevant genre, and pop music as a whole.

author's note
Every single Timbaland-associated track belongs on here, including all of his work with Missy Elliot, but that's probably well-represented on other lists, and we simply don't have the time for it for Christ-sake.

___

editor's notes

*What! StupidPac over Jay-Z?

**a la Black Rob's "Ha"

***ironically, I would argue that Danger," which prominently features the guitar, is an even higher achievement, rock traditionalism notwithstanding

****unlike Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, who did them in his bathrobe and reading the WSJ, sipping grape-flavored Vitamin water.

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When corporations are all "we need to get some young, hip, "urban" talent attached to our hideous fast food," what happens?

Wordspit and Joya, I'm very very sorry you guys had to give soundbites. Wordspit, about your inability to fathom being in a McDonald's commercial, and Joya your bullet-point listing of what is delicious about it. You know who can list their favorite McDonald's food items by their correct name in a casual off-hand manner? NOBODY because nobody ever thinks about McDonald's for longer than 30 seconds a month. UGH UGH UGH

0:20
Nice background, whoever produced this. Clearly shot on location while crew hangs out for that "we're just hanging out" feel. Also, everyone on YT for the love of God stop adding annotations to your videos.

0:27
GAH! Philip Seymour Hoffman what are you doing?! When you're done co-founding Dollar Van Demos and stuttering through the soundbite that you are GOING TO PUT INTO YOUR OWN PIECE how about you leave now and never come back?

"The dollar van and the dollar menu make sense together."

WTF yeah sure I guess. "This thing I made up specifically to make sense with something someone else made up, these two things make sense together."

0:35

OK explain Dollar Van Demos to me. I don't get it. OK. OK. Huh? I'm stupid because I am America, can you re-explain it to me?

0:41

YYYEEEAOOOW Wordspit please take the hand waving down like 5 notches. You are at a 9 right now and I need you at a 4.

0:54

Ahh, my mainest man Judah Friedlander is back to once again explain in the simplest of terms his Dollar Van Demos pitch. Nope, still don't get it.

1:02
Hey Wordspit, good thing you specifically wore your favorite confidence shirt to the studio. Nope, can't air that.

1:05

"I figured good things would come out of doing the Dollar Van Demos Episode, I never thought that it would be McDonald's." -Joya

OK first of all this is not a sentence. Second of all, if we decide through context and inference that she means that she didn't expect to appear in a McDonald's commercial then SHE IS AN IDIOT. That is like saying "I figured good things would come out of me doing this commercial spot that McDonald's is producing, casting and catering; I never thought that it would be a commercial spot for McDonald's." For shame, editor who just exported it without telling his/her bosses because he/she just wanted to get the hell out of there because it was already 6:30 pm and the thing wasn't even color-corrected yet, for shame.

1:13

"A dollar menu, man, I think I think it's guh, uh I think it's a great idea" -Wordspit
Hey Wordspit! Nice "soundbite"! This coming from a guy whose literal job it is to have a command over the English language. Not that I blame you Wordspit, this is the serious soul-selling part of the ad. At least when you're rapping your song about McDonald's the pain is cushioned by the fact that you are doing what you love. But when you gotta stand there with 7 people shooting you asking you if you think "the dollar menu is a good idea and please phrase your answer in a complete sentence" YEESH the man is clearly in hell:
Arms crossed, not even looking at the camera or interviewer? Christ. There is some intense internal conflict going on in this picture. Ladies, say no if someone proposes to you and looks like that.

1:20

Meanwhile, Joya is giving up the soundbites like it's her job! She's just straight up listing the menu! Judah Friedlander was probably all like "just keep talking and we'll keep rolling because this is gold"

1:21

Oof. Cut to B-roll of production staff literally forced to eat McDonald's during the shoot. Yikes. I like how the production coordinator on the left sees the cameraman taping and immediately turns her head away, like "please don't associate me with this":



1:31
GAHHH (again)!

Philip Seymour Hoffman GTF outta here with your leather jacket'd newsie-cap walrus face! "I said if you're gonna make a breakfast commercial, you should really use this guy Wordspit" I can't even begin to list the things wrong with that sentence. First of all, Yes of course you're right, Scotty J, if you're going to make a breakfast commercial, you SHOULD really use this guy Wordspit, because what are you talking about. Second, YOU do not get to tell ME who is the hottest young emergingest cuttingest edgiest recording artist in hip-hop. Would anyone in their right mind take a look at Capote over here and be like "Yes one thing you obviously know is your underground rap."

1:39

"I'm egging it. Uh uh I'm egging it." -Actual words that Wordspit say
Q-Tip is rolling over in his still-alive grave.

I'm now going to stop live-blogging this because ugh and also no Rachel shut up say it.

BTW, youtube comments.

*via Hey Mister, who also made up the "go away and never come back" joke.

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