the 21 gun salute!: I'm Eggin It!

When corporations are all "we need to get some young, hip, "urban" talent attached to our hideous fast food," what happens?

This is what happens:

OK Wordspit, I'm really sorry this had to happen to you. You are probably an awesome guy and talented but McDonald's is basically like "hey how about we have sex with your butt? Are you OK with that? That we have sex with your butt?" and Wordspit got paid 100,000 Exposure Dollars and zero American dollars.

But the humiliation doesn't stop there. I'm going to liveblog this terribleness!

0:02

"Let's get a shot of McDonald's right in there. Really associate the brand with hip-hop."

0:05

"Turned on the TV and heard breakfast was back!" -Joya
Thanks TV! I thought breakfast had left the earth forever to battle demon spirits in hell, but what's that? It's back? TELL ME MORE, SPECIFICALLY IN SONG FORM WITH VIOLINS

0:11

Wordspit and Joya, I'm very very sorry you guys had to give soundbites. Wordspit, about your inability to fathom being in a McDonald's commercial, and Joya your bullet-point listing of what is delicious about it. You know who can list their favorite McDonald's food items by their correct name in a casual off-hand manner? NOBODY because nobody ever thinks about McDonald's for longer than 30 seconds a month. UGH UGH UGH

0:20

Nice background, whoever produced this. Clearly shot on location while crew hangs out for that "we're just hanging out" feel. Also, everyone on YT for the love of God stop adding annotations to your videos.

0:27

GAH! Philip Seymour Hoffman what are you doing?! When you're done co-founding Dollar Van Demos and stuttering through the soundbite that you are GOING TO PUT INTO YOUR OWN PIECE how about you leave now and never come back?

"The dollar van and the dollar menu make sense together."

WTF yeah sure I guess. "This thing I made up specifically to make sense with something someone else made up, these two things make sense together."

0:35

OK explain Dollar Van Demos to me. I don't get it. OK. OK. Huh? I'm stupid because I am America, can you re-explain it to me?

0:41

YYYEEEAOOOW Wordspit please take the hand waving down like 5 notches. You are at a 9 right now and I need you at a 4.

0:54

Ahh, my mainest man Judah Friedlander is back to once again explain in the simplest of terms his Dollar Van Demos pitch. Nope, still don't get it.

1:02

Hey Wordspit, good thing you specifically wore your favorite confidence shirt to the studio. Nope, can't air that.

1:05

"I figured good things would come out of doing the Dollar Van Demos Episode, I never thought that it would be McDonald's." -Joya

OK first of all this is not a sentence. Second of all, if we decide through context and inference that she means that she didn't expect to appear in a McDonald's commercial then SHE IS AN IDIOT. That is like saying "I figured good things would come out of me doing this commercial spot that McDonald's is producing, casting and catering; I never thought that it would be a commercial spot for McDonald's." For shame, editor who just exported it without telling his/her bosses because he/she just wanted to get the hell out of there because it was already 6:30 pm and the thing wasn't even color-corrected yet, for shame.

1:13

"A dollar menu, man, I think I think it's guh, uh I think it's a great idea" -Wordspit
Hey Wordspit! Nice "soundbite"! This coming from a guy whose literal job it is to have a command over the English language. Not that I blame you Wordspit, this is the serious soul-selling part of the ad. At least when you're rapping your song about McDonald's the pain is cushioned by the fact that you are doing what you love. But when you gotta stand there with 7 people shooting you asking you if you think "the dollar menu is a good idea and please phrase your answer in a complete sentence" YEESH the man is clearly in hell:

Arms crossed, not even looking at the camera or interviewer? Christ. There is some intense internal conflict going on in this picture. Ladies, say no if someone proposes to you and looks like that.

1:20

Meanwhile, Joya is giving up the soundbites like it's her job! She's just straight up listing the menu! Judah Friedlander was probably all like "just keep talking and we'll keep rolling because this is gold"

1:21

Oof. Cut to B-roll of production staff literally forced to eat McDonald's during the shoot. Yikes. I like how the production coordinator on the left sees the cameraman taping and immediately turns her head away, like "please don't associate me with this":

1:31

GAHHH (again)!

Philip Seymour Hoffman GTF outta here with your leather jacket'd newsie-cap walrus face! "I said if you're gonna make a breakfast commercial, you should really use this guy Wordspit" I can't even begin to list the things wrong with that sentence. First of all, Yes of course you're right, Scotty J, if you're going to make a breakfast commercial, you SHOULD really use this guy Wordspit, because what are you talking about. Second, YOU do not get to tell ME who is the hottest young emergingest cuttingest edgiest recording artist in hip-hop. Would anyone in their right mind take a look at Capote over here and be like "Yes one thing you obviously know is your underground rap."

1:39

"I'm egging it. Uh uh I'm egging it." -Actual words that Wordspit say
Q-Tip is rolling over in his still-alive grave.

I'm now going to stop live-blogging this because ugh and also no Rachel shut up say it.

BTW, youtube comments.