Hey Colin Thurston (who actually does look like vampire Wolverine), welcome to the hallowed ranks of such esteemed gentlemen as:

Lindsey Buckingham (and later Jimmy Iovine)
Serge Gainsbourg
Berry Gordy
John Smith
R Kelly
Prince
Rick James
Phil Oakey (I'm guessing)
that guy, Jack Woltz, from the Godfather
ABBA
Phil Spector
Jarvis Cocker (I hope)
Ike Turner
and others!

Miro Miroe ~ Nights Over Arabia (Electro Re-Mix)

"Patrick Stump boned Vicky T from Cobra Starship" -Zooberry

POINT:
by Archie Bevins

We saw the FIRST EVER screening of Final Destination 4: The Final Destination last nite. Woods, Zoobs, The Mexican (w/ 40 ounce in hand) and The Texan were also all in attendance.

Why do we care about Final Destination?
1) To quote Woods/TheMexican/Dennis Lim, FD is the ultimate post/meta horror series. For an essentially accurate discussion of this, see this homosexual asian man's (coincidence?!?!?!) article from this weeks nytimes: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/23/movies/23lim.html

Essentially, the idea is that Final Destinaysh is the most meta and po-mo of all da slasherz: that is, rather than death being embodied in the form of the grim reaper (7th Seal) or a slasher, it is merely an immutable, invisible force that is out to get you...

And truly, Final Destination 4 was meta and phenomenal as they come. The 3D was beautiful, huge, and immaculately executed (unlike the overrated-by-all-our-friends MY BLOODY VALENTINE).

It is not even a film per se, but rather a series of lengthy set pieces - gags essentially - that build suspense and tease audience expectation. The opening sequence at the racetrack, with its fake-outs, red herrings, absurd humor, could out-Hitchcock that overweight/over-rated auteur himself.

The clear high point was the META 3-D sequence:

In this sequence, two pretty girls go to a 3-D horror film. The hero has a premonition that they will die in there and runs into the theater to save them. We see his POV of the movie screen, which is all blurry (as he his not wearing 3D glasses). There is a gigantic (blurry) explosion on the screen-within-the-screen, which shortly morphs into a REAL 3-D explosion as the screen itself explodes out into the audience's eyes AND into ours....

Genius.

Love, Hova McBevins

COUNTERPOINT:
by Woods

The other night I saw FD4, at the first showing, at midnight, in Times Square, in 3D, kind of drunk. As Marshall McClongose has said, "the medium is the message." I got seats super early when what should happen but this:

Now if any of y'all try to touch that man's abs before me, there's gonna be HELL to pay! I been watching the trailer over and over again for the past 3 months, especially the part where the blanket falls down that sexy man's abs... I been watching in SLOW MO, BITCHES! I SUCK DICK BETTER THAN ALL Y'ALL BITCHES
-The gay man who wandered into the theatre while we were sitting around having pleasant conversation and duly watching The Twenty

I have no idea what that polite and discrete man was ranting about (I'm assuming he is referring to this this moment in the trailer), but it makes me realize a) this movie franchise encourages this kind of behavior, and b) actually, technically, me and my friends were more intent on seeing this movie than that guy because we were already seated when he came in.

I love the Final Destinations. And this is coming from someone with literally no threshold for terror (Full disclosure: I am still scared of the Quantum Leap Halloween episode and am a grown-up), but I do not love FD4. Here is, summarily, why each previous edition was amazing:


FINAL DESTINATION 1

• Originality (the movie has no villain!)
  
• Set design (they elaborately created the airport so that it would not have right angles and create an intangible sense of off-kilter dread)
  
• The protagonist is not an idiotic dumb-dumb and also the whole film has a very dark mordant sense of humor (this sequence where Alex Browning starts foaming at the mouth about how he could predict the accident and Carter (wearing unaddressed, pee-stained pants) blurts "you're the fucking devil" still gets me every time.
  
• Love redeems nothing

---

FINAL DESTINATION 2

• Despite not being directed by James Fucking Wong, the 2nd installment is fantastic for its opening sequence which still ranks among the best in this series
  
• The visual "hints" at the beginning of each death sequence that would offer clues to how each no-name character would be dispatched (lottery winner with the word "eye" on his refrigerator, boy in dentist's office peering through the fish tank)
  
• The overall thematic shift from gruesome to entertaining -- in the 2nd FD the tone changed dramatically, from the horror/dread-based focus of the first FD, where the tension was sustained even into the death scene, FD2 death scenes have a palpable moment where the tension is released and you, the audience member have no choice but to yell "HOLY FUCK"
  
• The beginning of disrespecting the characters and casting them intentionally as a bunch of who-cares interchangeable throwaways
  
• This part

---

FD3
Unquestionably the king's jewel in this collection, FD3 is the apotheosis of everything good about the series without an ounce of fat to slow it down. James Fucking Wong returns to helm this monster with a vengeful "this is my goddamn franchise" fist and confidently chest-thumps his way through the film without giving way to reductive formula or predictability. Consider:

• Mary Elizabeth Winstead (my future wife) typecasted essentially as a pretty girl who screams/cries throughout the film
  
• The subversion of the "I see the future" motif with the use of the camera, which itself becomes unreliable
  
• Tony Todd reprising his role as the Man Who Knows Death -- but only as the voice of the Devils Flight ride
  
• Kris Lemche as Christian Slater doing a Jack Nicholson
  
• The usage of Love Rollercoaster, Love Train, and Turn Around Look At Me

---

BUT where FD1 and 3 (and to a lesser extent 2) succeed, 4 falls on its stupid face. Or rather, it impales its face on the ground in 3-D and calls it a day. The splatter hose of gore that gets jizzed onto the audience's face arrives without tension, without merit, and without... artistry? I'm not defending the FD series as high art that offers trenchant observations about etc, but there is definitely craftsmanship and and well-made entertainment beneath its trashy/bloody veneer.

FD4 has a few inspired moments to be sure (the fence, the finale, and the line "Yes! I OWN you, machine!" spring to mind), but ultimately these fail to add up to anything more substantial. The FD films have always been absurd but consistent, junk food but ambitious, unfortunately the over-use/horniness to embrace 3D as a substitute for creativity is FD4's biggest flaw.

In conclusion, Archie Bevins please join Facebook.

Vide!


*Ed Note
Please note the comments for this video, as they appear on YT:

Everyone go out and buy the House of House remix, Gaslamp's 10" and Eli's new record.

"THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING INDEPENDENT MUSIC." -The first thing Michna ever said to me

SIIIIIICKKKK

Simian Mobile Disco is comprised of 2 goddamn geniuses. Even from their humble beginnings as Simian they were always first and foremost producers of pop, not dance. Then Justice came along and zeitgeisted We Are Your Friends, and BAM Simian found themselves in a unique position to capitalize. But, unlike The Heights, The Rembrandts, Jesse Camp, Canibus, Carcetti, Judson Laipply, Kid Cudi or Rob Liefeld, SMD were ready for the big time, took advantage of this attention, and started doing amazing things because [see first sentence].

Even before their first full length came out they did the LCD thing and flooded the bloggonets with dozens of consistently high quality remixes, injecting their very VERY nerdy/melodic/bleep blop bloop blorpy aesthetic into everything they did. I don't know who Tahiti 80 or Diefenbach are, and I only barely remember who the Klaxons are (ha ha suck it 2006) but I remember SMD's remixes (remices?) for them fondly. Attack Decay Scott Storch Relapse was a fantastic album, perfectly packaged as a 10 song LP, with all the songs shaved down to pop length (but released as extendo versions on the 12s). They used vocals sparingly but effectively (I Believe = best song) and mostly allowed the album to show off their impressive Herbie Hancockesque keyboard collection.

I have no idea why they are not huger. They are pretty huge within the bubble I live in but let's face it, the world is a giant place and Chad Kroeger sleeps shirtless on a bed of Canadian money.

[/horrible]

ANYWAYS

"I say that to say this" -Worst Transition Ever

SMD's new album Temporary Dong-Cow came out 2 weeks ago and it's really really fucking good. Not perfect, but really really fucking good. They do 10 tracks again, 7 of which are collaborations with different vocalists, 2 of which are instrumental, and 1 of which has a Todd Rundgren vocal sample. I was originally afraid that SMD would fall down the Ewan Pearson Rabbit Hole and have their production outshine whatever random vocal talent is singing/rapping at that moment (which does happen), but because [first sentence], it only happens twice.

And actually what emerges is similar to Chocolate & Cheese, where everything is pushing out as far away from the center as possible but it all comes from the same place.

You know, like a teepee.

V.v.V

SMD does everything I like about music:

• They understand pop's ability for what Garry Mulholland calls The Moment -- that fleeting perfect moment where everything Golden-Triangles together and creates something transcendent
  
• They love vocal harmonies and have a strong but not immediately obvious psyche influence
  
• They exploit electronic music's ability to build and subtract an infinite number of layers of bleep blop bloop blorpy and melody
  
• They maintain the entire time that electronic music -- empirically always made by guys with glasses -- must always remain weird because it's made by some dudes who sit around twirling knobs

So I was understandably very excited to hear the first single Audacity of Huge. I first heard it on some kid's blog and he said something like "I love this so much I listened to it 70,000 times" and then he posted the lyrics. DO NOT READ THE LYRICS. SPOILER ALERT they will spoil the song because they are super dumb and even though I am now officially addicted to this song and play it over and over again, I do this while willfully ignoring the purposefully idiosyncratic fake Beck verses. I don't know who the dude singing is (Chris Keating from Yeasayer more like Mistreating [my ears] from Gaybrayer) but I read that SMD specifically were going for "characterful voices rather than technical perfection" so there you go. Either way it doesn't matter because the song is catchy as fuck and I can't stop listening to it.



ps- if you're curious, take a look at the official video, which is very colorful/nice but lacks the relentless boner-giving power of their first.

See you Thursday:



If anyone needs me beforehand, I'll be chanting FIRE IT UP FIRE IT UP over and over again in front of the theater.

EDIT:
Many have expressed confusion/doubt when I tell them that I (mostly) unironically have a giant boner to see The Final Destination. I firmly believe that it is an excellent series and that, in order to fully appreciate how wonderfully dumb and full of "OH SHIT"s this film has, you MUST see it in 3-D, in Times Square, surrounded by the human condition, at the very first showing. The medium, as they say, is the message.

STUDIO EXEC: Hey Christopher Nolan, now that you've made 700 Jillion dollars off Dark Knight, why don't you slow down, or take a break, or start hacking out some crap like Dr Magorium's Wonder Emporium 2: Childlike Wonder To The Edge Of Reason?

JESUS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: Oh I don't know, American. That seems so... gauche. I mean, my brother is literally a genius. Plus you only have one life to live on this planet, so I'd rather build a lasting legacy of amazing films. Even though Batman Begins was, let's face it, not that great. But whatever! I mean, after Dark Knight I have so much creative leeway that I can literally make a Gigli sequel and people will let me. Anyways, I still have Hans Zimmer's phone # on auto-dial so I might as well use it, eh?

STUDIO EXEC: Um, great! We'll send you the paperwork for your re-imagining of Care Bears the live action movie, then?

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: No. I'd rather make a movie about FUCKING THOUGHTCRIME



WHAT and also OMG

*via paul scheer

Notes:

1. Jonathan Nolan did not write this.

2. Fucking Ellen Page and Ken Watanable are in this?

Yeah... This is a little too amazing. BLOG-WORTHY! Is this what gave Mike Myer's his inspiration for Lothar of the Hill People? And while we're at it, here's an Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer sketch just for good measure.

Can ~ I Want More / ...And More

Dear Theo Parish:

I don't get it.

Is it because I don't smoke pot?

"Is it because I'm black Chinese?" -Syl Johnson

Is it because I'm an old man?

Sincerely,
The 21 Gun Salute

LCD Soundsystem '45:33' (Theo Parrish Remix)(DFA) by cmjct

Woods has shown us how a song being used so perfectly in a film that nobody can ever touch it again constitutes Definitive Use. Vide “Hurdy Gurdy Man” in Zodiac: from the moment of its usage, it is as synonymous with the Zodiac killer as John Williams’ Jaws theme is with the shark itself. Why? Because a) Zodiac is a brilliant film and a work of total genius and b) as a corollary to this, the song is perfectly employed in brilliant sequences, and can therefore never be used again.

HOWEVER: When a great song is used in a terrible movie, the process is the same (albeit in reverse): The greatness of the song renders the scene in which it was used profoundly terrible; subsequently, the song is ruined for future film-makers and – in many cases – for musical performers and listeners, thus also constituting Definitive Use (noted meme). Allow me to explain, you yabbo...

LEONARD COHEN’s HALLELUJAH in WATCHMEN:
The Paradigmatic Reversal of Definitive Use

Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah has always been a tragically misunderstood song: Whereas it is actually - to quote my friend Lindsey - a "scathingly ironic" song, filled with hatred, bile, and bitterness – it is generally perceived by the dunder-headed as being a song of beauty, grace, and redemption.

It was ruined the first time by Jeff Buckley, noted handsome guy (and second only to Radiohead as the go-to “favorite musical artist” of people who live in Connecticut and have never heard music).


Mr. Buckley sang the song as if it was written by Thomm Yorkie, or somebody else with no sense of dramatic irony. It was then sung/loved/utterly misunderstood by countless dumb-dumbs and used in countless dumb-dumb movies and network television shows, including the O.C. – as placed by Alexandra Patsavas.

This whole goddamned farce finally comes full circle with the terrible terrible film Watchmen, in which the WORST SEX SCENE EVER is set to the original Leonard Cohen recording.

And thus and so, Zack Snyder ("visionary"/"cretinous" director of 300) drives the final nail into the coffin: Not only can Hallelujah no longer be used in movies, it can't even be sung or listened to.


Indeed, as Cohen himself said after moviegoers and critics gasped at its tasteless use in Watchmen: "I think it's a good song, but too many people sing it."

Thus, Hallelujah in Watchmen constitutes Definitive Use.

“But wait,” you might say. “Watchmen (noted terrible film) employs countless other huge songs, like Times They Are a Changing and All Along the Watchtower! Does this not also count as Definitive Use?”

“No, you idiot,” I might reply. “Christ, I don’t even know where to begin. First off: Nobody should be using those songs in the first place. They are way so huge, so laden with cultural/epochal zeitgeist baggage that they are ALWAYS bigger than the movie that they are in, and can never be co-opted.”

“Second of all,” I might hypothetically go on to say, “the scenes in which they appear, although terrible, do not even BEGIN to compare in offensiveness to the ludicrous monstrosity that is the sex scene in WATCHMEN. Have you seen it? It is excruciating. In fact it can only be compared in ridiculousness to the sensual clay-rubbing, sex scene between Patrick Swayze and Shia Laboof in GHOST. Which, come to think of it, was set to the song Unchained Melody, yet another wonderful song which was Definitively Used (i.e. ruined for film-makers and listeners) by a hideous film in a nauseatingly repulsive sequence.”

(editor's note: get caught up on the Hindu/Jew flame war here)

I might then send an instant message to HIDEOUSHINDU77 that would read as such:

This is called Definitive Use.

"Definitive Use is now a perfectly valid thing to say and not sound pretentious. It is also now an internet meme and wonderful game to play with your friends."
-The 21 Gun Salute

For this we can thank Alexandra Patsavas (and I guess, to a lesser extent, Scorcese)!

CTOWN: Go Daddy-O from Swingers

HARRIS: Lust For Life from Trainspotting

BRI-GUY: Hurdy Gurdy Man from Zodiac

HIDEOUSHINDU77: Unchained Melody from Ghost

DRE: Heart & Soul from Big

ARCHIE BEVINS: In Dreams from Blue Velvet

ps- see also: Definitive Use Reversal

Elvis in the Bayou: http://bit.ly/19IgOc #musicmonday

Frank Sinatra is the best.

I was in the West Village yesterday and wandered into this record store. Take a look at the way these records are organized -- it's complete fucking chaos if you are specifically looking for something, but if you just want to browse a little bit, it's the best system ever:






Like... what? How is this a system? How does this make sense to anyone who doesn't own the store? I was like "do you have Begin Here by the Zombies" and they were like "let's check 60s vocal pop/British, or New Arrivals, or the Argent section. Or we can check Top 40 Pop, 60s-70s, and if it's not in there, we can always check the Zombies section."

I didn't win.

STYX ~ THE GREATEST SONG EVER WRITTEN

ps- If it was available on cassingle and CD maxi disc you can bet I'd own it on that too, SON