BY ARCHIE BEVINS

SHOCK: The Public Abuse & Humiliation of Kelly Clarkson at the hands of Max Martin (noted producer).

Readers of this site will already be familiar with Max Martin [HYPER LINK TO 21 gun entry!!], noted Swede pop producer/songwriter/genius, responsible for billions of hits. The most important of these songs is SINCE U BEEN GONE, best modern American popular song since "Shall We Gather at The River," or at least "Buffalo Stance."

He wrote it, Kelly Clarkson sang the living fuck out of it [link amazing live MTV footage of her barefoot in the rain], and the rest is history.

BUT was it history or......HER-story? Eh? You see, on her follow-up album, Kelly decided that she was going to liberate HERself from the yoke of oppression that is/was that dastardly cabal of behind-the-scenes,male, string-pulling (and plucking, natch) songwriters. I.e. she was going to abandon the hit-makers and WRITE HER OWN SONGS.

So she did just that, releasing "MY DECEMBER" in 2007. How successful was that album? Well, lets just say that I just had to look up the title in order to write that sentence, i.e. no, it was not successful -- it was a roundly repudiated flop.

And so it was that she came to reunite with Max Martin, who wrote and produced her new single MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITH YOU. Which brings us to...

MAX MARTIN's REVENGE

Clearly, Max was LIVID that Clarkson had abandoned him. In his eyes, he had made her a star, whilst she had looked a gift horse in the mouth as it were. He was, we might guess, tempted to say "I told you so," and refuse to write her another hit. But he was not going to punish her that way. Revenge is - as the Jews say - a dish best served lukewarm and overpriced.

Thus and so he delivered the coldest revenge: He forced her - in front of millions, and in her own lovely singing voice - to state to the world that she was a fool ever to have doubted him, and that she is utterly worthless garbage if and when she is not being controlled by his capable hands.

The first part of the lyrics are written directly from Martin's perspective:
"Guess this means you're sorry/You're standing at my door/Guess this means you take back/All you said before...Said you'd never come back/But here you are again."

But in the second part, he writes her a script of what he wants her to say TO HIM. She reads it under duress, like when John McCain read an anti-American speech written for him by the VietCong who held a gun to his head:

"...I was stupid for telling you goodbye...Either way, I found out I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU."

See what I'm getting at here? The real song title is "I, Kelly Clarkson, suck at music without YOU, Max Martin, at the HELM," or "MY CAREER is virtually nonexistent or at least rife with shitty, non-hit songs, without MAX MARTIN as songwriter of the first 3 singles."

HISTORY vs. HERSTORY: Is Max Martin justified, or is this a dreadful affront to a sweet young Christian's dignity?

What are to make of all of this? On the one hand, credit where credit is due: Max Martin is clearly a genius, and non-Max Martin Kelly Clarkson songs are mostly bad.

HOWEVER, Mr. Martin shouldn't get too big for his britches, and young (actually not so much anymore) Kelly deserves credit. Did you know that "SINCE U BEEN GONE" was originally written for PINK i.e. ugly ugly female impersonator who cannot sing and has no charisma? Without Kelly's impressive American Idol range and sweet lil face, nobody would ever have known or liked that song!! Also, "Because of You" from BREAKAWAY, which she wrote, is really not that bad.

Plus, Max Martin has written tons of shitty songs for tons of other shitty pop artists that never made a dent (i.e. loads of Britney songs that I've never even heard of).

So they've both got a point, which Martin himself all but admits: "I know that I've got issues/But you're pretty messed up too."

IN CONCLUSION: Martin's not totally off-base, but he was still way too harsh and sadistic on this one. ALSO, the new song is no "SINCE U BEEN GONE" by any stretch -- it sounds like a bad knock-off of that classic, and its actually kind of bad. So fuck you, Max Martin. How dare you?!?!?!

THE END


My Life Would Suck Without You lyrics
Guess this means you're sorry
You're standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
All you said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you'd never come back
But here you are agaiin
'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin' to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you

'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Being with you
Is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn't miss you
But I can’t let you go
Oh yeah

'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

I started half-reading Fear Of Music by Garry Mulholland as bedtime literature recently. It's pretty well-written, plus he's black and british so that's 2 merit badges already. I mean, he's basically Eddy Grant! This book is a follow-up to another book he wrote called This Is Uncool, which was a catalog of his all-time 500 singles since punk and disco. Actually, Uncool is really good. Especially at the time of me reading it I was really interested in stuff he was covering and it was basically how I found out about the Undertones, Josef K etc. Also he's an entertaining writer and genuinely loves all this great new wave shit so it's always great to read someone else write on and on about 15 different Smiths singles.

Anyways Fear Of Music covers Mulholland's 250+ favorite full length LPs since punk and disco, and while I'm skipping the sections about why the first Au Pairs album is great (not interested, ladies!), I am finding out stuff like how Sound Affects is supposed to be the best Jam album, and that the reissued version of Singles Going Steady has 4 tracks not on the original pressing. Also I'm finding out that Chic produced the Diana Ross debut LP and she was so pissed about being mixed low (she likened it to singing backup to the production on her own album) that she demanded a remixing of the whole thing and Chic was all "fine take our names off the credits then." I guess this is pretty common folklore among the disco heads but it's news to me. Also whatever, I'm Chinese and didn't grow up with that album, and I figured "Upside Down" and "I'm Coming Out" are all I really need to know from it.

So I was looking online for the Diana LP and came across this great article on Popdose which breaks down all the ways in which Diana Ross is a heartless shrew by Matthew Bolin. I don't know who this writer is, but (gay voice) you simply MUST read his other blogs!!!

Here's a dude who reviews Don Henley, Todd Rundgren, and Danzig albums, and also does a feature called All Wham! All Weekend. DUDE STOP TWISTING MY ARM WE CAN BE BEST FRIENDS

"When Good Albums Happen To Bad People: Diana Ross" by my BFF Matthew Bolin

Oh yeah, this led me to Googs'ing the deluxe version of the Diana LP, and I found out this reissue from 2003 has the original Chic unreleased mix of the whole album! You can get it here via D-Trax.

So after a suitably cheeseburger-fueled Memorial Day weekend I have finally gotten back around to burning some records. I totally got a new appreciation for cheesey italo jams and freestyle, after playing some records at Lloyd's BBQ with Duane, Stache, Sterryo, Rok, Porkchop etc. Stache if you're reading this I WANT that sandwich song.

JAMZ!

Pretenders ~ Kid (Extended Remix)
Chryssie Hynde still wins at the foxy, junkie-loving, once-bitten twice-shy MILF-faced haggard chick with the best 80s voice there is. I never knew there was a 12 for this but apparently that's why Chad Kroeger Jesus invented vinyl.

Doves ~ Kingdom Of Rust (Still Going RMX)
I've literally never had any desire to listen to the Doves before this but this Still Going remix is super moody and extends the bassline (presumably?). It's more on the atmospheric side. Plus I don't know if any of you guys have heard the Rub N Tug mix of Coldplay (???) but it's REALLY GOOD.

Milke ~ Love Get Out Of My Way (Daniel Wang Dub)
If you read Daniel Wang's bio on Ghostly it basically says he's living the fabulous life in Germany, dancing til God knows what o'clock, doof doof doofing his life away with a bunch of leather laced Germanic statues of men. This is all well and good, after all the dude gave us Like Some Dream I Can't Stop Dreaming, but come on, get some more music out there! MAKE IT HAPPEN MY AZN BROTHA anyways here's a dub he did of some who knows band/artist's who knows song.

"Me likey." -noted idiot hip-hop artiste/auteur Kanye West

because this is what happens when you used to call it:



...and this is what happens now:

As of this day, Thursday May 21 in the day of our Lord, these are my favorite jamz:

Kinks ~ Sunny Afternoon


***

Migmit ~ Of Birds Moons And Monsters (Holy Ghost RMX)


***

RCMP ~ Mustache Love

Are those the horns from "In The Bush"?

Everyone's real sad that the greatest show on earth is now over. No, Lost idiots, I'm not talking to your dumbasses, I'm talking to the cast of the Wire. You Lostos go huddle around a burning fire of confused fan commentary somewhere.

Wire people, the show is over and I know as actors you can't simply bow out gracefully and live the Thoreau life with grace and dignity. Recession etc. McNulty, I'm sorry Punisher War Journal happened, just as I am to "Stringy" that Obsessed happened, or to Omar that Gone Baby Gone happened. But one of the many many things that made the Wire incredible was the use of "diagetic sound" (one dollar word!). When they played that bland Sheryl Crow song or whatever in the bar at the end of Season 2 it wasn't because Alexandra Patsavas was combing through her favorite shitty CDs, or because miserable unpaid Bunim Murray intern somehow managed to get his favorite song on the air, it was because THIS IS THE LAME MUSIC THAT PLAYS IN LAME BARS.

This is why the Wire soundtrack CD was a bad idea. Yes it's cool to hear the Domaje version of Down In The Hole, and the Technics song that played in the background while Bodie shotguns Cutty and goes "shit is ONNNNN" is amazing, but do I really need all these spoken word excerpts? Is this a Quentin Tarantino film? There's like a song by the Sharpshooters on there? Ha ha you guys suck, sorry Mr Supreme but the Sharpshooters are like a fake British acid jazz clusterfuck with even shittier rappers. Anyways:

music from the Wire in the context of the Wire = the greatest, music from the Wire not in context = the worst.

By this equation, music made by Wire people after the Wire = the ultimate worst:

STRINGER

(in Twoface voice) NAAOOOOOOAOOAOAOAOO!
There are SO MANY THINGS wrong with this video you guys. I know it's not like Stringy put it up himself but JESUS CHRIST. The imagery is fucking google image/I'm feeling lucky'd and why does the song take 2 full minutes to start? And why is there 3 minutes of black at the end? And also CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT STRINGY'S GODDAMN RAPPING FOR A MINUTE? "Rees-pohn-si'ility!" Ugg.

NAMOND
This is a real find actually. Kyle told me about this and there used to be a YT clip of Julito McCullum in his buddy's house freestyling/joking but it's no longer up. My guess is because he got clowned so hard that the only way to preserve dignity was to quietly sweep it under the rug (a lesson HannaH's Field has yet to learn). But sadly, the more likely truth is that he took it down because he didn't want to give away the fire for free and that jokey rapping inspired him to spend a lot of money and time recording a real hip hop song.

Namond Brice ~ The Wire

This is not unlike what would happen if the fictional Namond Brice tried to become a rapper in the Wire? Hmmm? Except... Julito gave himself the rap name Namond. And he's really bad at rapping. And people are probably all making fun of him and it probably makes him just want to go home and play video games to forget. Like, has life just STOPPED TRYING to hide the fact that it imitates art I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS



DANIELS
*click on "musician" and prepare for that thing you once called your mind to spill out of your ears. I know it takes awhile to load, but I promise you it's worth it. Would I lie to you, or for that matter, would YOUR OWN EYES???


So. One smooth light jazz R&B track trumps 5 seasons of the Wire. Good to know.

SLIM CHARLES
Actually Slim Charles gets a free pass because he was doing this for a while.

"I know some clubs that would wreck y'all" -The guy who got his cousin to kill D'Angelo (spoiler alert D'Angelo gets killed)

STEVE EARLE
But not you, Steve Earle! Yeah you're not exempt just because you're a legitimate musician and you're white, son! The autotuned atrocity season 5 theme song was ugly. But not as ugly as your walrus face! And there's a DJ playing with him too LOLz.

Sometimes I wish everyone would pull a Michael Hogan and be all "judge me on the merits of my acting in the show. And NOTHING ELSE. You're getting nothing else from me you frakking jackals."

I haven't made a mix in a minute, so I put together some records that I've been really into recently. The majority of these records are from 1984 and this was mixed mostly live from vinyl.

FIRST TIME AROUND '84

TRAXX

Steve Winwood ~ Freedom Overspill (Liberty Mix)
Art Of Noise ~ Legacy (Extended Version)
I Level ~ In The River (M&M Mix)
Wang Chung ~ Dance Hall Days (US Club Edit)
Rene & Angela ~ I'll Be Good (Dub)
Change ~ Change Of Heart
Billy Ocean ~ Loverboy (AOR Mix)
Bruce Springsteen ~ Cover Me (Arthur Baker Dub)
Rolling Stones ~ Under Cover Of The Night (Extended Version)
Konk ~ What U Want / DJ Mixers
OMD ~ Talking Loud & Clear (Extended Version)
Klein & MBO ~ MBO Theme (Members Only Edit)
Jakki ~ Sun, Sun, Sun (DJ Duke Edit)
Skyy ~ First Time Around

Here's a clip I produced about the Jabbawockeez (aka winner of mario lopez pants off dance off show) for my job:



*special thanks to pase & eli who let me use So Fucking Disco

Holy shit how good is Pitbull. Everything he puts out is pretty much guaranteed to be awesome. I don't know at what point I realized that he = the man but once I figured it out every single track was like gold x gold (gold squared). It was like the quadratic formula of Pitbull's amazingness. He has that perfect charisma that allows him to get away with saying some of the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard, which is also basically the only important thing an MC needs. Where's 4AM Jess I know she will chime in with delight:


Never stop Pitbull. You are the best.

I'm in Miami Bitch (RMX)
*literally the only good part in this song is Pitbull

I Know You Want Me (Extended English Version)
*one of the many best parts of this song is that weird recurring beep sound that comes in all the time

Hi beloved readers, I apologize for this slow blogging week. I was working/shooting something with the Jabbawockeez (y'heard it correck!) and watching the worst film of all time Wolverine. Has anyone else seen this pile of nonsense? The Onion called it "worse than Elektra and Daredevil combined" which is saying a lot. Sometimes we comic dorks have to walk the lonely path. I knew this movie was going to be the biggest abortion in abortion history but I had no idea how preposterous it was. It was really, really preposterous. SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH IT! There's not one but TWO overhead shots of Wolverine looking up at the sky screaming "NOOOO!" (one of them is him as a KID! and the other one is reprised in a flashback! so technically three!)

UGH so anyways if anyone's around tonight I'm playing at Savalas in BK with Rok One and Blu Jemz. Rok One is 99% an awesome DJ (except for that one time. we won't discuss that one time) and Jemz would get more props from me if he ever had me on his radio show. Ha! JK Rowling Jemz no but seriously get me on your show.

So to apologize for putting up zero songs this week here's a bunch for the weekend:

Traks / Long Train Runnin (Ballroom Edit)
An old jam but I finally recorded it from vinyl (in strongbad voice) SOOO GOOOOOOOD

La Roux / In For The Kill (Skream Get Ravey RMX)
I normally hate new music. But I like this!

Pase & Eli / So Fucking Disco
Yes this song came out 17 years ago but whatever I've been listening to it nonstop recently. That thing I'm cutting with the Jabbawockeez (y'heard it correck!) is going to feature this song I think.

Stroer / Don't Stay Till Breakfast
*by request

Oh yeah I was perusing the traffic to this site recently, checking how people are linked/referred here, and found much to my chagrin how a bunch of you yabbos end up on this site:



Come on you guys, you seriously are coming to my site by googling 3OH!3 lyrics??? Seriously? I guess thanks Sumer for keeping me relevant but dude! No! Unacceptable!

I prefer you come to this site by googling this:

So to continue my on and off again evaluations of my fave stores in NY to buy records, I wanted to spotlight where you should NOT go. I hate going to record fairs and seeing the old school dealers who have 70,000 Beatles records. Actually I like going to those guys because they have a bunch of disco 12s on the floor for a dollar each. If you're ever not sure about whether or not a store is worth spending time in, a pretty good yardstick is checking how much they sell Fleetwood Mac Rumours for. Typically this record can go from $2 to $12 pretty fairly I'd say. This is for a solid listening copy that's not in mint but definitely not beaten up, with the poster insert included. Since this record sold a drillion copies, it's pretty much everywhere so you just need to find a relatively clean one which is easy.

Do NOT waste your time in a store where this happens:

SRSLY dude? $40? I concur that this is the greatest record ever but I mean come on who are you fooling here. This is a $5 record. Unless it happens to have a signed note from Stevie Nicks' doctor to her ballet instructor saying "Stevie can't do ballet class today because she literally did so much blow that dude SHE COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT" no jury would convict you for guffawing loudly in the store.

What's worse:

Dude! $20 for an ABBA greatest hits? Yeah it's gatefold SO WHAT! Ugh. This is a $2 record, tops. Am I getting bent out of shape for this? Mountain out of molehill etc? I don't think so. This is like garden variety record store 101 etiquette. KNOW WHAT YOUR RECORDS ARE WORTH. Economics = supply VS demand. Even I know this.

Conclusion: best store in NY still = A1: