Who put together this ultimate 80s rock playlist. Play these songs while you're doing anything and you instantly are in the middle of a montage sequence. 
RIP Virgin Megastore. I guess Record Store Day was so successful that all the beardos and mom & pop stores have finally David & Goliath'd you. I'm sad emoticon. The Megastore in Union Square was one of my favorite places to go. You can easily waste 2 hours in there and not buy a thing.
Where else can you see the new issue of the Source with Eminem on it, read the tracklisting for the Joy Division box set, buy season 2 of the Wire, watch the only good part of Dumbo, buy POV volume 4: Cock Guzzlers, and listen to the new Muse album or whatever all in one place?
Also they have a DJ there and that is just inherently funny.
So I walked around and as a last hurrah (so long, Virgin Megastore VIP Reward Bucks card!) I spent a bunch of money on some shit I don't need:
Best Bill Murray movie evar.
OK you fucking yabbos beloved readers. NO GODDAM SPOILERS IN THE COMMENTS I haven't seen season 4.5 yet. (In Akira/Kaneda voice "DO YOU HEAR MEEEEYA!")
The 2nd volume of the Elaste space disco comp on vinyl. Don't be fooled by the cover! It's not mixed! I checked the discogs on my iphone before I bought it! I love my iphone!
The EP from Ewan Pearson's Piece Works comp with that 27 minute Cortney Tidewell track on it:
Also this is awesome, they're releasing all the old Radiohead CD singles on 12" vinyl? On 180g? Pressed at 45? Forget all that OK Computer nonsense, now you can finally get their 2 best songs on 12:
Fake Plastic Trees!
OMG Creep OMG!!!11!1!!1one!!!1
Bonus LOL: Thomme Yourkeee when he was in his grunge phase:
Nice Cell Tshirt, Radiohead member that isn't Thomme Yourkeee, Christopher Walken, Phillip Seymour Hoffman or that other guy with sunglasses!
RIP Beat Street in the Fulton St Mall. That place is closed right? As far as I was concerned that place was da truest essence of hip hop in its essence for real. I went there after the Black Album came out and this guy who was like head of the hip hop section sat there explaining the lyrics to Moment of Clarity to some kids who didn't get it, and he was all big and making pronouncements from his throne and I thought "wow I truly am in da heart. I hope some Queensbridge dudes don't come in here and start a realness brawl" (actual literal thoughts).
I found all my hip hop shit there back when I had to go find "Ain't that Funny (Ja Rule remix)" on vinyl, and I also picked up all the boots of classic records I was too Chinese to have grown up listening to. As a side note, let me just say that it kills me whenever old school dudes say "that's a classic right there" re: 80s R&B boogie jams. Not to me it wasn't. I didn't grow up listening to Alicia Myers and Shalamar.
Let me just say that anyone who owns any records on the House Party label may recognize that the shittiness of their design runs completely opposite to how perfectly their records are mixed. I have no idea what they did when they pressed these bootlegs but they pressed them FUCKING LOUD and the EQs are all perfect. There's one for Zhane and another for Mase and some others I don't remember but after a while I started buying everything on House Party just because I knew it would sound really good on a loud system.
I'm trying to think what other records are pressed real good. The 12 of Oliver Cheatham's "Get Down Saturday Night" is super loud. Kano "I'm Ready" is pretty perfectly EQ'd too. Haha actually In Da Club is pretty perfectly mixed too I think. Unlike "Toxic" on which the highs are near ear-splitting levels. Anyways here's 2 Bee Gees tracks, they're mixed SO GOOD YOU GUYS:
Bee Gees ~ Night Fever / Stayin Alive (Loud as hell House Party levels)
Let me just say that anyone who owns any records on the House Party label may recognize that the shittiness of their design runs completely opposite to how perfectly their records are mixed. I have no idea what they did when they pressed these bootlegs but they pressed them FUCKING LOUD and the EQs are all perfect. There's one for Zhane and another for Mase and some others I don't remember but after a while I started buying everything on House Party just because I knew it would sound really good on a loud system.
I'm trying to think what other records are pressed real good. The 12 of Oliver Cheatham's "Get Down Saturday Night" is super loud. Kano "I'm Ready" is pretty perfectly EQ'd too. Haha actually In Da Club is pretty perfectly mixed too I think. Unlike "Toxic" on which the highs are near ear-splitting levels. Anyways here's 2 Bee Gees tracks, they're mixed SO GOOD YOU GUYS:
Bee Gees ~ Night Fever / Stayin Alive (Loud as hell House Party levels)
When I was in like 12th grade? I had a mixtape called "MAKE OUT" that was literally 2 hours of make out music. Oh man I totally have to find it because it is a WINRAR and features not only retrospectively great make out music (soul/ella & louie/portishead) but also some cringe-inducing not-aging-well timepieces too (DJ Shadow, Ani Difranco? There must have been). Also it was when I was like just beginning to make decisions about buying music so a lot of the songs were super obvious. It was like "NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MAKING OUT WITH AN ASIAN VOLUME 1!" Track 1 Side 1 however, was Otis Redding's "These Arms Of Mine," which I still stand by. He's literally crying over how bad he wants to make out with you!
In fact, Otis Redding is so inarguably the man that anyone who attempts to argue otherwise needs to be bludgeoned to death and have his/her grave stomped/pee'd on. My only real standard for judging soul singers is how well they straddle the duality of fire in the belly and hands in the air screeching VS soft quiet times my heart is slowly breaking because girl you don't understand how much I hate/love you.
By that measure, James Brown is also inarguably the man but I mean that has been proven so consistently empirically (wow an adverb can apparently modify an adverb) that he's bordering on Led Zeppelin/Bob Marley/Jimi Hendrix territory.
TANGENT
I shit on Bob Marley often, usually resorting to the argument that it's nothing inherently against his music but what his music has become. Basically,
Bob Marley = Bob Marley's music = what is playing when beer-chugging cargo pants do bong rips and rape
I also make this argument against Jimi Hendrix. Saki who is a noted genius said that most people like me who make this argument would have a significantly less strong foothold if only Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix wore form-fitting suits. This is actually totally true and in fact reveals the artifice of my opinions. If Bob Marley wore an awesome black suit and tie I would not make fun of him at all.
[/TANGENT]
Charles Wright also does this, except I think he's more into social equality/racial unity than about getting sweet sweet lady action. This raises the Scott Pilgrim quandary: does this mean he's on the moral high ground, or just a pussy?
I SAY THAT TO SAY THIS (worst transition ever)
In order to qualify the best soul singer, you have to qualify both sides of their soulitude, ie their belly fire and their why god why fire (be it relative to scorned love or ending racism). To that end, I will still stand by "These Arms Of Mine" for Otis' Why God Why side, and also state that this is his best Lawd Get Off Your Feet And Stomp side:
OTIS REDDING ~ I CAN'T TURN YOU LOOSE (punker than fuck live version)
When you listen to it, note the distorted everything! It's like Strychnine but with even more blown out horns!
BONUS (in british accent) BARNSTORMER!
Merry Clayton ~ Gimme Shelter
Compare and contrast, now with studio magic!
Beyonce performing "If I were A Boy" on the Today Show.
Beyonce performing "If I Were A Boy" board feed, as she actually literally sang it live.
Conclusion: Beyonce cannot sing.
Yaz rules. Also, the sky is blue. I would be hard pressed to admit that Situation > Only You, because Only You > Everything. But let's be honest here I'm not always in the mood to light candles in my bathtub and weep into my soap, so maybe Only You is not the best song? Don't Go is basically Situation pt 2, and Bad Connection/Bring Your Love Down are both amazing but not as well known. Ultimately, it goes back to the ugly but usually accurate rule that the most well-known song by a band is their best (sucks to be YOU, After the Fire, Alien Ant Farm, the Goops, Tiffany, William Hung, and Inoj!). With that in mind, here's three different versions (all awesome) of Situation that you can pick and choose to play depending on the...
...wait for it...
...
...situation.
Zing has sprung!
The second book from the Lord Of The Zings trilogy, Return of the Zing!
Maverick, you can be my zingman any time! Bullshit! You can be mine!
Go to zoni.com to learn Zinglish!
Captain Kirk, the Zingons are approaching!
These foolish zings remind me of you!
Zing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye!
Let's download the Zingbats font!
Zhu Qiyu, emperor from the Zing Dynasty!
Zing Zing the Panda (RIP)!
Zing Crosby & Nat Zing Cole singing AmaZing Grace!
Zing the mothafuckin ruckus!
I'm gonna do so many drugs at BurnZing Man this year!
SITUATION 3PACK
*includes US 12" mix, Joey Negro edit, and re-recorded remix version
This is my new favorite song.
Dirty Projectors & David Byrne ~ Knotty Pine
I can't stop listening to it, nor can I stop singing the first line to myself when not listening to it.
*via Brian
This video is totally embeddable but I'm not going to embed it, BECAUSE the still in the embedded video gives something away and it's better you just watch it without knowing, and also you should get a little exercise and move your mouse slightly and click the link.
Douchebag Sings & Dances to Rollin by Limp Bizkit
*via funny or die
Oh man you know what sucks? Growing up relatively pornless and having to be subjected to Steven Tyler's weird fucked up versions of sexuality as a way to see nubile ladies. I did not actually WANT to see Eddie Furlong's trannie teacher but Steven Tyler WANTS me too so now I apparently know about the dangers of pedophiliac cross-dressers.
Steven Tyler is many things, but he is not sexy.
Before I would call him sexy I would call him:
Vice President in the house of Slytherin
A Hunter S Thompson version of Mick Jagger
A beef jerky stretched-out-on-a-rack version of Billy Idol (who is himself already made out of leather)
An Austin Powers wig over a set of wax lips
I was washing my dishes today and wanted to ironically listen to Cryin so I put it on. Bad idea, myself! It's not unlike when I ironically joined the Facebook group "Chad Kroeger From Nickelback Is So Hot I Could Eat Him With A Spoon!" and then had Nickelback-related direct advertising pop up in my FB browser. I basically punk'd myself. But still, where else would I get to see such gold:
(note that they are all YouTube kitten video loving housewives)Anyways, I was cheerily washing my dishes when I realized that Aerosmith is the worst band of all time. Not even the detachment armor of Irony can defend me against how fucking hideous they are. Big stadium rock! Blistering blues riffs! Harmonicas and horns, to reflect their creative time in New Orleans, presumably! After the 47th chorus in Cryin I was like "Jesus Christ I'm dyin to let you STFU" and of course I immediately went online to watch a bunch of Aerosmith videos. I learned that what gives Steven Tyler boners is in fact what gives 12 year olds boners. Summarily, these things are: Alicia Silverstone, virtual reality, tattoos, howling at the moon, and his own daughter. I agree this is a pretty good list, but if they really wanted to zero in on the 12 year old demo, they should have added sports, gatorade and dry-humping. Here is a journey, a triptych LOTR view into the crotch of Steven Tyler.
ACT I: Cryin
OK right off the bat Steven Tyler is saying that he is in fact, Alicia Silverstone. The entire premise of the video is that he is singing a narrative and Alicia Silverstone embodies his 20th century angst. This entire song is her POV and only Steven Tyler understands her unique pain. It's like Natalie Portman vis a vis the Shins.
00:11 WTF are you wearing Steven Tyler. Are you Valiant Comics' Shadowman?
2:06 Joe Perry does not equal Joe Jackson
3:32 Please just pause it here for a second and checkout Professor Lupin literally howling at the moon
4:07 OK. Alicia Silverstone is apparently Ong Bak, noted Muay Thai warrior
And WTF is this suicide thing? This plus the totally gay tattoos/belly piercings are all basically saying "hey kids a little rebellion is OK but seriously at the end of the day let's have some babies and procreate the species am I right am I right Joe Perry knows what I'm talking about"
ACT II: Amazing
00:37 Check out Neo over here. Mescaline is apparently not the only way to fly
00:41 Steven Tyler, noted lycanthrope, once again howling at the etc
1:00 Yeah this is a great idea Neo. Everyone knows that no one gets more pussasa than Matt Murdock or Romo Lampkin
1:08 Steven Tyler transforming into a werewolf once again, apparently inside a Cylon base star
2:05 "Life's a journey, not a destination." How oft I have repeated this very phrase to myself in my darkest times. It is in fact tattooed on my gonads
3:16 OK seriously why am I watching Stargate
3:52 Nevermind my previous statement above, dry-humping is actually involved
4:00 from this point onwards this video is a semiotic clusterfuck. What is even being said here. Alicia Silverstone (actually Steven Tyler as proven in the Cryin video) doesn't want to bone Neo because he spilled cola on his ergonomic keyboard. The earth parts beneath Joe Perry's feet but the cracks are in fact ravens that fly into the sky. Steven Tyler howls at the moon. Apparently sex is only safe in cyber space, an AIDS message this late in the video? Also, in cyber space they didn't even have sex, they just dry-humped.
4:26 Anubis and the alien from the end of AI turn into a DNA double helix strand. This goes on and on and by the time 4:56 arrives and the spaceship from Armageddon flies by I'm more fascinated than confused (but still definitely confused). Also they go sky surfing? Is this even a thing? Am I watching the Bucket List all of a sudden? AND AT THE END OMG YOU GUYS IT WAS ALICIA SILVERSTONE (Steven Tyler) PLAYING THE DUDE ALL ALONG!!!
ACT III: Crazy
According to Crazy, which is the apotheosis of Steven Tyler, this is what gives him boners: schoolgirls who show off their underwear (00:15), steal shit from Twizzler gnoshing yabbos (2:03), give boners to old men (1:36), and then cocktease the Bugle Boys Jeans guy (5:02).
There are several GLARING PROBLEMS, which are summarily:
1. Steven Tyler Is Alicia Silverstone (see: Act I)
2. Liv Tyler is Steven Tyler (3:51)
3. Alicia Silverstone (Steven Tyler) fucks Liv Tyler (Steven Tyler) (4:29)
Also I feel compelled to point out that all three of these songs are literally the same song.
I don't know anything about Gina X except for the fact that Zeus B. Held produced a bunch of her songs, including this gigantic coldwave deathsynth volley of icicles. Never have I wanted to be a German trans-gender post-op Grace Jones/Dolph Lundgren offspring bisexual Dr Freeze more:
Gina X ~ No G.D.M.
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