here on cracked.com
*via rok one
*img via Jude Buffum
Can't believe they left out my favorite from Canibus on "2nd Round KO":
"You ain't got the skills to eat a nigga's ass like me"
also my friend once said that the first gay rapper to get big should be named Delikit.
Here is a sample of the most intentionally hetero rap/R&B combo ever.
Nice & Smooth, politely asking a diva to funk her from behind (consensual!), and then proceeding to doing so, and the diva's reaction:
There was like 2 months when I was in college and I was like "you know what? I'm going to get into jazz flute."
Before you start throwing your wtfs at me allow me to defend myself by saying the only reason I did this was b/c I really liked the Sureshot sample and was like "this Jeremy whatever funky flute thing is cool" and then I started buying Herbie Mann CDs. (now that I actually typed that out it sounds much worse)
Anyways if I never had my ill-advised "jazz flute phase" then I never would have stumbled upon this amazing, amazing album:
Please ensure that your eyes are not encrusted by anything that may prevent them from viewing the following image, not that it would matter, because this would shine forth it's blinding God-light and disintegrate said encrusted things anyways
Oh wait, I almost forgot, you kind of need to have the title track "Push Push" playing as you read this post.
Allmusic states that this album is "generally appealing, melodic and danceable." What they mean is that this porn music is so over-the-top in its porny pornitude that even real porn music runs away in terror when it hears it. Oh yah, it's LITERALLY 10 MINUTES LONG.
OK so can we just stop and take this dude in for a minute? Aside from literally being Ron Burgundy, this is basically the creepiest thing I have ever seen in my life. He looks like he's about to lather his flute in KY jelly and plunge it repeatedly up your ass while blowing into it. That knowing smirk on his puss is so many levels beyond what any human should ever have to see. AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SEDUCTIVE!!! (file under: that part in Puff Puff Etc where HannaH goes "puff puff -pause- give" and it's supposed to be seductive and dangerous)
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG to get back to the heart of the matter may I remind you of the existence of this:
Let's delve a little deeper into this mystery.
What "good feelings" are you referring to, exactly, Herbie Mann? The "good feelings" of my mind being raped as I have no choice but to imagine your tumbleweed happy trail violating some poor woman from 1971 as you clutch your flute in your right fist, pounding the wall with your left? Those good feelings? The good feelings of me putting this on the turntable and proceeding to get laughed at by some woman for thinking this is even remotely appropriate music for the tender act of love-making?
Look at how many legitimately talented people are involved in this preposterousness!
Donald Duck Dunn, Ralph McDonald, Bernard Purdie, Duane Allman (talent is debatable)? Plus the 2 PS's are kind of a window into Herbie Mann's dip me in honey and throw me to the twinks mind: he loves What's Going On SO MUCH that he writes it in the PS like he's a high schooler writing a dedication in his yearbook.
Oh yeah did I mention that if you open the gatefold cover of the record it looks like this:
No your eyes do not deceive you, that is literally 2 bodies pounding away at each other, IN VELVET.
and in conclusion,
May I also say that no expense of bandwidth has been spared. Clicking on the picture makes it quite large.
i was just offered a tour with these kings among men
UPDATE: HEY 18 YEAR OLD, 3OH!3 is, in fact, a terrible band.
After months of g-chat/in person badgering from Sir Woody Fu, I am back as the youthful voice of The 21 gun salute.
Many thankless hours of interning have found me with ample time on the internet to obsessively read blogs that all seem to be obsessed with Animal Collective. Nevertheless, there were some gems burried deep in the adjectives and obscure literary references.
With that said, put on your Cold War Kids 2005 tour tshirt, and your "thats what she said" trucker hat and sit back and enjoy some tunes.
CASS MCCOMBS-THAT'S THAT
SOMEONE STILL LOVES YOU BORIS YELTSIN- I THINK I WANNA DIE
Whats great about new music is that every band member is really attractive. No more uglies clouding the art. Though the hair is magnificent.
Going through my records and finally beginning to throw out all my old club hip hop vinyl (later for YOU, worn-out doubles of Lean Back!) I realized with a start that I also have an assload of random 10"s. Here's my pick of the litter:
BRONSKI BEAT FT MARC ALMOND ~ I FEEL LOVE
Technically on paper this is amazing.
Technically on paper Pete Doherty and Scott Weiland should be dead.
I'm throwing this away.
BUTTHOLE SURFERS ~ PEPPER
I distinctly remember being real freaked out when this song came out. On one level I realized it was just a Loser rip-off, but on another level I was like "this song is about AIDS, man and that is WAY IN MY FACE." (not sure if Pepper is actually about AIDS or not)
DJ CAM ~ 2x10 #1
File under: Ha Ha Woody You Used To Like This Stuff But Hey You Know What All Music Is Valid In Its Own Way You Just Need To Appreciate The Context You Know?
ELASTICA ~ STUTTER
This is from one of my favorite rock albums of the 90s. One day I will lay out my full treatise about the 90s, but it basically comes down to "Man the 90s were probably the worst decade in the 20th Century for music, but I can't help but like it because it was the music of my youth." Still there are a few exceptions, like Pulp and Elastica. Elastica got away with it because they basically just ripped off Wire and the Stranglers but whatevs this song is awesome.
KID KOALA ~ SCRATCHAPPYLAND EP
This EP is I think a repressing of Kid Koala's original demo, the one he supposedly played for Coldcut in a van and got signed for. I don't remember what's on this but early Kid Koala tapes are by a rule totally rad. He would play More Beats + Pieces for like 10 minutes and mix in Del, Cypress Hill and Digable Planets.
BONUS! THIS 10" BY INDUCE
How awesome is this cover? It's homemade!
Dope dope dope disco jam with not one but TWO breakdowns that get super italo-y. I feel like Nelly Retardo saying this, but they sound like breaks Metro Area hasn't gotten around to sampling yet.
Barbara Roy ft Ecstasy, Passion & Pain ~ If You Want Me
Come on myself did you seriously buy this record?
It wasn't me
No but like even as a joke it's unacceptable. Is this like $4 funny? I hope you didn't spend more than $4 on this, myself.
It wasn't me
I hope you understand that this is why irony ultimately FAILS right?
It wasn't me
so on and so forth
Here's Edan's "Sprain Your Tapedeck" EP that came out way way way waaaaay back in 2001. Shit was so much crazier back then you know? Damn son. We used to put this on in the Lab a lot to the annoyance/pleasure of everyone, it's one of those records that you sort of hate and then start to want hearing all the time. In fact, "stealing is the WAY" was kind of my catchphrase for a little while. White rappers unite! Allen Roth or whatever your name is, be proud of who you are!
Edan ~ Sprain Your Tapedeck EP
*img via ugh viceland
In response to the wave of comments (essentially all just Archie Bevins cackling) in the previous Wall Of Jews post, I have changed the Wall Of Jews. I realized that my extremely cursory confirmation of whether or not Elvis Costello was one of the chosen people amounted to a 2 second googs search, which revealed this:
if you've already seen this then whoa you're so much viraler than me. I'm basically your mom emailing you about this because I heard about it on NPR:
Much disco drum goodness from this no duh group:
Erotic Drum Band ~ Action 78
Erotic Drum Band ~ Plug Me To Death
*come to APT tonight new yorkers!
*img via beltza scene vol.3
*good thing I'm literally listening to Alice in Chains right now.
anyone to correctly name everyone gets a free something or other
Went to the BK Record Riot today, which is named all counter cultural and social upheaval etcy but is actually just a bunch of bearded dudes crammed into Warsaw in Williamsburg. Going through the records I ended up buying I realized how much it all comes from learning about music through other people, so here's where I praise Jah (aka my friends) for teaching me about this many splendoured thing we call music.
10. THANKS TO Eli for turning me on to this Stevie Nicks jam (which is basically super obvious but I never heard it)
9. THANKS TO drunk white people for teaching me the true power of this song. Actually for dinner I had another revelatory moment where I was drinking a budweiser and eating wings at a bar and Bon Jovi came on the jukebox and I was like "I am literally the United State of America." It was not unlike the SNL sketch where Eddie Murphy gets dressed up in whiteface.
8. THANKS TO my high school friend Didi and kindlicious nugglings for making me aware that Pink Floyd is, while usually terrible, sometimes exactly what I want to hear. Even though record dudes will harp on and on about how Syd Barrett was a true Aleister Crowley dandy fop Gandalf wizard and See Emily Play is a psychedelic triumph of the senses, I still sometimes say "yeah but the Animals album is listenable occasionally" (I don't actually ever say this).
7. THANKS TO Final Destination for using John Denver as a recurring device for people who died on an airplane. This scene (at around 4:12) would have suffered immensely if James Wong had decided to use Buddy Holly or like Lynyrd Skynyrd.
6. THANKS TO Blu Jemz for schooling me on this amazing 80s disco smooth burner. SO GOOD
CHANGE ~ HOLD TIGHT
5. THANKS TO Rok One for showing me the YT clip of this truly awe-inspiring cringe festival.
4. THANKS TO Rok One again for schooling me that the OG to this mix is an old italo jam called "A Dog In The Night" by Mr Master.
KRIS MENACE ~ VOYAGE
3. THANKS TO Ms. Laura Lee for revealing to me that Battlestar is in fact the 2nd greatest show in the world (after the Wire duh). Actually, I only recently started watching the State and Freaks & Geeks so I guess I'm pretty much still smashing rocks together to start a fire.
2. THANKS TO Kyle for ummm I don't know being Jewish? I guess I would thank our relationship, which consists 90% of making fun of each others' ethnicity, that would actually prompt me to buy this record, so that I could give it to him as a joke? And that I actually kind of want to hear these songs? To understand the Jewish diaspora?
1. THANKS TO the Japanese for releasing their edit of this on COMBI.
*bonus! Speaking of the Japanese, yay for Roger Yamaha, who I'm convinced is the reason I know this song:
and the best part is his name is gabriel shalom.
michna-esque breakdown at around 2:25
I put this under "italo disco" in my itunes, and then I was like oh shit it's on Matra, noted Canadian label.
VERA ~ DON'T YOU WANT MY LOVE
Here's a couple records that are perfect to bring out as a DJ (if I still brought records out to DJ, which I don't). The reason they're perfect should be pretty obvious, the A side and the B side both rule!
and as a bonus, the 2 for 1 rule doesn't really apply to this record, but I'm putting it up because it's the best Blondie 12" cover ever (yes, that includes you, Atomic!)
Here's my phoned-in embedded video blog post for the weekend. It's awesome.
I like how dude re-recorded the vocals to the LION VERSION OF THE THEME SONG amazing.
Here's 2x great disco instrumentals that I finally got around to burning. The first one is Rafael Cameron's Boogie's Gonna Get Ya, it's super thick and was produced by Randy Muller from Brass Construction, and mixed by Francois K. You kind of can't go wrong with a combo like that. Don't really know too much about the guy beyond what Allmusic tells me, apparently he became a born again Christian? That's pretty neat.
I have nothing more to say about this, except that on a completely unrelated note I saw James Murphy and Pat Mahoney from DFA shopping for records today. They were really dorky about it and it was actually kind of cute. Oh wait, I mean, eff those guys. JK the first sentence I wrote is actually how I feel about it. I'm trying to shed off the layers of knee-jerk hating that I learned via osmosis from all my years of toiling at the lab. So what if James Murphy was wearing a pair of the brightest neon orange high top sneakers I have literally ever seen in my life. I have some pretty absurd shirts in my closet.
WHEN YOU GONNA STOP DESTROYING AND START HELPING US BUILD
-paraphrasing diplo via a text he sent someone once, I think
So, positive vibrations. I'm trying to re-align my chi and make some deposits in the karma bank etc. Next record!
This is one of the epic-est disco instrumentals I've ever heard. Nevermind the fact that it's literally 10 and a half minutes long, it goes through all sorts of weird evolutions and change-ups but never really relents on the pounding (thatswhatshesaid). When I was in high school my only reference for songs that had a lot of parts in them was, sadly, Rage Against The Machine. This is because I didn't listen to jam bands, and Know Your Enemy had that intro and like several parts throughout the song, then at the end when you think it's over, BAM there's this whole other bonus section of yelling. So Megatrone Woman is Know Your Enemy.
RAFAEL CAMERON ~ BOOGIE'S GONNA GET YA (INSTRUMENTAL)
NATIVE LOVE ~ MEGATRONE WOMAN (INSTRUMENTAL)
I will start by saying that I don't really like Hipster Run Off for the same reason that I don't like Vice (yet I work in MTV). There is something really abhorrent/angry in the self-commenting meta-awareness that allows both to constantly have a get out of jail free card in the most exasperating way. You are never allowed to publicly disagree with them about anything because that's like trying to have a serious debate on youtube comment forums because hey, irony. Also, detachment and in conclusion they will always look better/be funnier than you, and in an internet argument,
being funnier > everything
That's why when I read a few Hipster Run Off screed/anti-screed/deconstruction of what a screed is anyway because hey man we're all just marketing demos, my initial gut reaction was "ugh x100." The really really hateful undercurrent was so totalizing and annihilating that I was getting a stomach-ache just looking at the parodying/but not really parodying design and layout. Neon layouts, ironic ads, 72 LOLs per inch. To be fair, the content is very Best Page In The Universey, but Maddox wins because A) he was around earlier (or maybe he wasn't. I'm just giving him props because I like him and don't like Hipster Run Off), and B) his design is shitty and just serves the content. What is Hipster Run Off like the Ramones or something I need to be hit with a fully conceptualized art assault here? Should my computer be spraying PBR and Sparks at me so that every one of my senses is pummelled?
In his much touted by everyone article Animal Collective Is A Band Created By/For/On The Internet, Mister Run Off pulls every trick out of the bag and unleashes an ironic (? maybe not! who can even tell because hey postmodernism) tirade replete with every picture with neon text/hilarious graph/meme/video at his disposal to attack? Praise? Something? Animal Collective. HiLOLious. Also, annoying and only kind of clever. Am I saying this because I'm a comic genius? Am I the Diceman over here? No, but then again I'm not a buzz-darling blog. So that's my excuse. Anyways I expect more from any blog that commands as much bandwidth as it does. Nobody's Facebooking links to the 21 Gun Salute (well maybe me sometimes) but the point is I'm not all up in everyone's face.
After Hipster Run Off took a well-orchestrated shit in the pool of the internet (and my mind), noted scribe Nick Sylvester fired back with an epic rebuttal that ostensibly discusses why the new Animal Collective album is good but ultimately why we listen to music at all, and whether or not anything we say about music is valid because we're all different, but more importantly it says hey Hipster Run Off guy, shut the fuck up.
Nick Sylvester response
These dudes are AMAZ0RS.
If you've never heard Modern Romance shame shame etc. They were one of those bands that basically did the same song over and over, but that one song was real good and so nobody really complained. Or at least no one complained until 1985 and then they abruptly broke up. They do this disco not disco, salsa-y trumpet-led dub dance music. Did I mention they're really good?
As usual, in answering my call to do everything in my power to bring you, the reader, only the most factual and properly-researched of information, I immediately googs'd "modern romance wiki" and am going to paraphrase whatever I could find there:
Formerly a punk band (which only bolsters my argument that all weird awesome bands from the 80s started out as weird art punks)
Totally threw in the towel after their cover of Baltimora's "Tarzan Boy" failed to shatter the minds of their audience (Baltimora would have to wait another 8 years before they could once again cheese off on that jam with gingivitis-fighting Listerine money)
Inspired this quote from
Jesus ChristMorrissey: "There are indeed worse groups than Modern Romance. But can anyone seriously think of one?"
One of the dudes went on to write "You Think You're A Man" for noted pre-op trannie horseless carriage Divine
Featured as the lead off song on that great great Rub N Tug/aNYthing mix that came out a few years ago
Modern Romance ~ Tear The Roof Off The Moose (Dub Discomix)
Modern Romance ~ Best Years Of Our Lives
1. Put your iPod or other music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the NEXT button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got this from.
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Kinks ~ Sunny Afternoon
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Siouxsie & The Banshees ~ Hong Kong Garden
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The Jam ~ Down In The Tube Station At Midnight
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Mobb Deep ~ Temperature's Rising
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Willie Nelson ~ The Red Headed Stranger
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Jarvis Cocker ~ Big Julie
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?
Eddie Kendricks ~ Girl You Need A Change Of Mind
WHAT IS 2+2?
Jerry Goldsmith ~ The Rec Room
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Konk ~ Elephant
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Genesis ~ Mama
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP??
Francis & The Lights ~ The Top
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE??
Morrissey ~ Last Of The Famous International Playboys
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Serge Gainsbourg ~ Valse De Melody
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Kanye West ~ Touch The Sky
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
KC Flightt & Mr V ~ Let's Get Jazzy 05
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Ice-T ~ M.V.P.s
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Donovan ~ Hurdy Gurdy Man
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Jeru Tha Damaja ~ Come Clean
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Hank Williams Sr. ~ Jambalaya (On The Bayou)
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Jona ~ Someone Put The Light On (Claude VonStroke Mix)
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Jay-Z ~ Ain't No Nigga
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
They Might Be Giants ~ Kiss Me Son Of God
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Whispers ~ The Beat Goes On
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Weezer ~ Jamie (Live Acoustic)
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Grandmaster Flash ~ Scorpio
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
R Kelly ~ Bump N Grind
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Jungle Wonz ~ Time Marches On
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
They Might Be Giants ~ We Want A Rock
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Sophie B Hawkins ~ Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover
*without a doubt my favorite is playing Mr V at my funeral
Today while taking the train home to see my family for dinner, I listened to like 10 Stuff You Should Know podcasts in a row. Helene told me about them and now I'm kind of hooked. The subject matter varies greatly, but what they actually cover is surprisingly more abstract than what you might think (especially if you only know about them thru the How Stuff Works show). Not so much "this is how erasers are made" or whatever, but more stuff like why people blush (possibly an evolutionary way to passive-aggressively convey to someone that you're embarrassed), why toothpaste make orange juice taste like shit (some kind of chemical reaction), and whether or not gum stays in your stomach for 7 years (it doesn't). Actually this'll give you a better idea of what kind of topics are discussed:
I was gonna put up a picture of Chuck & Josh, the 2 main guys who do the show, but I think I'd rather not know what they look like. I sort of know what they look like in my head, and if I were to find out what they actually looked like, my brain would be thrown off and I'd feel weird. It's the same thing as when I used to wake up to Brian Lehrer's show on NPR all the time and had a mental image of him as this Patton Oswalt looking guy, and it turns out he looks like this. I think that actually made me stop listening to his show to be perfectly honest.
Here's a good episode of Stuff You Should Know, it's about adrenaline Hulk power, or as Dr Venture calls it "retard strength." If you like it I recommend downloading the podcast, it's free and you can subscribe via iTunes.