BY ARCHIE BEVINS

SHOCK: The Public Abuse & Humiliation of Kelly Clarkson at the hands of Max Martin (noted producer).

Readers of this site will already be familiar with Max Martin [HYPER LINK TO 21 gun entry!!], noted Swede pop producer/songwriter/genius, responsible for billions of hits. The most important of these songs is SINCE U BEEN GONE, best modern American popular song since "Shall We Gather at The River," or at least "Buffalo Stance."

He wrote it, Kelly Clarkson sang the living fuck out of it [link amazing live MTV footage of her barefoot in the rain], and the rest is history.

BUT was it history or......HER-story? Eh? You see, on her follow-up album, Kelly decided that she was going to liberate HERself from the yoke of oppression that is/was that dastardly cabal of behind-the-scenes,male, string-pulling (and plucking, natch) songwriters. I.e. she was going to abandon the hit-makers and WRITE HER OWN SONGS.

So she did just that, releasing "MY DECEMBER" in 2007. How successful was that album? Well, lets just say that I just had to look up the title in order to write that sentence, i.e. no, it was not successful -- it was a roundly repudiated flop.

And so it was that she came to reunite with Max Martin, who wrote and produced her new single MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITH YOU. Which brings us to...

MAX MARTIN's REVENGE

Clearly, Max was LIVID that Clarkson had abandoned him. In his eyes, he had made her a star, whilst she had looked a gift horse in the mouth as it were. He was, we might guess, tempted to say "I told you so," and refuse to write her another hit. But he was not going to punish her that way. Revenge is - as the Jews say - a dish best served lukewarm and overpriced.

Thus and so he delivered the coldest revenge: He forced her - in front of millions, and in her own lovely singing voice - to state to the world that she was a fool ever to have doubted him, and that she is utterly worthless garbage if and when she is not being controlled by his capable hands.

The first part of the lyrics are written directly from Martin's perspective:
"Guess this means you're sorry/You're standing at my door/Guess this means you take back/All you said before...Said you'd never come back/But here you are again."

But in the second part, he writes her a script of what he wants her to say TO HIM. She reads it under duress, like when John McCain read an anti-American speech written for him by the VietCong who held a gun to his head:

"...I was stupid for telling you goodbye...Either way, I found out I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU."

See what I'm getting at here? The real song title is "I, Kelly Clarkson, suck at music without YOU, Max Martin, at the HELM," or "MY CAREER is virtually nonexistent or at least rife with shitty, non-hit songs, without MAX MARTIN as songwriter of the first 3 singles."

HISTORY vs. HERSTORY: Is Max Martin justified, or is this a dreadful affront to a sweet young Christian's dignity?

What are to make of all of this? On the one hand, credit where credit is due: Max Martin is clearly a genius, and non-Max Martin Kelly Clarkson songs are mostly bad.

HOWEVER, Mr. Martin shouldn't get too big for his britches, and young (actually not so much anymore) Kelly deserves credit. Did you know that "SINCE U BEEN GONE" was originally written for PINK i.e. ugly ugly female impersonator who cannot sing and has no charisma? Without Kelly's impressive American Idol range and sweet lil face, nobody would ever have known or liked that song!! Also, "Because of You" from BREAKAWAY, which she wrote, is really not that bad.

Plus, Max Martin has written tons of shitty songs for tons of other shitty pop artists that never made a dent (i.e. loads of Britney songs that I've never even heard of).

So they've both got a point, which Martin himself all but admits: "I know that I've got issues/But you're pretty messed up too."

IN CONCLUSION: Martin's not totally off-base, but he was still way too harsh and sadistic on this one. ALSO, the new song is no "SINCE U BEEN GONE" by any stretch -- it sounds like a bad knock-off of that classic, and its actually kind of bad. So fuck you, Max Martin. How dare you?!?!?!

THE END


My Life Would Suck Without You lyrics
Guess this means you're sorry
You're standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
All you said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you'd never come back
But here you are agaiin
'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin' to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you

'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Being with you
Is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn't miss you
But I can’t let you go
Oh yeah

'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

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