More embarrassing nonsense from my record shelves, unearthed and shitted upon for your amusement:

SANTANA FT ROB THOMAS SMOOTH 12

YES! Finally we get down to the realness. Why in God's name do I have this record? Good thing it's BPM'd too, wouldn't want people to be thrown when I mix into this from New Radicals!

THE SIMPSONS SING THE BLUES LP

All I remember about this record is that Jazzy Jeff produced it, and that aside from the groundbreaking singles Deep Deep Trouble and Do The Bartman, there was a great LP cut Look At All Those Idiots by Mr Burns which is actually pretty funny.

STEVE PERRY OH SHERRIE 12
Greatest song ever. Someone please make a reggaeton remix of this. Thank you Vig Bar for teaching me how to play seriously corny white music for seriously corny white people. There was a few months where I was constantly trying to one-up myself -- like you can only play Journey and Neil Diamond and Dexy's Midnight Runners so many times before you start taking it further. This song, along with Hold The Line, Glory of Love, and Hold On were just a few examples of the depths to which I sank during this period.

STING RUSSIANS 12

This song is the most overblown, melodramatic, heavy-handed literal nonsense I have ever heard. Also, I am obsessed with it in the same way that I am with Tom Gottlieb and Jim Warren. Take everything bad about Sting (of which there is much), and magnify it through a douching glass with none of the things that made the Police great, then pour that viscous liquid into a vinyl plant and press this record. Let's just take a moment to watch the video before we continue shall we? Christ, the video looks like it was directed by a 2nd year film student.

To wit!

*Taken in context, this song was one of the main singles from Sting's first solo album Dream of the Blue Turtles. Have you heard this album? It is terrible. Imagine Sting free to embrace all his free jazz masturbatory impulses without Stewart Copeland being like "that's actually an awful idea." Moon Over Bourbon Street should give you a pretty good idea of the shitteousness of the overall project. Come on Sting, we all know House of the Rising Sun is the only song that can ever be written about New Orleans.

*Even the OPENING is annoying! Tick tock tick tock. Jesus Sting it's called chilling out and not smashing me over the head. Is Bob Ezrin sitting next to you in the booth being all "MORE SOUND EFFECTS! THIS IS A MOOOVIE!"

*The endless mournful dirge of the instrumental sounds like Russian circus music. I'm half-expecting a bear balancing on a unicycle to come out juggling a star, sickle and hammer to emerge.

*Sting's impassioned plea for reason in the face of the Cold War comes off extremely proselytizing and irritating, to say nothing of how dated it makes the song. Hey Sting! The Earnest-Off is over there, next to Bono and Eddie Vedder!

*This song also cannot be sung in karaoke, btw. It's way too hard and nobody has a fun time.