"I have not blogged in a minute."
-Me, if I want Nathan to make fun of me

Hi lovers,

I've decided to switch up my blog a bit. When I originally started, I wanted to focus exclusively on music, which is basically what this blog was about since its inception. However, I realized that

A) I don't listen to music anymore because



and B) I've realized that, because of A), I have many other things I want to complain about. And what is a blog if not about complaining!

So with this expansion hopefully blogging will re-commence soon, with new and exciting terrible things to commiserate over.

peace love empathy,
Kurt Cobain's suicide letter

Just read a neat article on the death of Virgin in the Times here.

This is a GAME CHANGER people. You can now download YouTube videos. Without the YT logo in the corner. There are a couple options, like idesktop.tv, and someone told me there's also a firefox plugin, BUT the one I now use regularly is keepvid.com

It operates off a very simple "cut and paste the url into this field and press Make Magic happen" principle, and there's no telling how long this will last for, but as of now I recommend downloading any video you've ever favorited.

Bonus info via onluker.com:

If you’re posting/linking direct to a YouTube URL, add &fmt=18 to the end of the URL and it’ll play in the HQ version .

To embed a High Quality Youtube video, you need to add the following code onto the end of both URLs in the embed code:
&ap=%2526fmt%3D18

OMG x700

#10 MSTRKRFT ~ Easy Love
Mmmm I never fully really liked MSTRKRFT. Maybe it's the ridiculous name but they always struck me as Daft Punk lite, like they listened to a bunch of synthy dance electro, drew up some bullet points about what they should cover, and recorded an album. Their Wolfmother remix is really good, but something about their whole deal smacks of bush league. Even this sexy video of some chicks getting yogurt splooged on their mouths is kind of lacking that extra sexy oomph. Still, chicks getting yogurt splooged on their mouths!

#9 The Roots ~ Birthday Girl
OK I'm calling bullshit on Sasha Grey right now. The Girlfriend Experience? SRSLY? Listen Sasha Grey, I love bone-thin short sassy cock guzzling chicks as much as the next giant-glasses wearing Asian guy, but let's call a spade a spade. Enough with this whole "my favorite nihilist philosophers are blah blah blah and I'm such a liberated/empowered etc because I actively chose to get into this industry." Guess what, when you're choking on 7 dongs you're not exactly taking feminism into the 21st sextury. Also she's ultra shitty in porn! She's always peering out from behind those glazed dead eyes and her retarded too-much-heroin monotone. Plus her entire career is a case of shittiness begetting shittiness. Really, AV Club? Are you seriously indulging this idiot with your interview? Let's just take an abridged look at their cunnilingus interview shall we?

bright, self-possessed... post-feminist warrior... determined to break taboos and explore the extremes of her sexuality... performance artist... carved out her own niche... fearlessness and vigor... savvy self-promotion... refined taste[!!!] in film, music, and literature... modeled... Richard Kern anti-fashion Vice layout...

Christ. I love you AV Club, but STFU. Sasha Grey is about as self-possessed as a shit-filled sock. The "Richard Kern anti-fashion Vice layout" is literally her sitting around with a vagina purse in front of her vagina. Take that, fashion! Um but anyways this video for the Roots is her simulating blowjays so it goes on the list.

#8 Britney Spears ~ Slave 4 U
Britney Spears dancing around. She's also sweaty and gets rubbed on by a bunch of gay dudes. She sort of never got better than this. The beginning of Womanizer(?) where she's naked in a sauna for like 15 seconds comes close but that whole video should have just been her doing that, and they should have cut around her no-no areas. Instead it devolves into God knows what.

#7 Make The Girl Dance ~ Baby Baby Baby
I just found out about this video over the weekend. It's a prime example of the #1 rule of horny-building: put naked chicks anywhere, doing literally anything. Bonus points if they're French and are strutting down the streets of Paris, all too cool to acknowledge their swinging boobs. Also doing everything in 1 take is always the mark of a professional.


#6 Benny Benassi ~ Satisfaction
Chicks simulating doing it under the pretext of doing something else also = good. See also Eric Prydz Call On Me. What doesn't really work is when you throw away the pretext and have chicks basically just doing it but you can't really show the it because it's not porn. Sure the Alibi & Rockefeller video has hot chicks etc but if you're gonna make art porn get in line behind Andrew Blake and make incomprehensible nonsense.


#5 Chris Isaak ~ Wicked Game
I never saw this growing up, but literally every list on the internet that features sexy music videos always has this at #1 so I figured I'd put it up. Helena Christensen has nice boobs etc but this video is a bit too Obsession by Calvin Klein for me.

#4 Alex Gaudino ~ Destination Calabria
Another corny modern house anthem with an awesome video. File with Alex Gaudino Watch Out.

#3 Endeverafter ~ Baby Baby Baby
These guys look like idiots, and Zubes also reported that when she hung out with them they basically were like "yo we're DTF which means down to fuuuuck, brown girl," but this video is basically what Girls Girls Girls would have looked like if the Crue were around now. Plus this is the uncensored version!


#2 This.

#1 Simian Mobile Disco ~ Hustler
The UK version of this video was total literal bonertown when I saw it. Get a bunch of hipster chicks together in a room and make them play molesting telephone. This is so no duh that I shouldn't even write anything else about it.

This memorial day I went to Lloyd & Mustache James' BBQ at their place on Adelphi St in Brooklyn. There was, to quote myself from 8 years ago, "good vibes, good tunes, good times, bro! You should come through FOR SURE!" Stache had like 10 crates of disco behind the turntables, and the whole thing was routed through an old boombox that, in the last 45 minutes, Sterryo had the inspired idea to throw a cassette in to record the set.

Here's Stache's take:



Lots of chunky disco and horns! That's me at 16:10 playing Junior and Claudja Barry.

Memorial Day!

A few months ago Sumer posted the music video for "Don't Trust Me" by 3OH!3 on this prestigious blog. She did this, I assume, for several reasons:

1. While she is a very intelligent and self-aware young woman, Sumer is still literally only 24, which allows her to make the occasional egregious error.

2. At the time, she had just finished touring with Scary Kids Scaring Kids (no comment on this gaggle of yabbos necessary), and I stated that they were the worst. Sumer disagreed. She maintained that 3OH!3 is the worst band of all time. Then, after hearing/seeing 3OH!3 she promptly (semi-genuinely because she actually likes them a little) changed her mind and half-heartedly embraced them.

3. She did this simply to annoy me because she knows I think all music created for tweeny bopper girls by birds-nest-hair-having, fresh-faced scumbag pedophile toothless troglodytes is bad.

In fact, to this day I remain unmoved in my opinion that 3OH!3 is FIBI (for idiots by idiots). In the holy trinity of these irrefutable clods it goes:

3OH!3 (worst)
SKSK (worster)
brokeNCYDE (worstest)

The main thrust of Sumer's argument as to why 3OH!3 merited further investigation (which was the same reason I dismissed them) was due to the now iconic bridge in "Don't Trust Me," wherein these yammering clowndongs repeat the following ad nauseum:

Shush girl, shut your lips
Do the Helen Keller
And talk with your hips

The only natural response to hearing this, if you are a halfway intelligent person, is of course to scream NO! RACHEL! SHUT UP! at the top of your lungs and then vomit all over yourself. Now whether or not you are 3OH!3 or 3NO!3, I think we can all agree that The 21 Gun Salute (capitalized for effect) is no home for their unique brand of terrible awfulness. However, the vote of the common man cannot be ignored! For you see, dear valued reader, from the inauspicious beginnings of Sumer's semi-ironic original post, there rose a maelstrom... building from mild lapping waves to unignorable screeching tempest, and it said one thing:

WE, THE NETIZENS OF THE WORLD, DEMAND FROM YOU, THE INTERNET, UNCEASING COVERAGE OF 3OH!3

I know this for a fact, because when I checked the traffic for my site, at first there were a few referrers from the yahoo search "helen keller talk with your hips lyrics," which I thought I would address and dispatch with ease and never discuss again. Unfortunately, due to the cruel architecture of the internet/Google Analytics, I realized with growing horror that by addressing/dispatching 3OH!3, I was actually going to DOUBLE or TRIPLE the number of Twilight obsessed 17 year olds that would find my site.

As of yesterday, this is what the traffic breakdown was of The 21 Gun Salute. I have highlighted the number of people who get here by (for some reason predominantly) yahoo-ing "helen keller hips I am literally a child and candy is sweet."



So in response to this overwhelming demand, I have decided to give you people what you want. The 21 Gun Salute will now, apparently, play host to 3OH!3 and be the one stop destination for all your 3OH!3 needs.

But before I deliver unto you the sweet, sweet 3OH!3 flavored gold, please heed these words, 18 year old: 3OH!3 is an objectively terrible band. While I say this because I'm old, please note that my oldness does not detract from their terribleness. And if you take one thing away from your (on average) 95 seconds on this site, know that at one point you will go to college, that you will listen to different, older, better music (unless you go to a state school with 70,000+ people, in which case 3OH!3 is pretty much it), and you will objectively realize that 3OH!3, the music of your youth, is terrible, but you will be powerless to hate it, because it will be the music of your youth and nostalgia forgives all. You will become me, in other words, because let's face it Nirvana is a terrible band.

HERE MY TROUBLES BEGAN! BEGINS COMPREHENSIVE 3OH!3 COVERAGE!

Don't Trust Me lyrics

Black dress with the tights underneath
I've got the breath of the last cigarette on my teeth
And shes an actress(actress)but she ain't got no need
Shes got money from her parents in a trust fund back east

Tongues always pressed to your cheeks, while my tongue
is on the inside of some other girl's teeth
And tell your boyfriend
If he says hes got beef that I'm a vegetarian
And I ain't fucking scared of him

[x2]
She wants to touch me, wahoo
She wants to love me, wahoo
She'll never leave me, wahoo wahoo hoo hoo
Don't trust a ho
Never trust a ho
Won't trust a ho
Cuz a ho won't trust me

X's on the back on your hand
Wash them in the bathroom to drink like the bands
And the set list(set list)
You stole off the stage
Has red and purple lipstick all over the page

Bruises cover your arms shaking in the
Fingers with the bottle in your palm
And the best is(best is)
No one knows who you are
Just another girl, alone at the bar

[x2]
She wants to touch me, wahoo
She wants to love me, wahoo
She'll never leave me, wahoo wahoo hoo hoo
Don't trust a ho
Never trust a ho
Won't trust a ho
Cuz a ho won't trust me

Shush girl, shut your lips
Do the helen keller
And talk with your hips

[x2]
I said shush girl, shut your lips
Do the helen keller
And talk with your hips

[x2]
She wants to touch me, woo hoo
She wants to love me, woo hoo
She'll never leave me, woo hoo woo hoo hoo
Don't trust a ho
Never trust a ho
Won't trust a ho, that won't trust me

Did you know, 18 year old?

*that you can follow them! (here's 2 hints it's fake: 1 it has nowhere near enough spelling errors, and 2 if it were really them it would be updated via their iPhone or Blackberry)

*that literally thousands of you can like the bit.lys that their marketing interns put up?

*that 3OH!3, after smoking 5 blunts each, will wish you and yours a happy non-denominational holiday and new year's (because you know, obviously they can't say "christmas" or "hannukah" in their YT video that 23,000 people will watch because that would be religiously myopic you guys, but they definitely can and should say "never trust a ho" literally 18 times in their song that has sold over 1.5 million copies)?

*that 3OH!3 is one of the top 100 songs in the iTunes store?

*that the song was only released in the UK this month? (whatever that means)

*that there are LITERALLY SO MANY covers of "Don't Trust Me" on YT? AND HERE'S THE THING I don't hate the fans for this. I do not. It's actually the opposite of my thing with Girltalk. Re: Girltalk, I do not hate Girltalk himself, I hate the plebian masses that splay themselves prostrate to his throne. With 3OH!3 it's the opposite. I don't hate the kids who like them, but I hate the members of 3OH!3 so very, very much. Eat shit and die, Sean Matthew Foreman and Nathaniel Warren Seth Motte (actual literal names)!

This is because, with Girltalk, the people I know who like him should be able at this point to make up their own, grown up minds about things like this, and of course we should all agree that Girltalk is terrible.

With 3OH!3 the target audience is comprised of 17 year olds who still wear braces and are really awkward like all kids are. I mean, it would be really really easy to make fun of these heart-on-their-sleeves wearing kids:


AND YET I AM NOT! I am, unlike the Geto Boys, a motherfucking gentleman. 3OH!3 fans, I recognize that my job is to provide you a service, like finding you the rare myspace only alternate video of "Don't Trust Me".

And that one's FREE, little 18 year old! Come back next time and you'll get to download some disco records that you don't give a shit about!

NEXT: the first-person oral history of brokeNCYDE, revealed 140 characters at a time, usually via RTs.

BY ARCHIE BEVINS

SHOCK: The Public Abuse & Humiliation of Kelly Clarkson at the hands of Max Martin (noted producer).

Readers of this site will already be familiar with Max Martin [HYPER LINK TO 21 gun entry!!], noted Swede pop producer/songwriter/genius, responsible for billions of hits. The most important of these songs is SINCE U BEEN GONE, best modern American popular song since "Shall We Gather at The River," or at least "Buffalo Stance."

He wrote it, Kelly Clarkson sang the living fuck out of it [link amazing live MTV footage of her barefoot in the rain], and the rest is history.

BUT was it history or......HER-story? Eh? You see, on her follow-up album, Kelly decided that she was going to liberate HERself from the yoke of oppression that is/was that dastardly cabal of behind-the-scenes,male, string-pulling (and plucking, natch) songwriters. I.e. she was going to abandon the hit-makers and WRITE HER OWN SONGS.

So she did just that, releasing "MY DECEMBER" in 2007. How successful was that album? Well, lets just say that I just had to look up the title in order to write that sentence, i.e. no, it was not successful -- it was a roundly repudiated flop.

And so it was that she came to reunite with Max Martin, who wrote and produced her new single MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITH YOU. Which brings us to...

MAX MARTIN's REVENGE

Clearly, Max was LIVID that Clarkson had abandoned him. In his eyes, he had made her a star, whilst she had looked a gift horse in the mouth as it were. He was, we might guess, tempted to say "I told you so," and refuse to write her another hit. But he was not going to punish her that way. Revenge is - as the Jews say - a dish best served lukewarm and overpriced.

Thus and so he delivered the coldest revenge: He forced her - in front of millions, and in her own lovely singing voice - to state to the world that she was a fool ever to have doubted him, and that she is utterly worthless garbage if and when she is not being controlled by his capable hands.

The first part of the lyrics are written directly from Martin's perspective:
"Guess this means you're sorry/You're standing at my door/Guess this means you take back/All you said before...Said you'd never come back/But here you are again."

But in the second part, he writes her a script of what he wants her to say TO HIM. She reads it under duress, like when John McCain read an anti-American speech written for him by the VietCong who held a gun to his head:

"...I was stupid for telling you goodbye...Either way, I found out I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU."

See what I'm getting at here? The real song title is "I, Kelly Clarkson, suck at music without YOU, Max Martin, at the HELM," or "MY CAREER is virtually nonexistent or at least rife with shitty, non-hit songs, without MAX MARTIN as songwriter of the first 3 singles."

HISTORY vs. HERSTORY: Is Max Martin justified, or is this a dreadful affront to a sweet young Christian's dignity?

What are to make of all of this? On the one hand, credit where credit is due: Max Martin is clearly a genius, and non-Max Martin Kelly Clarkson songs are mostly bad.

HOWEVER, Mr. Martin shouldn't get too big for his britches, and young (actually not so much anymore) Kelly deserves credit. Did you know that "SINCE U BEEN GONE" was originally written for PINK i.e. ugly ugly female impersonator who cannot sing and has no charisma? Without Kelly's impressive American Idol range and sweet lil face, nobody would ever have known or liked that song!! Also, "Because of You" from BREAKAWAY, which she wrote, is really not that bad.

Plus, Max Martin has written tons of shitty songs for tons of other shitty pop artists that never made a dent (i.e. loads of Britney songs that I've never even heard of).

So they've both got a point, which Martin himself all but admits: "I know that I've got issues/But you're pretty messed up too."

IN CONCLUSION: Martin's not totally off-base, but he was still way too harsh and sadistic on this one. ALSO, the new song is no "SINCE U BEEN GONE" by any stretch -- it sounds like a bad knock-off of that classic, and its actually kind of bad. So fuck you, Max Martin. How dare you?!?!?!

THE END


My Life Would Suck Without You lyrics
Guess this means you're sorry
You're standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
All you said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you'd never come back
But here you are agaiin
'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin' to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you

'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Being with you
Is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn't miss you
But I can’t let you go
Oh yeah

'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

I started half-reading Fear Of Music by Garry Mulholland as bedtime literature recently. It's pretty well-written, plus he's black and british so that's 2 merit badges already. I mean, he's basically Eddy Grant! This book is a follow-up to another book he wrote called This Is Uncool, which was a catalog of his all-time 500 singles since punk and disco. Actually, Uncool is really good. Especially at the time of me reading it I was really interested in stuff he was covering and it was basically how I found out about the Undertones, Josef K etc. Also he's an entertaining writer and genuinely loves all this great new wave shit so it's always great to read someone else write on and on about 15 different Smiths singles.

Anyways Fear Of Music covers Mulholland's 250+ favorite full length LPs since punk and disco, and while I'm skipping the sections about why the first Au Pairs album is great (not interested, ladies!), I am finding out stuff like how Sound Affects is supposed to be the best Jam album, and that the reissued version of Singles Going Steady has 4 tracks not on the original pressing. Also I'm finding out that Chic produced the Diana Ross debut LP and she was so pissed about being mixed low (she likened it to singing backup to the production on her own album) that she demanded a remixing of the whole thing and Chic was all "fine take our names off the credits then." I guess this is pretty common folklore among the disco heads but it's news to me. Also whatever, I'm Chinese and didn't grow up with that album, and I figured "Upside Down" and "I'm Coming Out" are all I really need to know from it.

So I was looking online for the Diana LP and came across this great article on Popdose which breaks down all the ways in which Diana Ross is a heartless shrew by Matthew Bolin. I don't know who this writer is, but (gay voice) you simply MUST read his other blogs!!!

Here's a dude who reviews Don Henley, Todd Rundgren, and Danzig albums, and also does a feature called All Wham! All Weekend. DUDE STOP TWISTING MY ARM WE CAN BE BEST FRIENDS

"When Good Albums Happen To Bad People: Diana Ross" by my BFF Matthew Bolin

Oh yeah, this led me to Googs'ing the deluxe version of the Diana LP, and I found out this reissue from 2003 has the original Chic unreleased mix of the whole album! You can get it here via D-Trax.

So after a suitably cheeseburger-fueled Memorial Day weekend I have finally gotten back around to burning some records. I totally got a new appreciation for cheesey italo jams and freestyle, after playing some records at Lloyd's BBQ with Duane, Stache, Sterryo, Rok, Porkchop etc. Stache if you're reading this I WANT that sandwich song.

JAMZ!

Pretenders ~ Kid (Extended Remix)
Chryssie Hynde still wins at the foxy, junkie-loving, once-bitten twice-shy MILF-faced haggard chick with the best 80s voice there is. I never knew there was a 12 for this but apparently that's why Chad Kroeger Jesus invented vinyl.

Doves ~ Kingdom Of Rust (Still Going RMX)
I've literally never had any desire to listen to the Doves before this but this Still Going remix is super moody and extends the bassline (presumably?). It's more on the atmospheric side. Plus I don't know if any of you guys have heard the Rub N Tug mix of Coldplay (???) but it's REALLY GOOD.

Milke ~ Love Get Out Of My Way (Daniel Wang Dub)
If you read Daniel Wang's bio on Ghostly it basically says he's living the fabulous life in Germany, dancing til God knows what o'clock, doof doof doofing his life away with a bunch of leather laced Germanic statues of men. This is all well and good, after all the dude gave us Like Some Dream I Can't Stop Dreaming, but come on, get some more music out there! MAKE IT HAPPEN MY AZN BROTHA anyways here's a dub he did of some who knows band/artist's who knows song.

"Me likey." -noted idiot hip-hop artiste/auteur Kanye West

because this is what happens when you used to call it:



...and this is what happens now: